Setting boundaries is an integral part of establishing your identity and is a critical part of your mental health. Boundaries can be physical or emotional and they can be loose or rigid. Often our healthiest boundaries fall somewhere in the middle of that range. As you are learning to set healthy boundaries, one of the crucial components is learning to show compassion and kindness to yourself. Boundaries are the ultimate in self-care.
What do healthy boundaries do for you?
They help to establish your identity by defining individuality and they help you understand what you will and will not hold yourself responsible for. A healthy boundary might be a physical one like declining physical contact from a co-worker or other person. It could also be an emotional or psychological one that asks that same person not to make unreasonable demands on your time or emotions.
The benefits of healthy boundaries are really important to our well-being. Think about what happens when we don’t have healthy boundaries: that can lead to resentment, anger, financial burdens, stress, wasted time, relationship issues, and burnout. What this shows us is that a lack of healthy boundaries can negatively impact all areas of our lives. Unlike more intuitive aspects of self-care like healthy eating and exercise, setting healthy boundaries is something a lot of people don’t truly understand and based on how we relate to those around us, can be hard to do.
What is a boundary?
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. They should be based on your values or the things that are important to you. Understanding your values is really key to being able to set boundaries you are able to follow through with. For example, if you value spending time with family, set firm boundaries about working late or not taking on tasks that will impinge on that value. Your boundaries are yours, and yours alone. Many of your boundaries might align with those who are close to you, but others will be unique. Know your boundaries and understand your values before entering a situation. This will make it less likely you’ll do something you’re not comfortable with.
Types of Boundaries
Physical boundaries refer to personal space and physical touch. Healthy physical boundaries include an awareness of what’s appropriate, and what’s not, in various settings and types of relationships (hug, shake hands, or kiss?). Physical boundaries may be violated if someone touches you when you don’t want them to, or when they invade your personal space (for example, rummaging through your bedroom).
Intellectual boundaries refer to thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for others’ ideas and an awareness of appropriate discussion (should we talk about the weather or politics?). Intellectual boundaries are violated when someone dismisses or belittles another person’s thoughts or ideas.
Emotional boundaries refer to a person’s feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries include limitations on when to share, and when not to share, personal information. For example, gradually sharing personal information during the development of a relationship, as opposed to revealing everything to everyone. Emotional boundaries are violated when someone criticizes, belittles, or invalidates another person’s feelings.
Sexual boundaries refer to the emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality. Healthy sexual boundaries involve mutual understanding and respect for limitations and desires between sexual partners. Sexual boundaries can be violated with unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, leering, or sexual comments.
Material boundaries refer to money and possessions. Healthy material boundaries involve setting limits on what you will share, and with whom. For example, it may be appropriate to lend a car to a family member, but probably not to someone you met this morning. Material boundaries are violated when someone steals or damages another person’s possessions, or when they pressure them to give or lend them their possessions.
Time boundaries refer to how a person uses their time. To have healthy time boundaries, a person must set aside enough time for each facet of their life such as work, relationships, and hobbies. Time boundaries are violated when another person demands too much of another’s time.
So let’s look at the nuts and bolts of how to do it...
The first step is to identify where boundaries might exist or be lacking in your life. If you have set boundaries in one area of your life, but have difficulty setting them in other areas, it helps to really get curious about how they are working. What things can you take away from one area that works, to help you in an area that you are struggling with? If you are struggling in all areas, know that you ALWAYS have the right to say “no”. It is important to express yourself clearly and without ambiguity so there is no doubt about what you want. Here are some concrete steps:
1. Define. Identify the desired boundary that you would like to set. Get clear on what YOU need.
2. Permission. Give yourself permission to say no
3. Focus on You. Keep the focus on yourself: “You need to stop bothering me when I first get home from work” is instead “I need some time to myself when I first get home from work.”
4. Communicate. Say what you need to say to convey the boundary that you need to set. Do it clearly so there is no ambiguity.
5. Stay Simple. Don’t over-explain. You do not need to explain every detail of why you are saying no. Everyone has the right to determine what they do and do not want to do.
6. Set Consequences. It is impossible to set boundaries without setting consequences. Say why it is important to you. Only set consequences you are willing to follow through on them. Not following through on a consequence pretty much negates the boundary you have tried to set.
What does a boundary sound like?
It might be:
I’m not comfortable with this.
I can’t do this for you.
Please don’t do that.
Not at this time.
This doesn’t work for me.
This is not acceptable.
I have decided not to.
I am drawing the line at ________.
I don’t want to do that.
What does a boundary look like?
The other important component is your demeanor when you are doing this.
1. Use Confident Body Language and Voice
Face the other person, make eye contact, and use a steady tone of voice at an appropriate volume (not too loud or too soft.)
2. Be Respectful
Avoid yelling, using put-downs, or giving the silent treatment. It’s okay to be firm but your message will be better received if you are respectful.
3. Plan Ahead
Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it BEFORE entering a difficult discussion. This will help you feel more confident about the situation. Using a mirror to practice helps some people. Writing a script helps others. Learn what works for you. There are some people who overstep often. Anticipate what they might do next and plan for it.
4. Compromise
When appropriate, listen and consider the needs of the other person. You never have to compromise but give-and-take is a part of healthy relationships. If all the giving is one-sided, then you need to re-assess if this is really a compromise.
Setting boundaries takes work and practice. Each time you do it, you will get better at it. And the benefit of setting boundaries is improved mental health!
What boundaries have you set recently?
What boundaries do you need help with? Let me know by leaving a comment.