The Box, They Don’t Need
Part 2 of 4 Seeing Eternity and Living In the Light of It
“Examining my daily liturgy as a liturgy —as something that both revealed and shaped what I love and worship—allowed me to realize that my daily practices were malforming me, making me less alive, less human, less able to give and receive love throughout my day. Changing this ritual allowed me to form a new repetitive and contemplative habit that pointed me toward a different way of being-in-the-world.” Liturgy of the Ordinary: Sacred Practices in Everyday Life by Tish Harrison Warren
There are many books on setting up good habits with children for families that have more information than I could ever give in this one newsletter, so I wanted to share a pitfall that I’ve experienced with my own parents and in parenting my own children.
His name was Alva, he was one of my 8th grade boys from the first class I ever taught. My first memory of him was this:
When I first started teaching there were no such things as smart boards where at the click of a button I could change to the next slide. I could have used this, as I’m pretty sure many a thing went on as I had my back turned. At least for the first month of school. Nope. I had to write all my lesson notes on our board. As I did, I could sense something was happening behind me so I turned to look. All the other kids were scribbling their notes into their notebooks, but Alva. Nope, not him. He was about to shoot a spitball out of a straw at Yency. I just looked at him and laughed quietly so as not to disturb the rest of the class. But he knew with that one laugh and look I was saying, “aha, I got chu. It’s funny and all, but put it away and do your work.” That was it. I decided I had bigger issues. And if he put it away that’s all I needed him to do. And he did put it away and I never had problems with him after that.
He didn’t “look” the part of a good student. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he had the reputation of one of the troublemakers, but I told the kids when I first walked in, “I’m not going to hold whatever you did in the past against you. It’s a new year, so you get to start with a clean slate. In fact, everyday will be a clean slate. Let’s work out our issues everyday and tomorrow will be a new day.” I didn’t want to box them in and categorize them like others had done before me. I wanted them to experience the grace that I had experienced in Christ each day anew.
Going a lot further back into my memories. I remember as a teen there were obvious faults that I had. Things that I struggled with that were repeat offenses. Because of these repeat offenses, I would often hear from my parents say things like, “you’ll never finish what you start. If you start it finish it.” They, in particular, had piano lessons in mind. My piano teacher would put heavy aftershave on before each of our visits and at the end of lessons flirt with my mother unbeknownst to her. I didn’t like him very much because of that. And it was true, I didn’t finish many things that I started, but this became an anthem that they’d sing whenever I wanted to do something new.
Singing lessons?
“But you never finish what you start.”
“I’m thinking about writing a book.”
“Just make sure you finish what you start!”
I would fail even before I had begun. I love my parents and they loved me well, but I’m going to have to disagree with this one umma and abba (Korean for mom and dad). I was young and it was okay for me not to commit to everything I did. And I think it was pretty harsh, would you not agree? But I have to turn this on myself as a parent too.
Now, with my own children, I try my best not to box them in with low expectations because of what’s happened in the past. We, as parents, can take our own expectations or worldly expectations and/or judgement calls and box our children in them. When God’s way is steadfast and never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is His faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23), how can we then in turn treat our own children as if their actions pay such heavy consequences. Making it a habit to give grace, to say and live out everyday mercies, will allow our children the freedom to learn from their mistakes. It will give them the room to grow as God wants them to. It will allow the Holy Spirit to work out sanctification in their lives, rather than lead them into a wall of hopelessness. Hope for them, trust that God is working in them. They may be unable to stop bad habits, but God is the business of changing hearts and sanctifying.
The Young Box
I realized I was boxing in my youngest daughter who is now 9, into this category of my forever baby. She is definitely maturing and growing, but silly ole me, I kept giving her the smaller bowls, the smaller spoons, smaller portions. I would place shared dishes at the dinner table closer to the boys, because I used to place food directly on her plate all cut up. And even though she no longer needed her food to be chopped up long ago, I continued to place shared foods closer to the boys. Until one day it occurred to me, the message this was sending to her. Maybe that she’s less important. Maybe that she was still the same little girl she was years ago with no change or growth. So I’m finding that, especially as they grow into these different seasons, I need to make room for them to grow and I need to be ready to change with them. Do you box your children in these age categories? Please tell me, I am not alone.
