A petal shrivels up and weights the stem
In May, I kinda set my brain on fire with Ayahuasca. Letting me see this earth and all its systems collapse, the retreat’s second night was the least cozy one of my life so far.
During the three months since, I did not much more than watching my brain boil and rearrange itself. And by “boil”, I mean a makeover of my salience landscape at the level of reading messages of profound wisdom in number plates for two weeks after, seeing my motivational system completely rearrange itself, wondering whether I’m going psychotic. That kind of thing.
I’m a more resilient, happy, mature, and not-afraid-of-dying human now than I was before the retreat. But oh boy, don’t offer me another journey earlier than in a decade or two.
Alongside this personal transformation, the social world around me underwent some changes. I became way clearer about what I want out of and have to offer to the world. And, I found out which of my people had the patience to stick with profound-meaning-in-numberplates-me and which ones didn’t.
After my trajectory as a truth-seeker and do-gooder stabilized from its initial erratic swerving into a more steady course, I finally found the emotional space over the last days to grieve the relationships that broke along the way.
Here’s a sonnet I made about this whole process.
A petal shrivels up and weights the stem,
A dream, once nourishing, now turning past.
I'm almost ready now to shed at last
This scale, to rearrange my tender hem.I'm turning inward just a bit to feed
The scar and grow myself a firmer skin.
Upheaving how I find and feed my kin,
I learn to make a stand for what I need.In knowing better me, I, too, know you,
And knowing us, I, too, know what to do:
My reckless flailing shall mature to care.I want to diligently do my share,
With clearer sight and deed I rise anew,
A cosmopolitician I shall be.