Caring for ourselves feels very egotistical at times. I don’t mean selfish—because obviously self-care is selfish (in a good way)! Rather that our ego, the great storyteller of the mind, sticks its nose into every self-care and wellness endeavor. As much as that may seem like a good thing (we’re talking about caring for ourselves, right?!), the ego has a different agenda in mind than our well-being: its goal is to provide guilt, shame, and anxiety.
With the ego at play, our self-care game will never bring us wellness. Or relative comfort, for that matter. It’s just impossible.
This past weekend, I came face to face with my ego. Sitting in a crowded room with strangers, acquaintances, and familiar faces of those I rarely interact with, my ego was having a field day. Every laugh, turned eye, or abrupt topic change was a new burst of rabid insecurities my ego nurtured and distorted into shame-inducing narratives. I called myself a writer, what a hack. I laughed—now they saw how gross my teeth are. Oh, that comment was dumb, now they know I’m an idiot. On and on, a new self-judgment every moment pelting me like spitballs from the class bully.
Ego does this all the time. When we’re in our normal routines, we can get desensitized to hearing the same things over and over again. The judgements on repeat, numbing ourselves into complacent neglect. Being outside those routines and surrounded by a multitude of different people, however, adds a whole new level to the ego’s offenses.
Let’s be fair—these stories do have a purpose. When we feel like someone has judged us as too fat, too lazy, too angry, it adds an external motivator to work on certain aspects of ourselves. The trouble happens when we have waaay too many of them pulling us in different directions all the time.
An hour in, I shrunk inside myself hoping for time to magically fast forward to the next scene. Then my ego brought up deep, painful insecurities into the fray. It began comparing me to someone else that threatened my closest relationships like a heat-seeking missile: She is better than me, a better match than I could ever be. Everything I’ve done so selfishly out of “love” just kept people I cared about from being happy together, obviously.
Woah. Wait, hold up. Be kind, rewind…
Let’s Talk About Ego’s Stories
The ego tells all kinds of stories. Some are prideful or confident, others insecure or jealous. As our internal story-teller, the ego is always at work trying to piece together the narratives from one moment to the next.
At that point, I had about twenty different stories floating through my mind and bringing me down. This person thought I was a fraud, that one judged my lifestyle, another was simply tired of putting up with me. All of them bore down on me like swooping crows, pecking at my dignity and identity. Choking back tears and shoving aside anxious breakdowns left and right had reduced my mental stamina to nearly nothing.
One story I could rely on was that of my loving family at home waiting for me; I could endure anything knowing they would be with me when this event was over.
Not all stories are the same—‘my family missed me’ is different from ‘strangers judge this thing.’ But they ARE stories. I can’t hop inside anyone’s mind to prove without a doubt that any of them are true or false. Both of them motivate me to be a better version of myself (albeit in very different ways). One story helps build me up; the other tears me down. While they both are helpful in moderation, too much on either side causes trouble: big head or small presence.
Historically, my ego has found a wealth of stories that tear me down. Swallowed in shame, squeezed into the smallest space my identity could psychologically fit, my ego crafted a story that threatened to take away the people I cared about most. In that moment, “I” ceased to exist, and my ego folded in on itself. Without my family at home to anchor me, I was lost floating in the nothingness of space all alone.
My mind broke. Silence. I looked at the people around me, and a singular question boomed in my head:
Is anyone here even thinking about me right now?
“Nobody here is thinking about me—not in a good or a bad way.”
Since that moment, a lot of things seemed to shift in my perception. A light shone upon the dark, fearful areas of my mind to reveal cobwebs and rust where monsters were supposed to be. Huh. All that worry over nothing…
How Ego Damages Our Wellness
A good friend of mine sent me a link through our self-care channel on Discord around the time I got back:
‘We’re sedating women with self-care’: how we became obsessed with wellness
The article talked about how the wellness industry taunts us—women especially—with the idea that we can fix everything and restore ourselves to our greatest glory. Illnesses, disease, age are all “within our control” as long as we do this proprietary technique or take that supplement only they provide. The 4 trillion dollar industry has us all running around in yoga pants drinking powdered green shakes hoping that we’ll stay as energetic and sexy as we were in our 20’s.
There’s an answer for everything in the wellness industry. You want it? They can tell you how to get it. If it doesn’t work for you, you’re the problem—because there’s a ton of testimonials claiming it worked for them, after all. Never-you-mind that science proves it’s not even possible; if you can imagine it, you can will it to be with enough desire and a credit card number.
Don’t get me wrong, self-care is important and many of these techniques have a huge impact on our health and wellness. But the article makes a fair point: a lot of it is nonsense at best, and often causes more harm than good.
And at the center of our vulnerability to these predatory tactics sits their greatest ally, our ego, to shower us with stories of insecurity and scare us straight into their landing pages.
Something’s gotta give. I want to find peace, don’t you?
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