Old Position, New Beginning - Lessons from surviving 15 months of being Unemployed
Life redefined
My last paycheck came in December 2022. I hoped it would be my last job as an IATSE Assistant Production Coordinator, but I had no idea it would be my last job for over a year.
When that job ended, the hopes for my future could not have been higher because I was finally escaping to fulfill my holy destiny of becoming a Writer/Director, making my debut feature film that I spent over a decade developing.
Most of you know how that turned out, but for those new to this publication, it ended 2 weeks before filming was to begin in May. I will not speak of the details but it left me a shell of myself.
I needed a job badly after that…and then the strikes happened and there were no jobs to be found. I’m still shocked how most people don’t realize that when there’s no writers or actors it means that there’s no jobs for crew.
Since May of last year, I’ve tried and am still trying my hand at copywriting to get into the advertising world which itself is going through immense changes and a terrible job market even for those established.
I spent over 6 months building my website, writing this blog as writing samples, in addition to applying to over 1,000 jobs on Linkedin. I talked to many creatives, HR people, head hunters, etc with no luck in getting hired.
The best chance I had came from a referral from a friend for an Independent company I really liked and was a perfect fit for. My initial meeting was rescheduled nearly 10 times, but then we spoke and it went great.
After another 4 rounds of rescheduling we had another great conversation and I was told they wanted me on their team but were trying to figure out what their staffing would be like in the new year. I was cautiously optimistic even though I was told they wanted me, which meant a lot at the time…
Two months after the holidays I finally heard that they didn’t have an opening at my position, but they wanted me to talk to their production department. It would still be a creative role but combine some of my old skills. A foot in the door.
That meeting was rescheduled 7 or 8 times, I lost count. I was supposed to speak to head of production, but was then passed off to their #2. When we spoke, nobody had shared along my information or background so it was like starting from scratch after being told they wanted me on board.
That conversation went well but no job, opportunity, just a maybe freelance role down the role if they like my portfolio…I’m not holding my breath anymore, but will keep the door open.
On and off, my only source of income was driving Lyft, which was more costly than what it earned, and collecting unemployment as I tried to keep my savings from hemorrhaging too quickly. Luckily, it’s been a slow death.
You know how you can know that something is intellectually not true, but emotion overrides intellect when we are at our weakest? The correct answer of what this all really meant wasn’t in my DNA for an extremely long time.
The feeling in my DNA was that life or God or some great algorithm in the sky or whatever power beyond my comprehension was punishing me. My crime? For having the arrogance and audacity to believe I could rise above my station as just a production hand?
I don’t know what my crime is, perhaps I’m not as good as I think I am, that I’m missing something which every artist’s great fear, right? I don’t believe that but not being wanted cuts deep. It’s demoralizing, degrading, and deathly to my id.
At least, that’s what it did feel like, but a greater truth has been unearthed as I peak out from the bleak mid-winter and voluntarily set a flame to my former self. I am a different man now, stronger but scared.
DAYENU
I went through a short but impactful religious resurgence after my movie turned to ash. Every morning I would read psalms of my Talmud until I had read it thrice over, even memorizing some specific passages.
You know, it was the usual hitting rock bottom and turning to a higher power thing. This lasted until late October when you know, things that happened made me question religious institutions again but some stuff stuck.
Annnnnnny who, I came across the term Dayenu, which I only knew of as the fun song from Passover, but Dayenu translates to, “it would have been enough.” The meaning of which never hit home until recently.
When I look back at these past 15 months, what has become clear is that perhaps this awfulness, this emotional soul crushing crucible, has finally changed my DNA in to becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be,
Losing how you define yourself for yourself is freeing to becoming who you truly are once the catalyst for adaptation takes root and habits form.
I’ve learned to not bite off more than I can chew and that certain conditions must be met before I will agree to move forward. I’ve found my non-negotiable’s.
I’ve found gratitude for where I am, for what I have, and for who I share it with. Honestly, I’m in a much better state than most of my friends because of the things I thought were detriments before. Most of all I’m grateful that I was able to spend so much time with my toddler son.
When I was younger, I used to pray to god that I wanted to become a director and get married and have a family by the time I was 30, but if I have to choose only one, I would choose family because it’s more important.
This year tested whether or not I meant that prayer. Now, as I go back to work an an Assistant Production Coordinator all I can think is one thing…
If I never become the professional artist I want to be, but it’s enough to support my family and live a happy life, a part of me would be sad, but Dayenu, it would have been enough.
Best of luck Adam! Wishing you all the best.
Wishing you luck and happiness!