beginning … again
The “what-ifs” are always endless. But they are predictable, foreseen, expected and hence not so piercing. But no, that’s the leftover… the aftereffects of ending. To begin is another story.
“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep.” (Genesis 1: 1-2). Each time I had craved for a blank slate, I have imagined a white blank paper. The appeal of a chance to create exactly what I want without the interruptions of what is in the past is at times unparalleled. An opportunity where I build exactly what I want out of nothingness. Words fail me as I try to ask this question. But nothingness is not a blank slate, is it? Was I immature in maintaining that equivalence? I’m sure Augustine has something to say about this, or perhaps Tim Mackie?
“Without form and void,” is quite different from a blank slate where I build exactly what I want. A Target 5 minutes away, a couple of friends to bike to down the road, a couple of workout buddies to walk with, a bible study to take the bus to, a church that ticks all my boxes(which I don’t even know what they are) and voila I can imagine myself standing on elevated ground, grinning as I look over what I have created at the wave of my hand. But in the beginning, there is no form to start on, just void. In the beginning, one cannot find any type of store to buy hangers from. In the beginning, every single conversation one has is slightly flat, even awkward. In the beginning, the quietness is loud.
But it doesn’t stay that way. Perhaps, that’s why it’s impossible for me to believe that God doesn’t exist. Things take shape; they figure themselves out. Chaos doesn’t continue. Instead, you suddenly realize there is a pattern of elements in your life that make you whole that formed out of weird moments that suddenly happened and kept on happening. When you’re sad you can’t go to the fountain that was behind your apartment. Now, you just go to the local public library and sit under the $2 bookshelf reading children’s books – next time it happens, you do that again. You’re no longer perfectly late to bible study because you promised your terribly punctual new friend you will be ready to leave for bible study at exactly 5:50 PM; ah, you have to do that next week too because why not — don’t you want to find out why the book of Esther doesn’t mention God?
Moving sucks! There is really no way one can master moving and beginning again. Yes, the chaos does not continue but from time to time it resurfaces as the elements that took form lose grip due to young roots. Regardless, one must persist.