Torture: watching everybody be wonderful to everybody else
I'm not sure I'm going to come out of this
The worst feeling in the world is watching everybody you know tell you how much they care about you, only to turn around and care about everybody else but you.
They run to good-time people who wouldn’t run to their dying bedside, people who only show up for the free lobster, for the paycheck, and for the big-deal toast at your funeral (finally!).
Strangers.
They forgot you were the only one fighting for them when they were dying, alone and scared, ridiculed and abandoned for being weak, a sucker…standing in the rain after the game already ended in your dirty, secondhand uniform.
Everyone ran, but you stayed, playing rocket ship and reading bedtime stories to keep their mind from screaming.
They left you behind and the only thing they could give you are words from a Hallmark card, finished with a few sad emojis.
You ask and you beg for a sign, and all they can spare is one photo. One.
“How are you?”
“Okay.”
Fight for me! Make a scene! Make me matter!
I FUCKING MATTER!
I’m not there. I wound up holding the bag. I made a sacrifice for you. And all you have for me is a picture and “Okay?”
I gave up my life for you. For you.
I gave up every good thing I had to make you happy. I made myself miserable, I hid myself from the world, so you could get that parking space. I made allowances, I forgot your broken promises, promises I built my castles on.
I have nothing, you have everything.
I gave you everything I had, everything good and decent and pure within me, I worked around the clock when I should’ve stopped and smelled the roses — all so you could fuck me over with the better, younger model, who knows how to play the game.
They travel far and wide to cook and clean and take in every stray, but your one dog is a bridge too far. They say it’s a shame, they have dogs, they have cats, they have jobs, they have worries, they can’t, they won’t, but they have no idea what you’ve given up, what you’d have done for them if they only asked.
Okay.
Maybe it’s bad timing.
Maybe they want to. But then the shit hits the fan. People begin dying of cancer and needing their special fix. They have reactive dogs and take on a question mark.
They are embarrassed by you. You’ve become a burden. A source of shame. A constant reminder — even though you try very hard to be very small — that they’ve done nothing but talk and take and talk some more.
The really bad ones don’t even take. You’re not good enough.
They think you’re alright, because you said you are, over and over again, to make them feel better and really, there’s nothing to be done, somebody has to stay behind. They think you can wait until a better time, maybe next summer when winter isn’t so hectic, maybe after they’ve blown their wad with their rich friends, smarter, more fun…not just a fucking drag.
This is how the darkness of depression spreads, with one careless act after one tiny broken promise. It won’t matter if they bail.
She doesn’t matter.
One crucial break, and all of a sudden, you’re fighting not to go down and go back in, where you came from, where you can’t breathe and the sun is far from the bottom of this endless lonely sea.
This must be how people die inside.
One day, they’ll look up. Maybe it’s a rare bad day. Maybe they’re bored and need their Nintendo back.
One day, they’ll check in and I won’t be there.
why did you have me, mom, if you were never going to be around?
“I don’t want you to go?” just go
he’ll always leave, you’re just a place holder until the next party
it didn’t bother you, fa la la, because you weren’t stabbed in the back
I thought you’d always be my friend, you’re a liar
“It seems true love is so rare
Seems all I've known is deceit
Your laughter fills the air
Once more I'm sensing defeat
And I suppose you're leaving me now
I was so sure, now I'm so full of doubt
And I suppose you'll be leaving this place
Just like the smile you wiped from my face, this time
I always gave my best
Your memory serves you so badly
Some people kill for less
Yet I'd still die for you gladly (so gladly)
But I suppose it's my turn now
To play a scene that's familiar somehow
I turn the page and you walk away
Not even love could bring you to stay, this time
Walk away, it’s so easy
Once more I'm learning
In the depths of my despair
Your lies confirming true love is so rare
And I suppose it's my turn now
There's no more love, only feelings of doubt
Gone with the hope your words have erased
Gone with the smile you wiped from my face
Love is a ship we all hope to steer
Through troubled times, cross an ocean of tears
A midnight sea that swells in your eyes
Takes just one look to know I'm still mesmerized
But I suppose you're leaving me now
I was so sure now, I'm so full of doubt
I turn the page and you walk away
Not even love could bring you to stay, this time
Leaving me now
Leaving this place”
— “Leaving Me Now,” Level 42