Maybe you’ve heard the stories- chefs spitting into food, rinsing mould off chicken, or dropping a sent-back steak and grinding it against the dirty floor with the heel of their clog, then deep frying and sending back out to the customer.
You’ll be relieved to know that even though I’ve worked in some dodgy places, I haven’t witnessed any of the above. Swearing and next-level complaining about customers, whether deserved or not, totally happens, but the worst transgressions against customers and food happen not with a bang but a whimper- substandard ingredients, bought-in sauces, stock powders, pre-made slaw, poor quality meats and questionable hygiene practices- these are all things that chefs and restaurant owners have the power and the obligation to eradicate from their kitchens.
Over the years, I’ve compiled a mental list of crimes against good food, whether as an employee or as a diner, and have been slowly trying to right the wrongs, if only to make myself feel better.
My list started to form in 1982, when a restaurant which will remain unnamed (it’s still open) was desperate enough to hire 12 year old me to wash their pots and pans. These days, it sounds crazy or illegal, but I was keen to make money, and I remember feeling quite capable.
For anyone that didn’t eat out in the northern US in the 80s and 90s, I’m here to tell you that bread sticks and crackers with cheese spread were de rigueur as a complimentary table snack at a certain type of mid-level restaurant.
In my local restaurant, a white ramekin brimming with a neon-coloured and irresistible port wine cheese spread, accompanied by a little basket of crackers and bread sticks, ripe for the double-dipping, was placed on the table after the orders were taken and then cleared as soon as the appetisers were served. I was to discover that very few finished the cheese spread, even though as a diner at this restaurant in my childhood, I’d given it my best shot. It had everything- it was free, it was cheesy, it was crunchy.
As a newly hired dishwasher and KP however, I was less enthusiastic about the free nibbles when I discovered that one of my jobs was to scrape the used, partially-eaten ramekins of bought-in cheese spread (that I had so loved in the past) into a bucket to be re-plated and served again. And yes, as you’d suspect, there were broken bits of bread sticks and crackers in the returned dip, so I was shown how to press it through a sieve with a rubber spatula to remove the bigger bits.
I’ll just let that sink in for a minute.
We love spready cheese for a reason- cheese dip, whipped cheese, cheese pâté, potted cheese, cheese spread- there’s something so decadent and comforting about it, and spurred on by the horror of the big bad bought-in buckets, the hot queso in dispensers at 7/11s, the nacho cheese dip in jars and the cheese in a spray can, I’ve spent years coming up with recipes that hit the same indulgent notes, but use good ingredients.
So please find below, as an antidote to the above story, a recipe for a small batch of glorious cheese paté, and some crisp, satisfying crackers to spread it on.
Another top tip involving the freezer:
Sometimes, especially around Christmas, I get carried away in the cheese section and come home with an array of cheeses that I probably am not going to get through. A simple solution is to grate all the little leftover bits of cheese (finely if possible) into a bag or container and put into the freezer for a future use, adding to it whenever you have a hardening bit of cheese, or one that is nearing its use-by date. I generally freeze medium or hard cheeses but you can also cut your soft cheeses like brie. mozzarella or camembert into the smallest possible chunks and add to your mix. Crumble blue cheese into a separate freezer bag/box, because all of the cheeses will taste like blue cheese if you mix them together. Whenever you want a mix of cheeses to top a gratin, stir into a cheese sauce, or make a fabulous grilled cheese sandwich, you can use the cheese mix straight from the freezer.
Freeform Crackers
Makes maybe a hundred thin crackers
You’re going to love this recipe, and I’d venture to say, will stop buying crackers from the shop. Honestly, people say “oh my god- where’d you get these” when they try them. The dough comes together in minutes, and is a delight to work with, rolling easily to paper thin, and baking quickly into light, salty crackers that shatter in your mouth. Top with the cheese paté below, or other whipped or very thinly sliced cheeses for a quick canapé.
Ingredients:
400g strong white flour
2 tsp sea salt
75ml extra virgin olive oil
200ml warm water
Optional: 4 tbsp small seeds of your choice- I use sesame, fennel or poppy, or a mixture. Don’t try to use sunflower or pumpkin seeds- they’re too big and will rip your dough.
Method:
Preheat oven to 170 C.
Mix the flour and salt in a medium bowl, and add the seeds of your choice, if using. Drizzle the olive oil over the dry ingredients, then rub into the flour with your fingers.
Add the warm water, and stir with your hand until a soft dough forms. Make sure all of the flour is incorporated, then turn out onto a clean surface. Cut the dough into 8 pieces, and leave to rest for 5-10 minutes.
Dusting the surface and rolling pin lightly with flour, roll one of the 8 pieces of dough as thinly as you can. Keep flipping the dough as you roll, dusting with more flour if necessary-you won’t be able to see through the dough, but it’ll feel like thin fabric. Cut the dough using a pizza cutter, pasta cutter, knife, or bread scraper into the desired shapes. I like to make long thin triangles if I’m serving as nibbles with drinks. Try little squares, big squares, long rectangles- you can be creative here.
Carefully spread out your thin cracker shapes (close together but not touching) onto two trays, and bake in your preheated oven, keeping a fierce eye on them to prevent burning. If you think they’re getting too brown too fast, turn your oven down by about 10 degrees.
Once you figure out how long they’re going to take (anywhere from 5-10 minutes, generally, depending on how thin the dough is, how brown you like your crackers, and your actual oven temperature), you can set the timer for each subsequent batch.
Continue rolling out the remaining pieces of dough while you’re baking, sliding the hot baked crackers onto a cooling rack or another large tray, and putting your rolled out cracker dough shapes onto the hot empty trays before sliding them back into the oven to continue your cracker baking cycle.
Cool and store in an airtight container or big jar. If you feel like they’re getting stale over the next week or two, just pop them on a tray in the oven at 180 C, no need to spread them out, and bake for 5 minutes to regain fresh crunchiness. Let cool before putting back into the container.
Sheep’s Cheese, Olive Oil and Chile Pâté
Makes 165g of pâté
This cheese pâté recipe is a nod to Almogrote, the Canarian cheese spread, which is made with spicy, dried Canary Island peppers and cured goat’s cheese. It’s a great make-ahead recipe, because the flavours and texture improve overnight in the fridge.
Ingredients:
100g finely grated sheep’s cheese, like Cáis na Tíre, Cratloe Hill, Manchego, Creeny, Pecorino or other. Or you can use any mix of grated medium to hard cheeses, if that’s all you have.
50ml good quality extra virgin olive oil
1 plump garlic clove
1 guajillo or pasilla chile, soaked in boiling water until softened, about 1 hour, drained
1 ½ tsp paprika
pinch each sea salt and black pepper
Method:
Put all of the ingredients into a small food processor, small blender or jug with hand blender. Blend until smooth, scrape into a container and keep refrigerated. Lasts for at least a week in the fridge.
Double or triple the recipe if you’re having a bigger party.
Ahhhh, can’t un-know this now! Did they never consider just … giving smaller portions?