If you haven’t read the installment(s) leading up to this, stop reading and go get caught up!
Moments in Not Knowing I was Jewish
ONE
I am at my friend’s house. I am in first or second grade. We’re in the kitchen and her family is making “Superman Burgers” (a cheeseburger with an S drawn on the cheese in ketchup). Her younger brother says, “You celebrate Hanukkah, right?”
I say I do, even though I don’t, because I know it’s what he wants me to say and he seems excited by the idea that I might.
“You’re so lucky, you get so many presents!” he says.
I nod uncomfortably hoping the subject will change and he won’t ask me any questions I can’t answer.
TWO
For my parents’ anniversary one year we’ve checked into a hotel in Los Angeles. They have plans that evening and they’ve hired a hotel babysitter to watch my younger sister and me. The babysitter wears a Star of David necklace. When my parents return, the babysitter and my dad get into a long conversation about stuff that is too adult for me but I know it has to do with Israel. Maybe also with discrimination.
“I let her think I was Jewish,” my dad explains, when I ask what all that was. “She really wanted to believe I was Jewish,” he says.
Note: Until right this moment it never occurred to me how the above two moments are mirrors of each other.
THREE
I am in high school and I’m doing a science project with two classmates, we’ll call them Amy and Danielle. They are popular and I want them to be my friends. I am a good student and they are hoping I will help them get a good grade. We’re at Amy’s house, having a snack, and Amy breaks a pop tart and gives the smaller half to Danielle.
“God, don’t be so Jewish!” Danielle says.
“DANIELLE!” Amy hisses, motioning to me.
“Oh, I’m not Jewish,” I say.
FOUR
I am in college. I’m a senior and I’m talking to a professor during his office hours. The class has just started so I am new to him.
“Rosen?” he says, looking down at the email I had sent asking a question about cultural theory.
“Yes but I’m not Jewish,” I say quickly. It is second nature for me to respond this way.
“Oh, I was just going to say it means Roses in German.”
I will later find out that he was raised Jewish.
That summer I will find out, while walking on Balboa Island with my mom, that actually I am Jewish. I will immediately think of him and how I insisted I wasn’t Jewish when he simply said my name.
FIVE
I am in college. I’ve just picked up my mail from the mail room. There’s a flyer from Hillel inviting me to something or other. “I’M NOT JEWISH!” I will say too loudly. “WHYYYYYY DOES EVERYONE THINK I’M JEWISH????” I will resent that based on my last name they have assumed I’m Jewish. I just want to blend in.
SIX
I am in Austin for South by Southwest. I am a music journalist and I go every year. This year I am sad and depressed. I am at a party with another music journalist I am acquaintances with but also sort of competitive with and an LA Times reporter who is hitting on her. The attention he is paying her is making me feel more and more like a third wheel and more and more alone. Being alone and depressed in a crowd is making me despondent.
The guy is Jewish. She is blond haired and blue eyed. Somehow Judaism comes up. I say I’m not Jewish—even though I have found out that I am at this point but it won’t mean anything to me for many, many years. “
You’re a… what is the word? You’re a shiksa!” she declares proudly. I often look back on this moment, because it is ridiculous.
TO BE CONTINUED
Oh hi it’s me. Kinda wishing the above were more pithy and funny. Am I striking the right tone? I worry the tone is too heavy. Anyway!
Yesterday I had the publisher of my book Tropical Attire Encouraged (And Other Phrases That Scare Me) on my podcast and it was a really fascinating conversation. We talked about this Substack a little and the changing landscape of media (he is the head of Creators Syndicate which is a big syndication company that has moved into book publishing as well). That will air Monday.
If you buy my book, please consider leaving a review. Consider it and then do it! (That’s what I mean by consider. Don’t, like, consider and then decide against it.)
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Personally I like the tone. Not everything has to be pithy.. or ‘easy, breezy’... You are excavating very personal, poignant moments (on a platform that can handle it) and I find your Substack moving and brave and compelling. Your podcast is a mix of light hearted and deep... and that’s what makes it successful. You write beautifully, you have a sense of humor and regardless of the subject that always shines throughout. . Keep up the good work and as always thanks for sharing.
I think this is your next book. This whole story would be a fascinating book, and maybe you could even tie it in with the stuff you’ve been dealing with on social media. But if you do write this book, whatever happens DO NOT dedicate it to me. You should only dedicate it to someone who inspired you and gave you a great idea and that clearly is not me.*
*I’m using reverse psychology. Did it work? 😉