The Scene: Joe Biden (JB) sits in the Oval Office contemplating his duty and obligation to meet with Mike Johnson, the new Speaker of the House. For some reason he can’t identify, the prospect unsettles him as much as anything he’s experienced in a half century of public service. He’s confident of his ability to act presidential and convey the necessary respect and appreciation for constitutional norms. After all, how many hundreds of times has he made pleasant but cautious chit-chat for half an hour? How many times has he extended an olive branch to a political opponent? How bad can it be to meet with a man who looks like a constipated CPA?
All Joe Biden knew about Mike Johnson before he ascended to the Speakership was that he represented a Louisiana district and hated Democrats. They’d never been near enough to shake hands, which isn’t unusual because with the exception of the Speaker and a few members of the leadership, a President has less opportunity to interact with rank and file members of Congress. For this reason, the White House staff (WHS) prepared a fifty-six page report and will now brief President Biden.
JB: Can you folks believe the GOP? Maybe now more Americans will understand what I have to deal with, Barnum & Bailey every day of the week, even Sundays when they’re supposed to be in church and all-day Bible Study.
WHS: Mr. President, as requested by the Chief of Staff, we prepared a file on Speaker Johnson, including his family and early education, church affiliation, higher education and professional career prior to his election to Congress. A summary of press clippings is included in Appendix A. We also spoke to a source close to Mr. Johnson, who introduced us to several people who went to junior high school with him.
JB: Why would someone do that? Nevermind, we might as well start there. Oh, by the way, is it true Johnson believes that Noah managed to coax a pair of T-Rex’s into the ark?
WHS: (Stifling a giggle) Ah, yes sir, he apparently also believes the earth is only six-thousand years old.
JB: (Shaking his head) And people complained about Strom Thurmond! That man was many things, but one thing he was not was crazy. Ukraine. The Middle East. Donald f’ing Trump. (Pauses, raises eyes to the ceiling) Does he ever shut up? My God! Crisis after crisis and I must spend time with a man who believes there were dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark! That’s why this is the toughest job in the world.
WHS: Very true, sir. Shall we proceed? (Waits for a nod from the president) Mr. Johnson’s classmates remember him quite well, and some remain in contact with him, mostly through Christmas cards. Most spoke freely about their experiences, although all of them refused to be quoted or identified. They seemed eager to talk but fearful of retribution.
JB: Give me the gist.
WHS: The most consistent descriptions of the Speaker included terms like “Obnoxiously self- righteous,” followed by “rigid and calculating” followed by “severe and unforgiving and often cruel, but in a subtle way.” One interviewee stated that it was easier to imagine Johnson in a Waffen-SS uniform than a tank top and cargo shorts, with a joint hanging from his mouth and a can of Bud Light in his hand. But to be fair, someone also commented that Mr. Johnson is by far the most pious man they have ever known, and that above all, he is a Christian. It’s as a result of his faith that he’s also a wonderful husband and adoring father, and of course a proud American.
JB: Lovely. Continue.
WHS: Legislatively, Johnson has the reputation of being very pleasant, but in the trenches shows little concern for people who don’t share his Christian worldview. Relentless, often fanatical, in pursuit of lawsuits and legal challenges to laws that offend his Christian sensibility. As far as can be determined to the minute, Speaker Johnson seems to view the world as a battle between true Christians and heathens, and as a result, is absolutely hostile to any separation between church and state.
JB: (Skimming his file, frowning, then tapping his finger on the page) Full of Christian humility, isn’t he? Where do Republicans find these people? Don’t they understand that nothing productive comes from extremism? America was erected on a foundation of compromise! This paragraph is going to grab the First Lady’s attention. Why do we think Johnson doesn’t care much for women, even though he claims to be pro-family? How does that work?
WHS: His basic sentiments about women track with his overt Christian nationalism, sir. Basically, it’s not the place of women to compete with men or to make disparaging remarks about the size of their penis’s. In a 2017 article in Lawfare for Christian Warriors, Mr. Johnson wrote, verbatim quote, that it is ungodly for women to compare men’s johnsons. Later that same year the Speaker wrote an op-ed for The Conquering Christian in which he claimed that the Bible unequivocally states that the missionary position is the only biblically sanctioned sexual position.
JB: (Rubbing his eyes) How long do I need to speak with this guy?
WHS: Minimum half-hour, sir. Short photo op and press conference afterwards, the usual remarks about looking forward to working together on behalf of the American people in a spirit of bipartisan comity.
JB: (Cackles, shakes his head and reaches for his Ray-Bans) OK, let me summarize. Speaker Johnson is a Christian nationalist, anti-abortion, election denier, with no regard for women and complete solidarity with Trump. He believes dinosaurs and people existed on earth at the same time. He believes in a mythic America where white men ruled absolutely, and women, Blacks, Chinese, Mexicans, Poles, Slavs, Italians, Jews and homosexuals knew their place in the social pecking order and didn’t dare step out of line. He believes the Bible expresses the inerrant word of God, which justifies for all time that men of the white race shall be sovereign over all the inhabitants of God’s earthly kingdom. Is that about right?
WHS: Yes sir, on the mark.
JB: (After a pause) What do you say we spice things up and send Vice President Harris instead of me? Imagine the look on Johnson’s face when Kamala steps into the room! Oh, Jesus me, an intelligent woman of color is probably the stuff of his worst nightmares. (Laughing into his fist) Tell me that wouldn’t make for one helluva photograph!
WHS: It’s an intriguing idea, sir, absolutely, and would be hysterically funny, but politically, the optics wouldn’t be good.
JB: I know. It was a Hail Mary.