Nightmare on Milpas Street: Trump's Little Red Book
I want a Little Red Book, like Mao’s, only, of course, many times better.
Never doom scroll before bed. Listen instead to soothing hang drums with nature sounds. Or listen to Gregorian chants at a calming 432Hz. But for the love of all that is sane and holy, don’t dive deep into politics before sleep. Nightmares will follow! Like the one I’m about to share with you.
It’s the day after the 2024 election. Joe Biden has called Donald Trump and conceded. Half the nation is in shock, and the streets of New York City, Los Angeles, Boston, and Chicago are as deserted as they were at the height of the Covid pandemic. But in Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Texas and South Carolina, the streets are jammed with armed Trump supporters. Outside of Mar-A-Lago a crowd estimated at 50,000 (disclaimer: this estimate was provided by the Trump campaign; a spokesperson for the West Palm Beach police department estimated the crowd at 500) has gathered, a river of red hats and blue Trump 2024 flags. While the mood is festive, like opening day at the Neshoba County Fair, there’s a distinctly retributive edge. Scattered gunshots can be heard. A group of men wearing black hoods and calling themselves Hangmen for Trump are busy erecting a gallows. The West Palm Beach police stand by, doing nothing. A chant begins in the crowd, and before long it has been taken up by hundreds “Hang Jooooooeeee Bideeennn, Hang Jaaaaack Smiiiith, Hang Taaanyaaa Chuutkaaan.” Like a partisan crowd at a World Cup match, the chants roll and rumble across Mar-A-Lago, gathering volume.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump is in his New York City campaign headquarters, taking congratulatory calls from Vladimir Putin, Viktor Orban, Narendra Modi, and Xi Jinping. Toward the end of the call with Xi the Chinese ruler says something that piques Trump’s interest. After taking to Truth Social and demanding that Joe Biden immediately vacate the White House, and that Jack Smith and Letitia James be deported, Trump calls for a meeting with key members of his political team.
Once Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, Alina Habba, Michael Flynn, Jeffrey Clark, Boris Epshteyn and Jared Kushner are assembled, Trump tells them that he wants a Little Red Book, like Mao’s, only, of course, many times better. It will be full of my great and wise sayings, Trump says, and on the day of my inauguration, which will naturally draw the largest crowd ever assembled in Washington D.C., a crowd the likes of which no one has ever seen before, I will decree that every American read and memorize and probably be tested on it every year.
After Trump leaves the room the braintrust begins spitballing ideas, with the unkept and grizzled and obviously hungover Bannon scribbling furiously on a white board. Thirty minutes later they have a concept for a pocket-sized book, laid out like a Marvel comic, with stylized illustrations of Trump in various dramatic poses, muscles rippling and hair shining like new gold, a combination of Adonis, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great and Captain America. All-powerful, all-knowing, all-conquering.
Bannon, who believes that all Americans operate at the tepid IQ of Trump’s most loyal followers, suggests one illustration and one saying on each page. Keep it simple. High impact. Memorable. When no one steps forward, Stephen Miller volunteers to wordsmith the text.
Apropos of nothing at all, Alina Habba goes off on a tangent about New York state judge Arthur Engoron and demands that she be authorized to torture Engoron with a cattle prod, preferably in one of the CIA’s fully-equipped dungeons. Stephen Miller likes the idea.
Jared Kushner wanders to a corner of the room and calls his pal Mohammed bin Salman and enthuses about the Little Red Book concept and wonders how he and MBS might set up a grift and make some coin off it. Think of the volume! 350 million citizens. We can provide free copies to the wealthy, anyone with a decent net worth, say $10 million as a placeholder, and make everyone else pay for a copy. It’s like a Loyalty Tax or a tribute to the new ruler. Near the end of the conversation MBS offers to help make Jack Smith and other pesky prosecutors vanish. I have experience in this area, MBS tells Kushner with a wry chuckle. Kushner says he’s intrigued and will discuss it with the president.
