Inside You There Are Two Walruses
Welcome to my dojo. You sought me out because you are lost. Yearning. Itchy with a spiritual burning sensation that even the creamiest of lotions cannot salve. Well, come pop a squat under the learning tree and have your freakin’ mind blown! As with most things, we must begin and the beginning.
Lesson #1: Inside you there are two walruses.
Walrus One is a large walrus. As you can see, ‘large walrus’ is a bit of an understatement. Even by walrus standards, Walrus One has really let himself go. It is not just genetics either. If walruses went to therapy, Walrus One would probably be diagnosed with some sort of impulse control disorder. But this is moot because Walrus One would never go to therapy. Sure - maybe he would try it once or twice to appease his spouse, but he would immediately find some excuse to stop attending sessions once things got a little challenging. “Therapy doesn’t work for me,” he would mumble as he stuffed his walrus maw full of deep fried clam shavings he found in the dumpster of Shaky Pete’s Seafood and Massage Shack.
Walrus One is lost. He used to care about things in his younger days. Believe it or not, he had many walrus friends back in walrus school. In his yearbook, he was voted ‘Most Likely to GRAAARRL’ which doesn’t really have a one-to-one translation into English. But it is mostly positive. Walrus One was fully engaged in walrus life back then. But slowly, over time, the will to walrus sort of oozed out of him. Now, he doesn’t so much live as exist, a shadow of his former walrus-y self.
Pretty depressing, huh? But remember - there is a second walrus inside of you.
Walrus Two is also pretty fat. Comparatively, he is slightly less fat than Walrus One, but not significantly so. If you put Walrus One and Walrus Two next to each other, you’d be hard pressed to determine which one was in worse cardiovascular shape. In fact, you probably couldn’t tell them apart at all unless you were some sort of weirdo obsessive walrus expert or something. But Walrus Two has one key difference…
Walrus Two knows karate. And not just ‘I took a few classes when I was in middle school’ type of karate. Walrus Two is a serious karate master. He has dedicated his life to the arts of shotokan, goju-ryu, and even a few krav maga moves. By now, Walrus Two would have earned at least a brown belt if they made karate belts big enough to fit around walruses.
Walrus Two has a bit of a chip on his shoulder. Actually, let’s call it what it is: Walrus Two has an anger control issue. He spends most Saturdays hanging out in Circle K parking lots, getting jazzed up on energy drinks and waiting for local emo teens to look at him the wrong way. No one really knows why Walrus Two is so aggressive, but he is especially sensitive about the subject of the Franco-Prussian War. Don’t even try to have a nuanced discussion about the political or socio-economic forces of 19th century eastern Europe. You’ll get a vicious fin in the face but quick!
“But wait,” you may be asking yourself. “I have two walruses inside me and they are both assholes? That’s not good, right?”
Ah ha! There is a THIRD walrus inside you! Swerve!
This walrus is named Marge Tarkington. She is the treasurer of the local Murder She Wrote Appreciation Society. At the monthly meetings, Marge tends to try the patience of her fellow Jessica Fletcher lovers by diving deep into the forensic inaccuracies of the cases. She does it out of love, but her fellow members wish she would just shut up and enjoy the show. It was made in the 80’s! Television writers weren’t expected to deliver high quality storytelling. The charm of the show is in its simplicity and - some say - cheesiness. But don’t try to tell that to Marge Tarkington. She doesn’t differentiate between high and low art, analyzing Murder She Wrote with the same critical eye she might employ for The Sopranos or The Wire. It is a bit annoying, but hey - that’s Marge!
So that’s it. You have three walruses inside you: an overeating quitter, a hopped-up aggressive karate fighter, and an overzealous Angela Lansbury enthusiast. On the surface, this might seem like a weird combination, but it actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it, doesn’t it?
What the hell - let’s throw a fourth walrus in there, huh?
Walrus 4 was kicked out of the University of Tennessee for being the mastermind of an elaborate water polo point shaving operation. Since then, he has mostly dedicated his life to crowd surfing at the opera. Once, he thought he met John Oates at a wedding, but it turned out it was the bride’s uncle Jeff. In four years, he will be elected to the Ohio state legislature due to a hilarious case of mistaken identity. Then, he will die of syphilis.
Four walruses. Inside you. But In the end, the ultimate question is: which walrus wins? Is it the one you feed? Is it the one with the QAnon contacts who post crazy shit about the other walruses on the internet? Or is it all just a chaotic dance for all eternity, never to be won by any walrus?
I am afraid I cannot tell you that, my young student. For there is actually a fifth walrus… and he has a gun to my head! Get help! Tell my wife I…. [dial tone]
Boogie Writes is a completely independent endeavor by one hard-working funnyman trying to make his way in the world today (which takes everything you’ve got.) If you like what you read, please subscribe, support, and tell a friend!