The Body Box
Another way I have found myself boxing in my children is in the way I view the body. Let me explain. I found myself in a quandary one day when I had a discussion with my son about why he should care about his hygiene, or basically how he looks. I mean I didn’t want him to become vain (*humming Carly Simon’s, You’re so Vain), but I didn’t want him to look crazy either. Speaking of looking crazy he said to me, “what about John the Baptist?” (I can’t help but laugh when I think of this conversation.) I mean, he made a good point. I had to come up with a theological reason for good hygiene, but found that I couldn’t. Not that I didn’t understand that we are made in the image of Christ, that our bodies are a temple, that we should use our bodies in worship, but I was not living it out because I didn’t fully understand. I have to confess, I have lived in much shame over my body because of past trauma, but Christ is growing me and I understand a bit more.
And on the other end of the spectrum, I have my daughter who thankfully has grown up with a mantra of “but it doesn’t matter how you look on the outside, but it’s what is on the inside that counts.” I was thankful for this as there was once a time when she was really little where she would point at people who looked different from everyone else and comment unkindly. It took a lot of reading of books and careful conversations to teach her that we are all precious in God’s sight, so I’m thankful for where she is today. At the same time, I know of all the pressures the world can put on girls (and boys now also) about their looks. You are damned if your good looking, and damned if you are not. Throw in conversations about #metoo, #churchtoo, sexism, etc. and how complicated it gets! I’d love for her to be comfortable in her skin, not because she thinks she’s beautiful by worldly standards, but because she is made in God’s image. I want the same for my boys as well and also to be able to feel comfortable to appreciate the beauty of an attractive woman, but know that that is not all to a person. And I want all my children to care about their health and physique, not for that great gym selfie, but because God gave us bodies and we should take care of them to use them to worship in all we do. I realized that the way they view their bodies will affect them in their teens, but also in their marriage relationships if God blesses them in this way, and in how they view sex in their marriages or in a life of celibacy. Warren says in her book, Liturgy of the Ordinary:
“The biblical call to an embodied morality—to sexual purity, for instance, or moderation in food and drink—comes not out of a disdain for the body and its appetites, but out of the understanding that our bodies are central to our life in Christ. Our bodies and souls are inseparable, and therefore what we do with our bodies and what we do with our souls are always entwined.”
What if our children could view their bodies as unto the Lord? What are ways that we unknowingly encourage shame about the body? How does the Lord want us to view our bodies and how does He want us to disciple our children about their bodies? I’m thankful for Warren’s words and the chapter about the body entitled, Brushing Teeth: Standing, Kneeling, Bowing, and Living in a Body. She says, “It’s easy to look into the mirror and take stock of all that we feel is lacking or wrong about our bodies. Instead we must learn the habit of beholding our bodies as a gift, and learn to delight in the body God has made for us, that God loves, and that God will one day redeem and make whole.” (emphasis mine) And I agree, it’s not so much in the knowledge of how we should view our bodies, but in the practice of it.
I wish I had this theology of viewing my body as unto the Lord down, but I’m afraid that this is one of those areas where I’m going to have to grow together with my children. Because in all honesty, “the habit of beholding my body as a gift” is hard for me. Is it hard for you? I’m sure it is with many of us, but for our children’s sake, let’s work out our issues with the help of the Holy Spirit to guide us and His word to convict us because the contrary of viewing our bodies in any other way is just too exhausting, too sad, and too limiting. Let’s move out of this box, brothers and sisters, and live in the practice viewing our bodies in light of the Gospel in which Christ gave His life for us. What joy there is in living out the Gospel in everything, including our bodies.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21
Let’s not box in our God as well. One day, He will make all things new. Living in our bodies as unto the Lord and enjoying the freedom to use them to live and express praise to God is a practice as in a liturgy and a habit in which we will do for all eternity. Thank you, Lord for redeeming us this side of heaven to give us a glimpse of what is to come. Help us to live in this truth. Amen and amen.
Until next time, I’ll save a seat for you at the table.