July 7th, 2023
Longing to be chosen, transforms into feeling love.
Grieving loved ones. I came to Crown Point without a plan or an idea that I’d end up here. I just drove, and didn’t stop until I arrived at a place that is close to my heart, sentimental and holds memories of loved ones deep in my heart.
The pain of loss and also the emotion of flowing love, both produce the same result, tears of sadness, tears of love, emotion flowing, rippling out in waves from every beat of my heart until the waters crash on the shores of my face.
Lessons of love, or more like experience of love. There’s no lesson except a reminder we are alive, with a beating heart. Even though it’s uncomfortable, feeling my heart is the entire journey. Otherwise I’d be closed, and ill.
For a while my heart had the capacity to radiate, but deeply feel love? No. Not until I started losing loved ones. Grandpa’s life was ended in a sacrifice of love, the love he shared and gave us woke all of us up to the love we are capable of feeling, and our capacity of healing.
The loss of Koda, [My little fur friend] was a break of my heart, preparing me, for the loss of my grandfather. And the same for my grandparents in Peru. Their passing woke up my heart and re-awakened its radiance, its fullest power of expression. To once again experience life as an awake, alive, human.
…
There’s a faint memory of some romance at this Crown Point. My grandpa Lance always loved sharing about the history but also the relationships and especially the relationships of love between two people. Always coming together at a meeting point in the middle, between their two territories or cultures. Usually a river or lake was involved.
A forbidden love, across enemy lines.
Right now I’m sitting on the New York side, just an eye gaze away from the bridge that distinguishes the end of Vermont and beginning of New York.
Where is right in the middle?
That’s all I deserve and all I’m asking for. Your courage to say yes, to what you’ve been drawn to by me, life outside of the expected,
let’s explore together.
Lighter
Freer
Flying with love as our compass, our heart as our guide.
After writing this, I went back to the Vermont side and enjoyed a turkey sandwich with fries and a coffee. It was an old school place with a menu that reminded me of a New York City diner. It was the kind of place my grandfather would have definitely stopped at during his many visits to Crown Point. It was also the kind of place my recent love would have been drawn to.
Inside the restaurant was a stained glass image of a hummingbird, a symbol of love.
This is part 4 of a 4 part Journal Cafe series. These are all entries in my journal from the summer that I resisted to share. After I transcribed them from journal to Substack drafts, I realized there is a beautiful sequence of reflections that connect in unexpected ways.
Part 1: Beginning of the journey
Part 2: The cosmic grind
Part 3: Vivid Coffee
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