Today, Sunday 23rd October is the end of National Adoption Week 2022 here in the UK.
Since the beginning of the week I have been trying to write something for the week but have found it terribly difficult to do so. The five hundred words or so I had written up to today (most of which will be hacked into the rest of this of this post somewhere) seem distant and cerebral: too far removed from the visceral reality that has made this such a significant topic for me. Each time I try and write about it, I think of all the people involved that I know personally, or know about, and of the potential for misunderstanding and even offence or hurt that my words might cause.
Children’s social care, fostering, and adoption services are interconnected elements in a wider system with so many moving parts that it feels difficult to isolate one element for consideration without touching on many others. Each of the parts of this ‘system’ consists of people — people dealing with situations that stir the deepest and most complex of emotions, touching on our most basic needs and rights for security, belonging and love: the deepest core of our human sense of identity.
So what I have really wanted to do, is to tell a story — the hard, emotional, difficult story of how I have come to the perspective I now have on adoption.
But I don’t feel I can. Not yet.
So I find myself retreating, for now, to the less costly ground of pointing towards other voices. If you are aware at all of National Adoption Week, it is probably because you have seen promotional material from adoption agencies seeking to recruit new potential adoptive parents, or articles derived from adoption agency press-releases. There is some encouragement to be derived, I think, from the fact that National Adoption Week has the theme of ‘identity’ this year, and that there is a move away by some agencies from the ‘unicorns and rainbows’ picture of adoption that has historically dominated the narrative.
However, a significant number of the adult adoptees I follow online have withdrawn from social media for the week as they find it too upsetting and triggering of the trauma they have experienced. Others have chosen the week to launch a new movement of adult adoptees, emerging from the UK Parliament’s Joint Committee on Human Rights inquiry on historic adoption practices. They have published a response to the findings of that inquiry which you can find here.
I followed some of the oral evidence given to that enquiry online as it was delivered live, as well as reading the hundreds of written submissions to the inquiry, and and found the testimony, both of the adult adoptees and the mothers who were effectively coerced into giving up their children, incredibly moving. What struck me most forcefully was that even though the circumstances of adoption now are typically rather different than they were in the period under review up to 1976, many of the underlying human rights violations that the inquiry uncovered -- and stated that the Government should apologise for — still apply to adoption as it is practised in the UK today.
But talk of inquiries and committees, of groups and movements, of rights and violations, is hardly likely to stir the blood. People are, unfortunately perhaps, rarely persuaded of a cause by reasoned argument, the patient laying out of research evidence, and the exposition of legal arguments concerning checks and balances in the exercise and constraint of fundamental human rights. People are much more likely to be swayed by personal testimony, and by the telling of stories. But in the case of adult adoptees, even if their story seems horrific, we can always convince ourselves that things are different now.
The problem, as I see it, is that things are not as different now as might be assumed. The fundamental human rights issues that were scrutinised in last year’s inquiry about the adoptions of four or more decades ago, in circumstances which seem so appalling now, are still there at the heart of adoption today, and I have been longing to tell the story that brought me first to that realisation, and to do the reading, listening and research that convinced me that despite the changes in practice that have occurred over the past few decades and that are ongoing, the legal framework for adoption as practised in the UK is untenable as it takes the exercise of fundamental human rights away from those to whom they adhere (adoptees and the families from whom they are adopted) and places them in the hands of others, without the free consent of those from whom they are taken, and without an adequate mechanism to allow those most directly affected (adoptees) to exercise their rights to the greatest extent possible in an age appropriate way while they are children, and to be able to exercise those rights fully once they are adults.
To put it a little more concisely (if not bluntly enough): I do not believe that children should be legally and permanently severed from their families of origin, and (potentially at least) denied access to their wider kinship networks, as the preferred method of providing permanence for children whose parents have been deemed incapable looking after them adequately.
I hope, especially now I have this week formally resigned my registration as a foster carer, that I will be able to find ways of telling some parts of the personal story that contributed towards my reaching this position. In the meantime, I am tangling myself in knots again mentally with this post, so I will draw it an end. I wanted to do so by pointing you in the direction of what I feel was a very useful Twitter thread from an adoptive parent (Jennifer Thibodeaux Sands) but she has made her account private for the time being so I will quote the full thread instead, in the hope that anyone whose interest may have been piqued by what I have written so far will undertake the listening and learning journey she suggests:
Hi everyone! I’m an adoptive mother of young adults & would like to invite you all to a challenge. Would you consider taking the next 30-90 days & listen to Adult Adoptees? The goal of this is to seek to understand their perspectives & lived experiences to provide better care. /1
What I’ve learned as I’ve listened has been positive & life changing for my entire family. I find this challenge best done Listen-only. As you listen you will undoubtedly hear things that prompt ?’s. This is good! When this happens simply write them down & listen more. /2
During your 30-90 days, you’ll undoubtedly hear things that you disagree with. Possible w/every fiber of your being. When this happens, write this down too & then ask yourself why you disagree. I’ve been taught to ask “why” to that answer. Repeat up to 5 times. Keep listening. /3
As you listen, you may want to debate at some point. You may feel the urge to defend. You may be offended by emotions you’re hearing. You may want to challenge. Want to teach. Please don’t. Please just continue listening. Be a humble the learner. Seeking to understand. /4
As you’re learning those ?’s will continue. Some people start demanding answers. Demanding an education. Please, please don’t do this. I promise you, the answers are already out there. Already written in a multitude of ways. Just continue listening. Ideally for the 90 days./5
There are perspectives ab adoption baked into society in a myriad of ways. Things we haven’t questioned. Many of you know adoptees. Maybe even parent adoptees. For this challenge, pls do all you can to listen w/fresh ears. Caring ears. /6
At the end of the time, there will still be much to learn. I’ve been parenting & listening for years & around adoptees even longer. I’m still learning. But I’ve grown much & feel I better understand how to support w/integrity. The challenge is hard work, but worthy work. /7
Listen here on Twitter. On TikTok. Podcasts. Read books & articles written by Adoptees. When you’ve completed the challenge, no matter where you stand on the things brought up, pls do interact w/the Adoptees you encounter w/dignity & respect. Even when you disagree. It matters./8
& feel free to reach out to me when you’re done. I’d be interested to hear how it went & happy to point you in the direction of Adoptee-developed resources if you have specific ?’s.
I do hope some of you will give this a go & be in touch in the coming months. Peace to all./end
In other news this week, I had a piece published in Nation.Cymru on my adopted home town of Llanelli — please read it here. Comments on the piece on the site itself would be very welcome!
Thanks, Ant. This is such an important topic, not often enough addressed. I didn't know about National Adoption Week. I grew up in Canada, where thousands of Indigenous children were forcefully and illegally adopted into white families in the second half of the 20th century, what is today known as the Sixties Scoop. That shameful history of racism and abuse has led to more honest discussions about the problems of removing children from their birth families and communities, but so more is left be done, including eradicating the inequalities and traumas that are often at the heart of adoptions and fostering in the first place. Keep up the excellent work.
From a great distance, we, your siblings witnessed, during your Fostering period a tiny fraction of your joys, sorrows, challenges and triumphs. I'm certain for most of us our understanding of the issues is marginal too. Our pride is immense. But on reading this ( and between the lines) we have work to do to honour that pride. I will commit to more reading, duscussion, and research , until my limited experience and understanding is expanded. I'll expect and allow my historical viewpoints to be replaced or shifted due to factual, thoughtful,and meaningful encounters with real lives.
Thanks Ant you make a difference. All my love. X