6/8/23: Summer in Taiwan - Back to Blogging
volleyball, graduates, being too polite, buddhism x addiction
Listen to this episode's audio recording on Spotify:)
width="100%" height="152" frameBorder="0" allowfullscreen="" allow="autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; fullscreen; picture-in-picture" loading="lazy"></iframe>
Hello world!
ms. Melody Fang is back in Kaohsiung, Taiwan after moving to New York for two years.
It’s been a HOT MINUTE.
My first few days are quite overwhelming logistically (health insurance, doctor’s appointment, sim card, all that jazz) and emotionally. Thankfully, the cloudy-ness in my head from the jet lag make the days more bearable in slow-mo.
Reflection of my Spring 2023 semester — the End of Sophomore Year
I got a C- for my Intro to Java lecture
had a minor panic attack opening up this grade, but QA blessed my nerves with his buddhist wisdom (this was a very Steve move) on our way back from the mini Boston trip.
Tunneling into the new, challenging Economic theories.
Given the academic hardship (LOL) I encountered this semester, I’m not sure why I decided to major in Economics. My first major, Cognitive Science, was doing just fine on its own. I think I’ve never really had to study-study for neurobiology, psychology, or any classes related to the brain/mind/behavior. My intermediate microeconomics lecture professor specializes in the pure math behind game theory, so he taught microeconomics through calculus and some linear algebra. I was in a class where I had to apply math concepts I didn’t learn in Columbia’s Calc 1 to quantify the average human decision-making behavior. What the heck!
It was very difficult.
Tunneling into this challenge lessened my bandwidth for my other classes and commitments. I feel as if I drowned into my notebooks in Butler every morning this semester. But I think it was worth it! I enjoy the grind.
I’ve been told that I am not talented math-wise by my family. Even now, they ask me why I chose Economics. Part of me chose this major out of spite~ just kidding. I enjoy untangling the knot in my head and the flush of dopamine when a complicated calculation finally straightens out.
I’ve committed myself into the books. I miss learning outside of the classroom. My friend A is on a trip to South Africa this summer! My other friend A is on an exchange program in New Zealand as a teacher assistant! (I cannot be more excited for them.) I look back to the time my high school class travelled to Cambodia, Green Island, and Beidawu mountain. I don’t want to lose sight of how much I value learning outside the classroom. I imagine myself stretching from the mountain to the sea. like a blanket of fog.
Volleyball open gym.
I found a very chill group of friends in Open Rec VB~ Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays were my volleyball days. It felt good to know that there will always be people there during those hours. Open Rec at Dodge are our designated hangout times. #friendswhosweattogether.
before my final final exam, Fennie hosted a graduate cup. This is definitely a highlight of my college career. I will tell my kids about my love for volleyball (not the sport but the people) because of this fun group dedicated to playing better for each other.
cheers to more dinners & study sessions after a mandated volleyball grind in the blue gym!
I spent way too much time in the gym, but it gave me a lot of joy.
lots of pics:
Slacking with my club responsibilities
I hate not honoring my promises, but towards the end of the school year I majorly SLACKED on pretty much all of my club responsibilities. Did I slack because I don’t prioritize these commitments? and do I not prioritize these commitments because I don’t identify with the purpose of these responsibilities? Maybe.
Next year, I’m cutting down on my extracurricular commitments and focusing on actions that can help me gain experience, money, and connections. My time is precious. I also just want to keep creating for my own sake! Creating is important to me too.
Friends who graduated.
it’s a bit sad to see my senior/last-year master friends graduate, but it also feels heartwarming to know that I’ve made some really really close friends at college for me to feel sad. No worries. My friend A is moving about 10 blocks down from 119th St, so she’ll be closer to me. My friend F is moving to Queens. My friend S is staying for another year of masters! My other friend A is moving to Philly. and most people are not leaving the East Coast or the US.
The midpoint of my college career and thinking about my next and last two years at Barnard.
There are moments where I feel totally alive at Barnard and moments where I suffocate. To me, the people (not just the students) at Barnard exemplifies excellence through empowerment. It is absolutely a privilege and an honor to be able to be part of this movement. I don’t know how time flew by so fast; I wish I have the ability to do more and dive deeper into what I discovered at Barnard.
I’ve also had some insufferable moments at Barnard. Stress from procrastinating (that’s on me). Pressured about imposter’s syndrome. The main cause of my BLEH feeling for Barnard is the expectation to perform. I want to fit in a certain box: recruiting for banking/consulting, holding leadership positions on campus, being a research assistant somewhere. The dissonance explodes in my head when people at Barnard motivate you to create your own box but the human instinct for competition expects you to quickly fit into a conventional one.
Moving forward, I’ll keep finding more reasons why I chose to get educated and what motivates me to learn. Nevertheless, I think I should still strategize next moves in my career so I can at least survive on a stable salary.
