It’s been 2.5 years since we’ve lived there, but after spending four days back in DC last week, my old home, it was pretty damn hard to come back.
Can I miss my flight?
Is our old apartment available?
What does the real estate market look like?
Do I think I can find us jobs?
My old team might be looking…..
Oh, by the way, Mark, Oscar might be for sale.
During Covid I had what felt like a quarter/third/mid-life crisis? And I know that’s not unique to me; it was a weird first few months, an unprecedented situation, if you will, and life changed for a lot of people, some for the better, some, not so much.
Both Mark and I had our own complications in our work situations. My team at the time was not suited for remote work, so it was kind of a free for all and then random hair on fire moments. We had some contract concerns; will we still have funding? What do all our big plans and goals look like if we can’t do our travel, testing, etc.?
Then, in an attempt to protect myself, I started a new job, at the same place, on a different team. They also didn’t know how to do remote work and there was a ton of turnover, leading to a lot of confusion from all sides. They hired, too quickly, with no plan, which, as you can imagine, ended up being a bit of a cluster. So when we got the opportunity to move to Hawaii, I jumped. How can you say no to Hawaii?!
I don’t regret Hawaii, I don’t regret leaving DC, but I do miss the hell out of it. Looking back, I would have changed some of my decisions that I made before Covid, not during/after. You live and you learn and what else can you do but continue forward?
DC is a special place. It’s where I spent, what I consider, my most formative years. The people, the work ethic, the opportunities, they all seem.. better. People are nicer - no, that’s not right. People are more genuine; you know what you’re getting when you interact with them, they aren’t fake. The first thing I saw when I got off the plane in Phoenix were ads for plastic surgery. And while DC certainly has its extravagance, it’s absurdity, its fakeness (look at Congress), it really has so much more to offer.
Not to mention it. is. stunning.
The monuments.
Nature.
Culture.
I’ve tentatively been looking for a new job, have had a few conversations, submitted a few applications, might have an offer coming in soon. And in that process, I’ve been trying to understand my hesitation for what, on paper, logically, seem like amazing opportunities. Because each time I get past the first step, I freeze, and second-guess everything about it. Am I making the right decision? Will this job be better? Will the people be better? Is it worth it?
I think a lot of it comes down to not having a sense of meaning or purpose in the work I’ve been doing since I left DC. I don’t get a sense of accomplishment or fulfillment from working in cybersecurity per se, I get it from the meaning behind the mission, the reason behind the work I am doing. I do cybersecurity because I’m good at it, and I do enjoy it, but it isn’t what provides fulfillment, meaning, nor value, necessarily.
Can I find that in Arizona? I don’t know. I don’t think so.
But at the same time, I can’t just up and move to DC.
We were watching The Diplomat, on Netflix, over the weekend and there was a quote that really resonated with me.
"I spent a decade building a reputation in a community such that when I say something, people f---ing listen to me."
While I haven’t been working in the same community, nor even the same sector, I have spent the past decade building my career and my reputation. Which makes it all that much harder when I learn people are actively working to undermine and destroy my reputation at my current job. I’m not about that life. I’ve worked too hard for the career I’ve had.
That’s it for this week.
Next week I’m going to have a guide to DC - some of my favorite places in and around the general DC area.
xx.