Are “incels” bad?
And I don't mean those kinds of incels. We're talking more about hopeless romantics here.
Hello, everyone. I have been wavering over addressing this for the past month because I found myself asking this question. I talked with a friend of mine recently who said she stopped someone she knew from dating an “incel,” and I had to ask what she meant by that. Hearing her ramblings did not convey anything problematic to me: the guy was a loner who was also slightly desperate for a relationship. Of course, she took issue with that.
The comment “you are an incel” has more or less been one common critique of my work. Sometimes it is not said, but it is implied in comments such as “Please call us females” (which, by the way, I never had done otherwise, so to the person who did say that, please read, as it is not only fundamental to read, but also to avoid making yourself look like a complete and utter numpty.) That has been associated with incel terminology so much that it has been the main reason why the title of my passion project had to undergo many changes. Indeed, I have tried to deflect this criticism as if it was terrible to be called such a thing. However, through further introspection, I have found that the word has been transfigured by the dominant narrative that targets men and that, in reality, being an “incel” isn’t as bad as many make it out to be.
Before proceeding, I must make a distinction. This article discusses “incels,” which I will briefly describe in the next paragraph. (Don’t worry, the quotation marks will go away soon.) This way, that term will not be confused with Incels, which I will capitalize and italicize for the remainder of this article when I address them. Incels are the people who give a bad name to the general term, and I will explain why and how later.
Now, what do I mean by “incel?” An incel, essentially, is the modern equivalent of a hopeless romantic. Someone who sees others be more successful in the dating world and cannot fathom why they themselves cannot find a sustainable and long-term relationship. They want to express love to a potential significant other but are not able to due to a variety of reasons. This point is crucial for me to mention: contrary to popular belief, most incels are not in it for sex. This can be confusing, as incel is short for “involuntary celibate.” Sex might be critical to an extent for some, but romance is their main priority; in that regard, they only view sex as one expression of love. I definitely fall into this category: in my first blog post, I mention that I am asexual but not aromantic, so romance is what I aspire to have, despite not identifying as an incel. (Keep the last part of that sentence in mind.) While not all incels identify as asexual, they do not emphasize sex as the end goal. Otherwise, they would turn to sex workers to satisfy their needs.
The commonly held belief is that men predominate the incel scene. However, some women, who often become mockingly labeled “femcels,” also comprise a significant portion of the incel community. In my research of the word, I was surprised to learn that its originator was in fact a “queer Canadian woman” in the 1990s. Coining the expression initially as “invcel,” the woman, known only as Alana, was a student who had considered herself a “late bloomer” when it came to relationships. She eventually created her own website, Alana’s Involuntary Celibate Project, to establish a friendly place where people who stumble with forming loving relationships can interact. A marriage even blossomed between frequentors of the site. Of course, this history would be relatively forgotten (such is the plight of members of the LGBT community and their role in feminism and the civil rights movements). Due to the rise of Incels, the narrative would shift from lonely people looking for love to violent privileged terrorists. However, after reading about Alana, my general view of incels, not just the extremists, changed drastically.
Another place where I’ve seen discussion of “femcels” is the subreddit r/NiceGirls, which showcases many outrageous posts that showcase typical “incel” behavior. One post in particular stood out to me. I don’t have the exact link, as it seems to have been removed from the subreddit. However, the post was definitely recent, so if anyone can find it or was the original author, please let me know.
The post showed a conversation between a man and a woman, the man being happily married to another person. The chat starts well as they seemingly were friends from high school. The woman inquires if the man wants to be in a relationship with her. The man obviously declines; however, the woman starts becoming desperate and asks him to cheat on his wife for her. Of course, the man rebuffs her advances.
This sort of behavior is problematic, yes. Is it far off from what an incel might do? No, not really.
I made a connection between that post and my first blog there, as it does show that friendships can make a steady foundation for relationships, and over time, those feelings may develop. This is especially true for hopeless romantics. That post seemed to validate that this sort of thing is less of a gendered (read: male) issue than one might think.
Another impetus for writing this article actually came from a different subreddit: r/stupidpol. Stay with me now.
r/stupidpol discusses why identity politics suck from a more leftist perspective. (By the way, if you identify as a leftist but are extremely indoctrinated by identity politics, you’re not a leftist. You serve the center-right establishment with your rhetoric.) Three posts there stuck out in particular. The first was a link to a Jacobin article that explored the movie TFW No GF, which suggested that “incelism” can be attributed to the socioeconomic shifts that the United States has been enduring since the Great Recession. The film and article explore factors such as unemployment (men report higher numbers of unemployment) and education (men are more likely to drop out of school). In essence, they relate the pressures of the modern world to a more hostile reaction to dating.
This might be pure conjecture, but I do believe that as our society progresses in an era dominated by constant recessions, relationships will prove difficult to find. A lot of people don’t see the appeal, as having to support another mouth is tiresome when one can barely do so for themselves. Add to the inadequacy many men may feel with being associated with the lower class (with no help from certain people telling them they have no value if they are poor… *COUGH* Andrew Tate *COUGH*), and that is a recipe already for disaster. Then mix in “chemical X” (social media), and it is no surprise that dating is hard for an increasing number of people.
The second post from r/stupidpol opened my eyes to finally writing this article. It discusses exactly why “incel” as a word is often used pejoratively against certain people (i.e., men) and to shut down any criticism, regardless of its legitimacy. Long story short, aside from society’s weird infatuation with shaming virgins/nerds/whomever they deem a “loser,” it’s down to the following reasons: racism and misandry.