You will see pics of amazing friends throughout this post! Not all amazing friends are featured <3
Recent Discoveries & Questions for the World
The Danger of being too polite in love — “love needs something riskier: we have to be able to say that we hate when we hate, so that later we can properly love when we love.”
I am a very passive “lover” in terms of romantic relationships. When I find someone cool, I don’t know how to tell them that I am attracted to them. I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable if that’s not what they want me to say, so I’d rather act as if nothing is on my mind. Until one day, it becomes too late for the deniable plausibility of my feelings to be deniable.
In a convo with my grandma and mom on the car yesterday, I realized why I am such a passive communicator in relationships. My grandma was accusing my dad’s family of something, but she doesn’t know the backstory as my mom and I do. I was going to fireback with the perfect rebuttal but I swallowed it. Over-commenting will damage the friendly surface of our relationship, so I changed a subject.
Growing up, I’ve picked up cues on what and when to say the least offensive words. I’ve always considered why others say their words or behave in certain ways. I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to “attack” or not be on the defensive team.
In my relationship with my sister, I think I’ve also adopted the defensive role. I have been swallowing my words and just letting steam blow off on its own.
In my past minor emotional entanglement, I’ve also kept some words in without expressing the realness of my discomfort.
I’m so glad I’m explicitly acknowledging that my passiveness has brought silent suffering onto myself (and in turn my relationships with others). Now, I’m not sure how to practice being less polite in love.
I’m not sure what to do. I think I’ll just keep living and remind myself that I once wrote this blog entry when my passiveness starts to come up again.
#vulnerability is strength.
the Age of Indulgence, a talk with Dr. Lembke (Anything Goes podcast by Emma Chamberlain)
Social media is drug-ified? This episode uncovers how social media platforms (like instagram and tiktok, on the top of my head) are designed to bank up user screen time by rewiring our dopamine-releasing circuits.
Gamification in healthcare, finance, education:
I had a call with the founder of Ostrich (a financial literacy/accountability app for college students) to share potential ways their team can market their product at Barnard/Columbia. William mentioned researchers at MIT studying the gamification of financial apps.
this got me thinking: does gamification apps really work?
I lost my 24 day streak on duo-lingo and forgot about the app for 2 days. I spent 1000 gems to save my streak… am I really learning French?
the startup I interned at last summer also looks to gamify their Fin-tech. Will it work?
my question: how much will these dopamine hits last until the Homo-digital’s brain decide this game no longer gives it pleasure?
Songs I enjoyed these past few days:
Dorothy recommended this the day someone from my childhood texted after having not communicated at all in the past year.
I was just telling my mom I’m not sure what I’ll ever do if I ever see this person in the future after a visit to our school that day.
and then this old friend of mine texted about 10 minutes after my convo with my mom. weird coincidence.
I don’t think about this person all the time, but sometimes little things will remind me of them. I’ll always ask myself what if things did progress further at that moment?
I think we both didn’t want things to progress because we were in different and new places. but who knows about the future? who ever knows about the future?
Dog Days are over — a classic.
Charli XCX - Boom Clap — another classic
This Boom Clap Radio on Spotify (for city-running in Kaohsiung with all lights at night)
Hooked on a Feeling — come onnnnn~
Buddhism, Neuroscience, and Addiction:
BigThink — What if you can rewire your brain to conquer suffering? Buddhism says you can
Visualization of Addiction: Nuggets
Addiction = Attachment
Recommends I got from my Instagram Story:
Books:
Rough Sleepers by Tracy Kidder
Trevor Noah’s memoir Born a crime (2 people recommended this)
When breath becomes air (read this 2 summers ago — it’s a one-sitting read)
In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado
A man called ove by Fredrick Backman (read this; didn’t like it - forgot why)
Norweigen Wood
Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese
Killer Angels by Michael Shaadra (my friend said it’s an “enjoyable, cryable ‘history’ historical fiction” ?)
All about Love by Bell Hooks
Algorithms to Live By (CS based behavioral science book)
the Psychology of Money
the laws of Human Nature
Shows:
Beef (watched it; loved it — even William from high school said it’s the best show, so you should definitely watch it)
Prison Break
Dexter
Scandal
Dopesick
Anime
To your Eternity
Fullmetal Alchemist
Horimiya (2 people recommended this; tried it, it was kind of boring for me)
86 (watched like 5 episodes with my friend A; it gets addicting)
Sonny Boy
Podcasts:
Revolutions
Happiness Lab (listened to a couple of episodes — much like the podcasts I usually listen to!)
The Sporkful (i listened to a random episode — liked it, but I want to listen more before I say more)
More beautiful pics:
that’s it so far! Thank you for reading all of this. I hope you are breathing, eating, and sleeping well at wherever you are in the world now.
I’ll be moving to Taipei for my internship in a bit, and I will keep this blog alive. Happy Summer!
Toodles. xoxo