I’d like to offer an introduction and a brief Gender-Critical coming-out manifesto here on Substack. December 19 is the day. This is a post from a note I wrote yesterday. I’ll be posting more - on culture, civility, feminism (and what role men can and should play in it), and other issues, but for now, I’m gong to leave this here. Take this post for what it’s worth - a story of personal experience that I hope may have some relevance for someone. I’m not a professional writer or an academic.
I'm a man, traditionally defined. Biologically male, predominantly heterosexually attracted, but not completely without some same-sex attraction. I suppose I loosely embody the dictionary definition of a bisexual man, although my exploring has been done, I'm relationship-oriented, and I'm unlikely to pursue a relationship with a man. I'm 57 years old.
When I was young, I misidentified as gay. I had a childhood history of sexual abuse by a family member, as well as physical and emotional abuse by my parents. I was a classic abused kid - a bed-wetter, often acting out, a smart kid who was hyper and unfocused, a discipline case at school. I was sexually confused as soon as I was aware of any sexual feelings at all. I really had no idea who I was.
I ran afoul of my parents as an adolescent for my gender-bending new-wave fashion sense and for what appeared to be emerging as an ambiguous sexuality. I left their home shortly after high school after being confronted about it. I fell into a series of sugar-daddy/boy-toy relationships and sporadic street prostitution. I developed a serious alcohol addiction and I'm intimately familiar with a laundry-list of other drugs. I've used plenty of them. (I'm in recovery today.)
I had been affirmed in my adopted gay identity by half of the people around me - condemned for it by the other half. Looking back, I didn't even matter - I was grist for the mill of a cultural brawl between two absolutist ideological camps - homophobes and those who were gung-ho to affirm gayness - and validate themselves - at any cost, whether it was real or not. Bisexuality wasn't one of the options, and nobody on any side ever considered the co-occurring conditions of childhood sexual abuse and mental health issues. Nobody ever asked any real questions about how and what I was feeling - not without an implied agenda. What was intended as support really amounted to a lot of coaching.
There were incidents of exploitation and abuse by people in recovery programs - my first AA sponsor, twice my age, drew me into a predatory sexual relationship - a "13th step" - look it up if you must. Counselors and other helping professionals simply assumed my gayness. This was all in my late teens and early twenties. I attempted suicide at twenty-three.
Sound familiar?
The current trans phenomenon - and "affirming pediatric gender care" - are horrifying to me. I hang on every story told by a detransitioner - because I absolutely would have been one, had the trans phenomenon been a thing when I was young. My models of masculinity growing up had been utterly dysfunctional. I had actually said, many times, "if that's what a man is, I don't want to be one.”
Seeing what's happening with trans-identified kids today - the affirmation-only model of care, the role of what is clearly a social contagion, the glitter families, alienation of families of origin, comorbidities being routinely ignored or denied - for me and I imagine for many others, this is (pardon the terms) triggering and re-traumatizing, but triggers and re-traumatizing don't count when they fly in the face of the dominant gender narrative. Detransitioners get ignored, and so do people like me.
I'm a lifelong political progressive, still very gay-friendly, I have the occasional shameless man-crush, I'm a man, and I'm a Feminist - just not the popular, fashionable kind. I'm not right-wing, not terribly religious, I did finally get a college degree - SOC/PHI - at forty. My GC position isn't coming from a place of right-wing politics, hate, bigotry, religion, or ignorance. It’s coming from a heartfelt empathy for those who are being harmed, because I’ve been there. But whereas being wrong about one’s sexual orientation can be a bit embarrassing and may cause some hurt feelings if there’s a relationship involved, being wrong about one’s gender and/or biological sex can result in life-altering, permanent physical damage.
Do I have all of the answers? No, and I don’t claim to. What I have are some critical questions. I’m not trying to shut down conversation - I’m trying to help start one. On this issue and on so many others, what we’ve got isn’t a conversation at all - it’s a mutual exchange of emotionally loaded conversation-enders and discursive dead ends. As a nation, as a society, and as a world, we can’t keep doing this.
Yes, kudos for sharing. Your story is exactly what needs to be told. I went through so much of the same but different growing up, a young confused angry girl who had to many male predators slinking around me. I tried to look like a boy when I was a freshman, even had a flat top haircut, wore black baggy clothes. I was angry and miserable and became promiscuous with boys, which was a way to weirdly deal with it all. In my late teens early 20's I went through my maybe Im bisexual phase which didn't go far and didn't last. If it were today I would be affirmed and shoved towards transition and medicalized. Thats horrifying to me, I was just trying to figure out who I was and at 52 I still am changing and growing and figuring out who I am but in the perimenopause phase of life. Ive been hoping more non religious progressive minded people would speak out against this whole thing, little by little we are. I want to come out as Gender-Critical to my progressive community but geezo its a bit daunting, and Im not one to shy away from controversy. Im known as an outspoken activist in my community but the gender thing is a whole different social beast. My friend came out as gender critical to our progressive community a few years back and was demonized, ostracized and had to go to therapy and was suicidal because of how horribly he was treated. He's the one who's taught me so much about this topic and I'm beyond grateful he has.
So okay Im gonna do it, Im coming out today.
Thanks for the inspiration.
Hi Byran, I've come here from the PITT share - couldn't reply in that mess of comments, my word some truly awful replies amongst the decent ones. Figured coming to the source would be better!
I'm a bisexual woman, mid 40s who grew up in an abusive dysfunctional family and I was sexually abused. I was a proud tomboy as a kid that was sometimes confused for a boy by people, but never once wished to be one. I will always have a strong slightly butch side, but can also femme it right up if I feel like it. I've never fit in on either side, and neither should I or anyone honestly. I loathe how repressive this cult is, making people only see in black and white, one way or the other - classic trauma based thinking.
At the core of this cult under the subterfuge, obfuscation and lies is the deeply hideous reality of butchering children and vulnerable adults and I cannot stand for it. I've done enough psychotherapy to heal from my past to know that lies always lead to harm.
I don't have kids or a partner, have been a 'lefty' since birth, a liberal, creative, music obsessed, free spirit that gets vaccinated. Ha. Breaking stereotypes everywhere I go. I wish I could come out publicly as GC but I know the backlash would ruin my career and life, and there's no bursting bank account to keep me safe so I stay underground.
That's the thing about this nightmare - the majority of the sheep following the screams of 'TERF!!' don't even realise what it's really for. They just think it's the 'worst person' ever. Not plain old 'women don't have dicks' 'men don't have vaginas'.. ah.
Thanks for speaking out.