Horse Secrets
Ah, horses. Our majestic neighbors to the north. There’s something truly mysterious about looking into the eyes of a horse, isn’t there? What sort of secrets reside inside their dark, horsey souls? Wonder no longer. As an exclusive, we present the deepest secrets of some of the world’s most private horses.
This horse goes by Stefan. But secretly, his real name is Russell. Shhhh!
This horse secretly agrees with some of the more extreme libertarian politics of Senator Rand Paul. Don’t tell the other horses!
Claims to really believe in ‘radical honesty,’ but knows deep down that he’s just being a jerk. He continues to be a jerk anyway because he enjoys being a jerk. This is a jerk horse.
Won’t admit this to anyone, but secretly wishes she were a pegasus. Doesn’t fuck with unicorns, though. That ‘horn on the middle of the head’ shit is creepy.
Once collected donations for a charity horse–a-thon she had no intention of horsing in. The worst part? The charity was to raise money for research to cure HAIDS (horse AIDS)! Pretty bad, huh?
Despite coming from conservative families, these two horses frequent swingers clubs together. Spurlock is really into it, but Griddlecakes is going along just to save the relationship.
These two have a habit of intentionally farting in carriage riders’ faces. They could totally hold it in if they wanted to, but they kind of get off on the rudeness of it. Fuck those carriage riders, you know? You get out here and pull for a while, ya rich assholes!
Only tips when the barista is looking.
Secretly sang the lead vocals on the Proclaimers’ 1988 recording “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles).” Amazingly, they avoided a messy ‘Milli Vanilli’ style public reckoning. Great song, though.
Doesn’t know what the word ‘equine‘ means. And honestly? Doesn’t want to know.
Ugh. Look at that entrance. She does this every time there’s an audience. Total drama queen. Anyway, this horse doesn’t really have any deep dark secrets, but we totally hate her, don’t we? She’s the worst!
Haven’t spoken directly to each other in two years despite having one of the most successful magic acts in Reno, Nevada history. Lenny (foreground) doesn’t even remember what the original fight was about and Muffintop (background) isn’t about to tell him!
Won’t shut the fuck up about cryptocurrency. We get it, dude. It’s all on the blockchain or some shit.
These two beauties try to act all laid back when they’re watching TV together, but they secretly judge each other’s Netflix queues with a level of vitriol usually reserved for war criminals. “No, you pick tonight. I don’t mind!” They mind. They definitely mind.
Ironically enough? Addicted to horse.
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend! And feel free to email brendan@brendanboogie.com if you have any requests or questions for his advice column Dear Boogie!