“If He Wanted to He Would” and Materialism as Love in Heterosexual Relationships
A messy exploration of hetero relationships and materialism
Gold digging women was a hot topic in the 2000s when I grew up. Queue Gold Digger by Kanye west… I feel like that conversation fizzled out eventually, now I witness the occasional story about a young budding celebrity dating some man 20 years her senior . This conversation has shifted ( at least in my sphere of the internet) from young women pursuing rich/older men to rich, powerful, older men praying on the youth of young women. Examples: Leonardo Dicaprio, Jesse Rutherford, Brad Pitt, Chris Evans etc.
The gold digger conversation has changed shape further for women. It’s not a shameful thing for a woman to seek financial security before anything else when forming romantic relationships. (Note: I’ll only be speaking about cishet, heterosexual relationships in this piece as they are the most present in this trends discussed— according to my experience on the web.)
Recently the algorithm has been feeding me videos of women on TikTok who give advice on how to get money from men, or how to attract men with money.
The woman in this video— SheraSeven created the “sprinkle, sprinkle” ideology? I guess we can call it that but she explains it as meaning, “If ya’ll don’t know what sprinkle sprinkle means, it means like ‘blessings’ [or] ‘bless your heart”
An example of Shera’s “Sprinkle, Sprinkle” advice:
Should you date a broke unemployed guy?: “If you ugly and that is your last hope and dying wish. Sprinkle sprinkle”. What is your advice for a 21 year old?: “Have fun, don’t get pregnant and don’t sleep with no dusty broke man.”
Shera primarily gives dating advice, but I find it interesting how far removed her advice and the advice of other’s is so far removed from the act of two people connecting. Shera isn’t telling people how to fall in love, or how to have their emotional needs met or even how having fun with someone could look like a lot of different things. A lot of advice around dating on the internet feels like it leaves out what makes dating and connecting to enjoyable—romance. But what even is romance in this sphere of the web?
I understand the appeal of casual dating especially in the modern day. Life requires a lot from all of us, increasingly so. It makes sense that people want to put love and serious relationships in the peripheral while focusing on themselves (or is this just capitalism and isolation? Maybe both!) Just because these relationships are casual, does not mean they need to be void of care, respect and romance. As a romantic, romance is what makes our relationships so fun. Although definitions may vary from person to person I think of romance as the ways that intimacy appears in relationships, the act of showing and receiving affection and the feeling that you are walking forward somewhere with someone and not really sure where it’ll go. It’s exciting, it’s butterflies, but also comfort. It’s something that makes the world feel bigger, shinier, softer. You know it when it’s there. It’s not even strictly romantic, it can also be platonic. Romance is a feeling that captures us all, but so often conversations we hear around dating exclude it.
What we see in media as romantic, feels like a performance of romance. It’s often materialism and gender roles coming together to create a big show. The material is evidence that there is romance or love or some kind of connection but I think the contrary is often true, at least on social media.
I see this a lot with the “ If he wanted to he would” side of TikTok. This statement used to appear in response to men who were not willing to give their girlfriend’s or the women they were dating the “bare minimum.” Now, the phrase has settled itself into an increasingly materialistic space. If a man loves a woman, he will show it through grand gesture, it will be visible, often times expensive and most off all it will prove the woman’s worth to the man and the value of the relationship.
A good boyfriend, man, situationship or husband is typically someone who will spend money on their significant other, pay for meals, pay the bills, provide expensive or grand gifts etc. Even women can be seen on the internet showing off their financial affection. Usually, on TikTok this genre of content includes but is not limited to videos of women being gifted a hundred roses or, for the more well-off, a trip on a yacht to Santorini. In the caption or the comments or even in bold white letters across the screen, always appears “If he wanted to, he would.”
There’s nothing wrong with giving gifts, I’m a hater but this isn’t all there is to this. I think what ends up missing from these conversations is personhood. Can you happily spend time with someone who is only able to give you money? (yes, I know the answer is yes). Is it possible that someone can love you well without doing the things that society and their gender has led you to expect of them. If dating is meant to be fun isn’t part of the fun the romance, or the thrill of connecting with someone new?
Much of the internet fails to conceptualize relationships as things rooted in love, more than attachment, safety ( financial or otherwise), etc. But the way that loving someone is a constant ask—to be taken with all your flaws—and to have someone say “yes, I still love you” in the face of every single one. This essential, life-changing acceptance is clouded by what relationships (casual or serious) look like from the outside. The conversation isn’t about love or truly dating to enjoy someone and what they offer but about who else accepts and envies the people we connect with and how our value is communicated through those people.
I think dating culture feels hard and jaded currently. Or maybe it always has been. Dating culture is currently dependent on treating every person as if they are not an individual person. Disposable, because if you never get too close then the stakes stay low.
Even within serious romantic relationships, it seems to be forgotten that people show affection differently. Often the way that someone cares for you will not look like much to other people, sometimes people care for us in ways that feel ordinary. Real relationships during their everyday probably wouldn’t rack up views or communicate some sense of higher class if we put them on the internet. When we really show affection, and it starts from who we are as people it looks so different from person to person and has very little to do about what we buy.