relationship puzzles

adviceposting

Giorgio Morandi, Still Life, 1943

Housekeeping: if you’re interested in being part of my matchmaking database, fill out this form here! Being part of the database just means I’ll contact you about a potential match if you seem like a good fit for someone :) This is free and purely if you’re open to potentially meeting new people!!

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i. What to say when people ask you, Should I break up with my partner?

I think the primary way I’ve changed after talking to a lot of people about their relationships is that I’ve become far less judgmental. Though everyone wants someone who is a perfect intellectual, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and social match, in the vast majority of cases no such person exists. That doesn’t mean love isn’t real. Far from it: I’ve become convinced that love actually exists in the imperfect person who meets some of your needs but not others, whose existence reinvigorates your belief in romance.

I find that people often looking for me to tell them about their own needs. Is the relationship right even if we don’t share this hobby in common? Is the relationship right even if she’s not a good listener? Is the relationship right if he said this to me last night? For the most part, I don’t feel equipped to tell someone what decision they should make. I find that the most helpful thing to say is, “Hey, you don’t seem very happy.” Or conversely: “You know, you actually do seem quite in love.”

I think that successful relationships can look incredibly different depending on the people in them. Some people want to be extremely enmeshed with their partners, sharing every thought and feeling; others want to feel independent but supported. By being descriptive instead of prescriptive, I feel better equipped to support people without telling them what they should do. (If I tell you what you should do, just know that it’s really dire.)

ii. If you have big feelings… give yourself grace.

I keep noticing that how I feel in the moment is not necessarily the “truth” of my experience. For instance, I might feel really negative and paranoid about a relationship after a fight, but two days later when we’ve made up I often have a totally different perspective. Of course, telling yourself “Don’t catastrophize” is one thing, but actually doing it is another. Over the years, I’ve tried to get better and better at not ruminating. You know that feeling when you’re obsessing over something trying to find a solution, going around in circles again and again? For me, that often arises when I’m trying to find an intellectual answer to an emotional problem.

Instead of obsessing over it in my head, I now try to tell myself that it’s okay I’m feeling [vulnerable/panicked/angry/sad] and just let myself sit with the feeling. I also: go for a run, go to yoga class, hang out with a friend, communicate to someone if they’re making me anxious. Which leads us to:

iii. Sometimes it’s okay to tell people directly how they affect you.

Last week, I sent this text: “The fact that you’re not texting me back is making me anxious.” To be clear, people don’t text me back all the time and it does not make me anxious, but in this particular situation I was worried that [the person in question] was mad at me. 20 minutes later, I received this response: “Oh, sorry, I’m not angry, I’m just really stressed about by [work thing].”

Five years ago Ava always wanted to tough everything out. “If I say this, I’ll come across as clingy or needy” drove so much of my communication. My life has improved a lot now that I accept that I am sometimes clingy and needy, as is everyone else. That’s okay.

It’s not anyone else’s job to quell our anxiety, but sometimes simple communication might quell your own.

iv. Math or magic?

I really like this email from someone I contacted about matchmaking:

I heard a good saying once- "when looking for a long term relationship, you want a life partner, not a prom date". Dating apps allow us to select for stereotypically ideal "prom date" attributes - conventionally attractive, highly extroverted, fun and lively on a first date at a bar. But for a long term relationship, less immediately apparent attributes are equally if not more important - kindness, consistency, self-awareness, easygoing-ness, intellectual curiosity, growth mindset, etc. And those are a lot tougher to judge based on a profile or a single date. I listened to a great This American Life episode about dating called "Math or Magic?" where people discussed whether love is a "when you know, you know" chemistry situation or if it's a pure numbers/criteria game. In many ways, modern dating apps give us too much of the math approach for our own good while simultaneously telling us to look for immediate magic. People might go on several first dates per week (math) while simultaneously assuming that unless there is an instant connection, there's no hope for a relationship (magic)... when in actuality we might have just needed to give it a few more dates.

I think the best way to meet people (for dating or friendship) is through short-duration, high-frequency interactions: walking out of class with someone each day, running into someone at a coffee shop or gym a few days a week, someone who works in the same building, etc. It takes the pressure off of a single interaction and allows people to slowly get to know one another. It's tough to digitally replicate that, but I think that your matchmaking service allows people to focus on quality of connection vs quantity. The right blend of math and magic :)

In the past couple of months, I’ve learned that “math or magic” is highly controversial. Some people can describe exactly what they want; others are way more open-minded. And everyone has a take on how open-minded you’re supposed to be. Turns out, “You know it when you see it” means vastly different things to different people. If you argue for chemistry, someone will tell you about their amazing sex life with their terrible ex-boyfriend. If you argue for rationality, someone will tell you about how they married the perfect-on-paper person whom they never truly connected with.

My catchphrase on this topic is “Ease can be exciting.” I think that with the right person, you can get both the butterflies and the calm, even though we’re told they can’t coexist. That, to me, is magic: the presence of both thrill and stillness. Sometimes you have to do some math to get there.

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Reading recommendations

1. Do you have an “one who got away?” If so, this Modern Love feature on lost love might kill you: