How to Win and Influence People
We all have this desire to feel special, so how can we leverage it to build our relationships and win people? Lets see what books are saying...
This is the second part of the “How to Deal with People” series, this part is based mostly on Dale Carienge’s book “Win Friends And Influence People”, but it also takes some ideas from “Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck“ — by Mark Manson, and 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People — by Stephen R. Covey.
Read the first part here if you are interested. Now, let’s dive in…
We all like to feel special and important. It’s a desire in almost all humans. So, if you manage to make someone genuinely feel special and appreciated, they will give you back love, loyalty, friendship, and anything you like to see from them.
The Things We Do to Feel Special
Talk to someone about themselves, and they'll listen for hours.
Some people can become extremely fixated on the desire to be special. In his book, Mark Manson provides a real-life example from his own experiences (which many of us have likely encountered as well), where individuals believe they are always right and can never be wrong.
These are the types of people who attempt to convince themselves that they are unique in order to fill the significant void within them, driven by the desire to be noticed, heard, and feel important.
In today's world, we frequently witness this phenomenon on social media, where those known as influencers constantly flaunt their lavish lifestyles. This behavior also stems from a deep yearning to be seen and heard. However, all of these examples represent the extremes of fulfilling this desire.
There are less extreme instances, such as one from my own life. I genuinely feel happy when someone at work acknowledges the effort I've put in. I appreciate the company I work for because I feel valued and recognized for my contributions. I've noticed that I am more motivated to do quality work and invest more effort because I no longer feel that my efforts go unnoticed.
Therefore, it is gratifying to continue putting in more effort to advance professionally because it yields results. I'm certain that many of you also experience the same satisfaction at work when you receive recognition and appreciation.
Win People By Making Them Feel Special
Every person you meet has a deep-seated desire to feel important and appreciated. Recognizing this desire and fulfilling it is the key to winning people over. — Dale Carnegie
There are numerous ways that we can employ to make people feel welcomed, special, important, recognized, and heard. The best of these ways that are mentioned in Carnegie’s book are the following:
Appreciation and Sincere Praise
Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise. — Dale Carnegie
Sincere Appreciation: Carnegie emphasizes that people have a fundamental need to feel valued and appreciated. When you sincerely appreciate someone's actions, qualities, or efforts, it can have a profound impact on their self-esteem and overall well-being.
By being sincere in your appreciation, you show that you genuinely care about and respect the other person.
Generous Praise: Carnegie encourages readers to go beyond insignificant acknowledgment and offer generous praise when appropriate. This doesn't mean insincere flattery, but rather an earnest and enthusiastic recognition of the person's positive attributes or accomplishments.
When you praise someone generously, it can boost their self-confidence and motivate them to continue their positive behavior.
Building Strong Relationships: Expressing appreciation and praise is a fundamental aspect of building and maintaining strong, lasting relationships.
People naturally get attracted towards those who make them feel appreciated and valued. By following this principle, you can attract more friends and allies.
Effective Leadership: In professional and leadership contexts, Carnegie's advice is particularly relevant. Effective leaders understand the power of appreciation and use it to motivate their teams.
When employees feel appreciated for their hard work, they are more likely to be engaged, productive, and loyal.
How to Take Care of People Around You
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you. — Dale Carnegie
Carnegie argues with proof that the most important person to anyone is themselves.
This is hard to swallow pill because most of us don’t want to feel selfish. But, he gives a small example about this: “If your tooth hurts, and there’s a massacre happening in China with thousands of people dying, at that moment, you’ll care to get your tooth fixed and stop the pain, more than you care about the thousand people dying.”
If we are true to ourselves, it’s easy to see that we put ourselves first, and then comes anyone else, however important they are to us. The only exception to this rule is perhaps mothers, their instincts make them put their children first.
So, if everyone perceives themselves as number one on their list, then that’s a good point to play on to win people. In the upcoming sections, I will discuss some ideas based on Dale Carnegie’s book, imposing some examples I tried myself.
Prioritize them
Prioritizing doesn’t have to mean that you go out of your way to do things for others all the time and put yourself last all the time.
You should prioritize the person you are trying to establish a good connection with over your personal desires.
For example, there was a time when a friend, not particularly close to me, called, and her voice sounded unusual. I asked if she was okay, to which she weakly replied "Yes."
Despite feeling tired after a long day of work and not considering her of great importance, I suggested meeting for coffee or something. Instantly, her spirits lifted, and she agreed. It seemed like she needed someone to talk to. When we met, I simply listened, showing genuine interest and a desire to understand. She started discussing a challenging situation she was facing and her feelings about it. When she finished, she thanked me sincerely for being there, and she appeared comforted by the care and genuine listening.
But what about our work colleagues? Can we prioritize them as well? I believe we can. You can do this by allocating time to assist junior employees who are new to the company, helping them acclimate to their surroundings, or simply inviting them for coffee or tea to ease their initial transition.
In my first year as a junior engineer in a large company, fresh out of university with limited industry experience, a team member went out of their way to help me feel welcomed and prevent me from feeling like a complete stranger. They were exceptionally supportive during meetings, explained things to me, guided me to meeting rooms since I was unfamiliar with the office layout, and made me feel comfortable. Being in the same room with them always felt reassuring.
We all have moments when we need to be lifted up, heard, and prioritized. So why not strive to be the person who extends a helping hand and prioritizes others as you wish someone had done for you?
Keep an eye on the details
I had a conflict with my husband when I attempted to tidy up the room quietly while he was working. He became angry when I moved something near him because he was in complete focus mode, and I interrupted him. I felt angry and offended for a while because it seemed to me that I was just trying to help improve and tidy up our surroundings. However, if I had paid closer attention to the details, I would have realized that he got interrupted and exited focus mode quickly. I could have completely avoided this by tidying things up later when he finished working.
There are ways Dale Carnegie has crafted beautifully in his book on the importance of keeping an eye on the details and how to do that:
Showing Empathy: Understanding the details of someone's situation, challenges, or goals allows you to empathize with them. In a professional relationship, empathy is a powerful tool for building trust and rapport.
When colleagues or clients feel that you genuinely understand and care about their concerns, they are more likely to trust your judgment and expertise.
Building Trust: Trust is at the core of all relationships, whether personal or professional. Paying attention to the details of people's lives and concerns demonstrates your commitment to understanding them.
This, in turn, builds trust and strengthens the bonds you share.
Personalized Interactions: Just as in professional relationships, recognizing individual preferences, likes, and dislikes is vital in personal connections. Tailoring your interactions to suit someone's unique tastes and needs can lead to stronger personal bonds.
Whether it's remembering a friend's favorite hobbies or a colleague's preferred communication style, these small details matter.
Conflict Resolution: In both personal and professional life, conflicts are inevitable. The ability to understand the intricacies of a disagreement, the underlying issues, and the emotions involved is key to finding mutually satisfying resolutions.
Paying attention to these details can help prevent arguments from escalating and lead to more effective conflict resolution.
In essence, Dale Carnegie's wisdom regarding the importance of keeping an eye on the details transcends personal and professional boundaries. It underscores the significance of understanding and valuing the particulars of people's needs, concerns, and preferences.
Understand them
To genuinely understand anyone and to be able to put yourself in their shoes, all you need to do is listen.
To build a truly meaningful relationship with anyone, all you need to do is understand them. You must grasp their likes and dislikes, understand how they express themselves best, and recognize the most suitable times for them to open up.
Being a proficient communicator is essential, and to achieve that, all you have to do is listen attentively.
There are various strategies to listen attentively with mindfulness to what the person you're conversing with is conveying. It's not just about sitting in complete silence; you can ask clarifying questions (without excessive interruptions), and adopt body language that demonstrates your interest (numerous online resources can guide you, but the simplest involves maintaining eye contact and being mindful of your body language.)
Ultimately, the person you're engaged with should feel that they've had the opportunity to express everything they wanted to share.
Don’t Expect Immediate Results
Change doesn't happen all of a sudden. You may have read great articles or books on relationship building or self-improvement before, but you haven't witnessed any tangible change, despite being aware of specific problem(s).
In the book "7 Habits Of Highly Effective People," Covey discusses the importance of adopting a proactive approach to personal development and not expecting immediate or dramatic changes in behavior or results. He suggests that genuine change often takes place incrementally, demanding consistent effort, practice, and the gradual implementation of the seven habits over time. These habits serve as a strategic framework for enhancing one's effectiveness and achieving long-term, sustainable change.
Key takeaways from his theory include:
Real and profound change requires time: just as you don't reap the fruits of your labor the same day you plant the seeds. It may take years to see real, tangible results.
You need a change plan: it's not effective to simply hear or read advice, think it's great, and then expect to embrace it all at once. You need a plan that involves regularly assessing your progress in specific areas you want to change.
For instance, set milestones such as "I will show appreciation to two people this week," document the situations in which you did this, and then gradually increase the number of people. Alternatively, monitor the instances when you've criticized people, analyze the reasons behind them, and contemplate how you could have handled the situation differently while journaling your thoughts.
Practice and take action: Actively practicing and stepping out of your comfort zone while making a conscious effort to do something (e.g., showing appreciation to people) or refraining from something (e.g., refraining from criticizing people) is the path to genuine change.
I am trying to deploy this theory to practice being a consistent writer and building an audience for my newsletter. Have you tried this theory before? when? — reply to me in comments or via email. Your thoughts are always welcome!
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