Women’s History Month: Permission Slip No. 4
Permission to make mistakes and fail without self-flagellation.
If this is your first time here, I recommend reading the first, second, and third permission slips.
For this last and final permission slip (for now), I want to share something that is very, very hard for me. I permit us to do things half-heartedly, make mistakes, and fail disastrously. I KNOW. I just took a deep breath myself. That’s what thinking about “not giving everything my 100%, being wrong, or the thought of failing at something” does to me - oh, and I have failed plenty.
Many of us grew up feeling the pressure to be absolutely impeccable at everything we do - 100% or bust. We took that energy to work. After all, we are representing women as a whole. Take a pause there. Think about what it means to walk around with that kind of pressure - the burden of representing as much as 50% of the humans inhabiting this giant planet. IT IS RIDICULOUS! We would never expect a loved one to think like that; we permit them to stumble along their way - to make mistakes, learn from them, fail, and return to try again. YET, that permission is not extended to us.
I permit us to do things half-heartedly, make mistakes, and fail disastrously.
Years ago, I worked for a leader that kept “forgetting” to invite me to his offsites with his team leads even though I was the lead for one of these teams. And I was the only technical lead to identify as a woman. The first time it happened, I had a candid conversation with him, sharing how it made me feel. To his credit, he thanked me for bringing it to his attention. He was glad to have me on his team. That response felt encouraging; I had advocated for myself and was going to help this leader improve. I felt like I was part of helping him create a hospitable environment across his organization for marginalized folks (even though I am hardly a marginalized identity in software engineering). BUT THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN. AND AGAIN! I was disheartened, to say the least. We had talked about it, and he had promised to do better. Months into this “drama”, I got an opportunity to move to a different team, and I felt conflicted. I had gained this leader’s confidence. I could help the culture across his organization if I kept going. This meant delivering the projects for him (even the ones that were specifically assigned to me with the idea that the project was going to fail - not under my watch, sir!) and advocating for myself as well as other women across the organization.
I shared my dilemma with another badass woman higher up in the organization - someone I looked up to. I shared that despite the other opportunity, I feel the need to stick around since I have to advocate for women in his organization. She was quick to shut it down. In her words, she said, “you coming through the company doors every morning is a step towards advocating for women in tech.” Phew. She gave me permission to make a decision that was ultimately good for my mental health and career. I jumped ship real quick and joined the other team where I didn’t have to ask to be included in leads offsite. People valued my opinion, for the most part. (We are talking about the tech industry, after all.)
I permit you/us to learn new things without the pressure to excel.
With that in mind, I permit you/us to learn new things without the pressure to excel. Remember when I tried pottery for the first time and sucked at it? Yeah, it doesn’t feel good, but it is okay. It does not define me. I permit you to make mistakes and not feel like it represents you or women at large. You are human, after all. You are allowed to not be perfect all the time or even ever. Perfect is a heavy word, and I wish we could completely erase it from our vernacular.
Laurie thinks, “I am a baby again” when she learns a new skill. A BABY!!
I had the opportunity to watch Laurie Hernandez speak at a Women’s History Month event recently. You can read all about her on the internet - I won’t go into it, but damn! It was inspiring as hell. The young gymnast/actor/author has been able to excel at almost everything she has touched, yet she doesn’t expect that to be the norm. She is only 22, and yet the expectation from people around her is that she needs to be ridiculously successful. Yikes! Yet, Laurie thinks, “I am a baby again” when she learns a new skill. A BABY!! That is what I will think about the next time my brain starts asking why this blog does not have thousands of subscribers already? Or why can’t I just be brilliant at pottery? Brain, I am a baby again! Leave me alone.
Men fail all the time. Damn, they have crashed banks and entire economies before, and they are at it again. You and I know this won’t be the last time. Now, I am not saying you go full Elizabeth Holmes as you channel your inner white man - do not hurt people as you fail miserably. I hope your moral compass is not that flawed, but you get the idea. Don’t let the fear of failure stop you from living your life.
Show yourself that same kindness and compassion.
You can make mistakes and learn from them; they don’t have to define you. I think we have all heard this advice before, but it bears repeating, at least for me. Imagine the advice you would give a friend when they come to you agonizing over that same mistake. Show yourself that same kindness and compassion.
Sometimes, I catch myself self-flagellating over something ridiculous, like forgetting to re-register for a class and then calling myself stupid and dumb when it is absolutely unnecessary. My partner is very good at catching me going down that negative self-talk path, and I welcome that interception. I mean, STUPID and DUMB over forgetting a class registration?! This class mess-up happened last weekend, and I would have spent the rest of Saturday blaming myself. I baked croissants instead. It ended up being a lovely afternoon despite that silly mistake. Next time, I will read the instructions thoroughly. That is all I am taking from that Saturday. And, well, the yummy croissants.
Community Question: How comfortable are you trying new things? Or trying something that you are not good at? Share your thoughts in the comments section!
Internet things on my mind
Shrinking Season Finale - That’s all I am going to say about it. It made me cry and laugh; I am talking loud-from-my-stomach laugh.
This powerful song by The Florence + The Machine. Thanks, Shrinking season finale.
Rae’s latest essay had me questioning people I idolize.
Bi-weekly dose of pittie cuteness
Alright, that’s all for now. Be kind to yourself, ladies, and hug your furries for me. KthxBieeeee!