Two friends, two faiths
Their religion used to bring them close--now it seems to keep them apart
Dear Isabel,
My friend T. and I have known each other for over 30 years. When we were young, we belonged to the same religion. We didn’t talk about religion all that much, but it was part of the bond we shared. Since then, I have converted to another faith, and while she has come to a service or two and says she understands why it’s a good fit for me, she’s also said she is sad that I left.
I wish we could talk about this aspect of our lives. I want to know what her faith means to her now that she’s grown up and has kids. I’m afraid that talking about a touchy subject might threaten our friendship—like if I bring it up, she’ll think I’m trying to criticize her beliefs or even to convert her. But my religion is a big part of my life, I think hers is a big part of hers, and it feels like there’s a big area we can’t enter anymore. We could just keep avoiding it, but I also don’t want our friendship to become trivial.
Lost Something in NY
Dear Lost Something,
Hm, or maybe I shouldn’t call you that. With respect, I am not sure you’ve lost anything, except some confidence in yourself and trust in your friendship.
It’s true that religion is a tender subject, and especially so if you once shared a faith and now don’t. But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it at all, just that you need to proceed gently.
Why not tell your friend what you would like and what makes you hesitate? Tell her that you respect her choice and would like to know more about what is important to her. Assure her that you’re not going to criticize her or try to change her—that you just want to know because you care about her and always want to know her better. I’m sure she would appreciate that—who wouldn’t?
Since you never talked about religion much, it’s very possible that there have always been significant differences between your beliefs, even when they came under the umbrella of the same religion. (Believe me, many people who sit side by side in services in the very same mosque – temple – church – etc. never talk about these things!) So instead of starting from “We had this and we lost it,” how would it be to start from “I think religion is important to each of us, and we’ve never shared much about it”?
And then just listen to each other, over lunch or a cup of tea. What a lovely journey you might take together. If either of you finds themself getting defensive or critical, then you can pause and create a no-go zone, for just then or for a long time. But it may be that that doesn’t happen at all. I hope the conversation enriches your friendship.
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Next week: The people who only come to church on Christmas Eve make me angry. How do I let it go?