To be fair, short story long. You see, the common perception of an incel is a straight, white, cisgender man. You can see the problem that is about to erupt when that can be a strawman for one’s argument. I definitely will explore this in a part of my Why Victims of Female Perpetrators are Ignored series; in fact, it will be one of my favorite topics. It is increasingly becoming acceptable to hate people who identify with any or, even worse, all of the categories that I mentioned above. Hell, some are okay with the genocide of certain groups! This is all thanks to the fervent embracement of identity politics, specifically on “tHe LeFt,” which focused on minorities to the point of allowing contempt for people who are socially seen as the “majority.” Worse of all, they will condemn you if you say anything along the lines of, “Hey, isn’t that stereotype/derogatory term/phrase discriminatory?” Identity politics, across the entire political spectrum, is an echo chamber that allows bitterness to fester, and its co-opting by political parties gives carte blanche for extremism to rise from it. (Yes, the right engages in this too. They simply go in the other direction. It’s all a grand culture war that ultimately leads to nothing substantial for the American populace.)
The final post from r/stupidpol asked why Incels, who as a group engage in their own brand of identity politics, were not co-opted by liberals under the guise of “intersectionality.” This is true as their issues could be placed against “privileges” that certain people have, namely attractiveness. (Silly? Maybe. But we’re discussing identity politics here. Of course, it can be considered silly. They even tried to co-opt otherkin, for Christ’s sake.) The answer most came up with is because, as the second post mentioned, the usage of “incel” rarely comes up except to shame. Identity politics rarely has anything to offer in terms of solutions, and that goes double for incels. Instead, they are too preoccupied with bullying those who disagree with them to realize that their shaming has caused “incels” to drift off into the radical right and vote for the very politicians that the left despises.
In essence, r/stupidpol shows that even leftists who do not engage with identity politics take issue with the bashing of incels. It’s only used by those who have been indoctrinated to hate anything remotely associated with an “oppressive” group.
Side note, and in writing this, I hope I don’t engage in the very identity politics that I despise, but observers have noted that those who identify as incels tend to be on the autism spectrum. That… makes complete sense when you think about it. At least it makes sense to me, as I have been recently diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. Those who find themselves being called incels and those who suffer from ASD form a vesica piscis when it comes to socialization, especially forming loving relationships. These things require a yeoman’s worth of work on knowing certain graces and social cues. I bring this up for the reason that a lot of the incel-shaming done mainly by identity politicians may be ableist in and of itself. Another example of “idpol” essentially being a laughable hypocritical ideology. They will throw anyone they claim to protect under the bus in order to get a cheap “I insulted you, so my argument is valid, and so I win” moment. See also: “Donald Trump is totally gay for Putin, guys!” or “As a registered psychoanalyst, I can personally diagnose Donald Trump as mentally ill despite never even sniffing a whiff of him in my pathetic life.” (Side note to the side note: I will never understand why anyone who has autism would choose to engage with identity politicians. Their entire ideology centers around changing societal rules faster than underwear. Sure, you may not have to look them in the eye, but they will harass and condemn you for even thinking about challenging any of their lackadaisically applied rules that they will barely tell you directly because they are absurd in principle. It will simply be the fourth mask you’ll have to wear for the day.)
Now, to address the elephant in the room: Incels. They give “incels” a bad name due to primarily engaging in extremist identity politics. They unironically praise murderers like Elliot Rodger and plan to attack those they deem the enemy, mainly attractive people. They even have their own rhetoric trying to find biological reasons for their relationship woes, including measuring the circumference of their wrists? Okay, I need to fact-check that later, but I certainly remember hearing that be brought up. (No surprise that this also leads to some racism, with a significant portion of non-white incels blaming their struggles on their race.) While their concerns are valid, they are in no way going about this the right way. Thinking about it, they might actually just be similar to some feminists. But of course, those were a minority, so we can excuse them there, but not for “incels,” right? Can’t extend the same courtesies because one of two conclusions will be met: One, all movements have good intentions yet some bad apples, or two, feminism is an extremist movement at its core and has done more harm than good in its oft-proclaimed aims of gender equality. I will say the first claim is more likely… in this particular case. The second claim is a point of contention for another time.
The fact of the matter is that most “incels” do not associate with those kinds of people. (Remember when I said to keep a part of a sentence early in the article in mind?) Rather, they either keep their worries to themselves and wallow in their own misery, or they try to venture out to pursue relationships to varying degrees of success. Most people don’t go around saying that they are an incel. It can not only be socially stigmatizing but also unwarranted. Think of it this way: a study found that amongst the population in Gen Z, 63% of men are single. Many are either struggling or not feeling the worth of pursuing a relationship. Similar to many prospects like home ownership and early retirement, dating might just be put by the wayside in this hellscape. Hell, some readers might posit that I might be an incel. I don’t feel that way, but who knows in the end? We all deal with relationship issues, and merely shoving those concerns in a box of radicalism and extremism silences not only social issues that concern us today but also economic problems and prejudices held against groups of people who are seen as having the advantage.
So, to answer my question: No. There is nothing wrong if you find yourself as an incel. It is not about who you are or what issues you face; instead, it is about what you do with those problems and how you solve them.
What do you think? Do you believe that “incels” are indeed bad? Have you ever been labeled one? Let me know in the comments!