Maybe it's a little bit obvious to say this, but I think it's important sometimes to say things that should be obvious out loud.
This is your path. You are sovereign over your craft. And no one knows better than you what is right for you.
I choose the word "sovereign" here very deliberately and specifically. A sovereign is an autonomous ruler, a supreme monarch. No one may give a directive to sovereign and demand their compliance. A sovereign is always the one who makes the choice for their kingdom.
When the story broke about the activities of the NXIVM organization, the lurid details of the self-improvement organization turned sex cult fascinated the public. It sounded like something out of a bad movie -- a "sisterhood" that involved "master-slave" relationships that were enforced with "collateral" and where the women involved were often pressed into having sex with the leader of NXIVM, Kieth Raniere. The women involved were required to brand themselves -- like cattle -- with a mark that viewed from a certain angle, was a glyph of Raniere's initials.
It went beyond that, however. Even the followers of NXIVM that were not part of the strange sisterhood called "DOS" report that Raniere was controlling, and he preached a self-improvement system that at its core was deeply misogynistic, undermined the self-esteem of its adherents, demanded years of underpaid labor on behalf of the organizations' various companies, and which labeled anyone who dared question him as being "suppressive."
The people caught up in this organization came from all walks of life, and in many instances were very successful and wealthy. A filmmaker who had produced a famous documentary, several actors that were featured on hit TV shows, the heiress of the Seagrams fortune, and many others. It was probably easy for people to dismiss their fears when so many attractive people who seemed smart and accomplished were singing the program's praises. As one former member noted, "nobody joins a cult." meaning that no one sets out thinking that they want to become part of a predatory organization that seeks to strip its members of their autonomy in order to feed the ego and line the pocketbook of a cult leader.
Most individuals who get caught up in cults don't know in the beginning that that is what they are doing. That's how cults work. They slowly isolate their adherents, and then rewire their thinking, all along promising that there is some big payoff -- more enlightenment, more success, you name it. And they keep their members in the fold with the threat of being ostracised, and in the case of NXIVM, having their "collateral" exposed.
This rewiring of the thinking, this is the thing that lies at the dark heart of so many cults and how they retain control over their adherents. The whole point of the process is to create a sense of dependency on the cult leader, a feeling that the leader has all the answers, and in exchange for the their obedience, the adherent can expect a comfortable existence where they have all the answers that they need. They just need to accept that the cult leader knows what they should think and do better than they do.
The Craft, unfortunately, with its emphasis on hidden knowledge and traditions that are often oathbound, or emphasize charismatic leaders, sadly can prove fertile ground for toxic leaders who are looking for followers, who may not be creating a cult, but are using a lot of the same tools that cult leaders do.
It is important that as you seek knowledge from others that you not become someone's follower, even if that relationship doesn't look like you're being recruited for a cult. Ultimately, the person who wants you to follow them is serving themselves, not you, and there will be no limit to what they will ask you to sacrifice for the sake of their ego.
There are certain personality types and psychological conditions that make a person susceptible to cult recruitment and to those cultivating followers. Low self-esteem is high on the list. People whose background has made them big on seeking others' approval, and people who have a need for bright-line rules are also prone to falling into the trap. The first thing you can do to protect yourself is to know yourself. Do not be afraid to seek help from a licensed professional if you have "issues." We ALL have "issues." (Many of us probably could better characterize them as subscriptions.) There is no shame in having things you want to work on, or having wounds that are tough to heal on your own. The more you understand about how to positively address the parts of yourself that need healing, the less likely you are to seek cheap answers from toxic leaders.
One of the things that remains consistent across every cult is that the "leader" resists any and all attempts to be held accountable for any of their words or actions. Those that question them are made out to be problematic, and given labels like "suppressive" or "toxic." There is a lot of gaslighting, where those who ask too many questions are either told they are imagining it, or are simply not understanding the good the leader is doing. When you are in the beginning stages of your relationship with anyone who wants to be a "teacher" or other kind of authority in your life, pay close attention to what happens when they are challenged, by you or by someone else. It's true that no one welcomes being challenged. A little defensiveness is natural, but watch closely how they take in opposing ideas and questions to their actions. Do they dismiss the issue out of hand? Do they start personally attacking the person questioning them, or label the person as a "troublemaker?" Do they start throwing their status as a leader up as a shield?
Sometimes a person will resist during an initial confrontation, but eventually, as you watch over time, they take the critique on board. They hold themselves accountable to others in their orbit and take responsibility if they do something that harms another. Even if it takes some time, ultimately, they own their shit. If a person can't name a time when they fucked up and fully owned it, or if that time was a really, really long time ago, be suspicious. And if everything that is wrong in their life is because someone else did something to them, run. It's only a matter of time before they try to make you the fall guy for something they brought upon themselves.