Michael Flynn and Boris Epshteyn get into an argument about the best way to prove loyalty to Trump. Epshteyn claims that Trump has promised that he, Epshteyn, will head the new federal Loyalty Tribunal, with broad powers to root out dissenters and critics. Flynn intimates that Trump will appoint him Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “And when he does,” says Flynn, “all citizens will swear allegiance to President Trump, in blood! This is Job One, and if it must come at the business end of a bayonet, so be it.”
Not wanting to be left out, Jeffrey Clark, who fears that his compatriots see him as unwanted baggage in this endeavor, says he’s ready and able to assume the office of Attorney General of the United States. Rubbing his hands with glee he says, “I will eviscerate Joe and Hunter Biden!”
“People,” barks Bannon, “let’s focus on the Little Red Book.”
Ignoring Bannon, Kushner says he’s one-hundred-percent assured of being installed as the next Secretary of State. “After all, I’m the guy who read twenty-five books on the subject and brought peace to the Middle East.”
“Well, that’s really nice and all and I’m happy for you,” says Habba, “but the president has promised to nominate me to the Supreme Court.”
“Jesus Christ,” Bannon whispers to Stephen Miller, “no wonder we’re known as the gang that can’t shoot straight. Can you imagine that dingbat on the SC!” A look of fear on his face, Miller tells Bannon he’s no longer allowed to say things like that, not even as a joke. STFU!
“Listen up,” Bannon says. “It’s time to regroup and see what we’ve got. And stay on topic, my God! Here we go!
DRAFT - TRUMP’S LITTLE RED BOOK
Page 1 - Illustration: Trump as Roman gladiator, with sword and shield. Text: I am your retribution.
Page 2 - Illustration: A giant Trump at the border wall holding a dark-skinned migrant in his all-powerful fist. Text: I built the wall and made Mexico pay for it!
Page 3 - Illustration: A giant Trump bending a massive wind turbine in two with his bare hands. (Go for a full MAGA Captain America/Superman vibe.) Text: Everybody knows that windmills cause cancer and kill whales.
Page 4 - Illustration: Trump stradling Mount Rushmore. (Focus on Trump’s size in relation to the other figures; obviously, Trump is bigger!) Text: Trump is the greatest president in American history, far greater, stronger, tougher and more manly than George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, combined.
Page 5 - Illustration: TBD (tough one) Text: It was a perfect call, so perfect, completely perfect and everyone knows it.
Page 6 - Illustration: Trump (think Moses), holding stone or possibly solid gold tablet. Text: Many people say that Trump is the most ethical president in American history because he never does anything wrong!
Page 7 - Illustration: Trump holding a Bible aloft in front of the main entrance to Hell. (Make sure the Bible is rightside up.) Text: I am the light in the darkness, the maker and giver of truth, the sole judge of right and wrong.
Page 8 - Illustration: Trump, forearm muscles rippling like steel cables, tearing the New York Times (The paper should look thick. Think SUNDAY edition!) to shreds. Text: The press is the enemy of the people.
Page 9 - Illustration: Trump preening before a gilt-edged, floor-to-ceiling mirror, admiring his hair. Text: My hair is so beautiful, big, beautiful hair, the greatest hair anyone has ever seen.
Page 10 - Illustration: Donald drinking a pint glass of bleach, down to the last drop. (One swallow, like a real man). Text: Drink Bleach, cure Covid, pure stable genius.
Page 11 - Illustration: Trump in Smokey-the-Bear ranger’s hat with a smoldering forest behind him. Text: The only way the liberals and Marxists in California can stop their state from burning is to rake the forests! Problem solved! Rake your forests, Governor Newsom!
Page 12 - Illustration: Trump in front of Mar-A-Lago, holding a deed in hand. (Go for Joseph Smith-like certainty and zeal.) Text: Mar-A-Lago is priceless! No one can value it except me!
Page 13 - Illustration: Trump, steely-eyed, staring straight ahead. (Think about his Georgia mugshot, but maybe not so deranged looking?) Text: I alone can fix it.