You should be looking for a guide, not a guru. And the thing that separates one from the other is how comprehensive the influence is that they seek to claim over you. At first, the interest that at toxic leader takes in every facet of your life will seem flattering. The attention and the level of involvement can feel like nurturing, especially if you usually feel unworthy of note. The red flags should go up if they start isolating you from other sources of information or support. A toxic leader wants no one else to be able to give you ideas that might lead to you question their teachings. They will throw barriers up to you associating with other teachers too closely, and will insist that you keep them informed of any other interactions you might be having with other people. If your oath to a group is meant to keep you from acquiring knowledge from anyone outside the group, reconsider making that promise. Usually oaths are meant to keep you from sharing the group's secrets, not to isolate you from any and all knowledge outside the group.
A guide also doesn't override your sense that you know best about your own path. Sure, we all need someone in our lives who will tell us the truths we might be too scared to acknowledge, or mistakes that we might be inadvertently making. We all want the friend who will tell us when our fly is open or we have spinach in our teeth. But there is a difference between the person who shows you a problem so you can decide what to do about it, and the person who intentionally undermines your faith in yourself to increase their influence over you. We all make mistakes. Life is messy, but by and large, absent something clinical and severe, people should be empowered to trust their own instincts and make their own decisions. A person who undermines your personal autonomy should not be trusted. They are at the very least disrespecting you, and at worst priming your self-doubt so that you are more willing to be controlled by them.
The bottom line is this: you should be deeply suspicious of anyone who tries to make you believe that they know better than you what is right for you. Anyone who seeks your compliance who does not offer you their accountability in exchange should be viewed as a threat to your well-being. Someone who cannot admit when they are wrong under any circumstances is not going to add value to your life.
You are sovereign of your own path. And those around you need to respect that. Even in an oathbound relationship, where you do specifically agree to limit yourself to the terms of the oath you take, in the end, the oath represents a choice YOU make. And although no one really likes to discuss this, you can choose to relinquish oaths you have taken. No one likes to do that. It's painful and ill-advised, and it's important that if you do unwind an oath you do it with honor and integrity. There are consequences, both social and spiritual. But it happens. And honestly, it's important that we recognize that and get okay with it.
Because it's important that our Craft not be coercive. If we are to avoid cultish behaviors, and toxic leadership, we need to always land on the side of empowering witches to make the choices that are best for them, even if those choices lead them away from our tradition, away from our group, away from our influence. The operating mindset for group leaders and teachers should be that if we can only keep a relationship through coercive tactics, whether via open or tacit threats, or through manipulative behaviors that create dependency and sap confidence, then perhaps we do not deserve to have those relationships.
Those who are guarding and nurturing a tradition certainly can say whether that individual has met the criteria to belong to their tradition. But that has nothing to do with the more general issue of being a witch. I say this often and it bears repeating: You don’t need anyone’s permission to do witchcraft. Most non-cult traditions aim to restrict who has access to the lore of the tradition or who can claim membership in the tradition, but do not aim to restrict the witch from accessing knowledge beyond the tradition, so long as it doesn’t require a contradictory or competing oath.
Those we teach and guide are free agents, and even if they are oathbound to us, that doesn’t mean they have surrendered their right to choose their path, even if their choices take them away from us. Broken bonds hurt. But if a bond isn’t consensual and mutual, it is not a bond worth having. We need to understand that ultimately, those who choose us as guides and teachers are honoring us with their trust, and that trust must be honored in return with respect, and with the acknowledgment that this is their path, not ours. Our goal needs to be to give the seeker the tools to walk their path how THEY wish.
Those who fall into the trap of a toxic leader and manage to extricate themselves often face a long road of recovery where they have to keep asking themselves, "why didn't I see it sooner? How on earth could I have let this happen?" There are also way too many people who shake their heads when they hear someone became part of a cult or got sucked into a toxic relationship, fully convinced that if it were them, they would NEVER have been so duped.
It's important to recognize that predatory people are very manipulative, and they don't tell you what their endgame is. Sometimes they don't even know themselves -- they are just doing what they need instinctively to feed their ego, and don't really stop to think what satisfying their need is doing to others. Whether intentional or not, it's always important to remember that the blame and the shame should not be directed at the person who was sucked into the toxic dynamic, but rather the person who created it and fed off of it.
My hope as a teacher and a guide is to help witches reach their full potential, whatever that means to them. My hope for students is that they find guides who can meet them where they are, and that they have a safe space for them to learn and grow on their own terms, in their own ways. If that’s with me, I am honored. If not, I hope they find it someplace else.
They are the sovereigns of their paths, as you are of yours. It is absolute sovereignty. Never forget it.
You rule.
Thank you so much for writing this piece. I've shared it with friends of my spiritual group and I hope it helps prevent further harm to the witch community...