I sit here staring at a blank page. I have thought about this substack and have it mostly written in my head. But you guys can’t read my mind so I need to get some words down. Why do I find myself waiting until Sunday morning to sit down and do this?
Do you struggle with procrastination?
This past week I had a procrastination break-through. There is a bit of a backstory, so bear with me. I have had businesses off and on since 1984. When I moved to NJ, I worked for several companies in NYC for a while and then decided I needed to chart my own course. So I started another business. Formed as an LLC, it started as a marketing consulting company. I helped companies communicate effectively within a variety of markets, designed packaging and graphics for a number of uses, and it then morphed into a small publishing company. In many ways, it was my identity and the way I was able to morph or shape-shift into each of the next phases of my working career. I was the queen of the new next thing, generally in 7-10-year increments.
My publishing company had been around for almost 20 years, a record in my shape-shifting universe. With my divorce and need to move houses, I was done with the albatross of all of the inventory. Forty-pound boxes are a lot to move around and I was tired. I also had done a year-long training as a life coach through iPEC and I assumed that would be my next shapeshift.
Man, have I dragged my feet and procrastinated on getting the next venture started. I did some fits and starts but my heart just wasn’t in it. I do enjoy helping people but it just wasn’t feeling like the next segue was in my heart.
I have still been cleaning up the remaining pieces from the publishing company and one of the items has been to file reporting for quarterly NJ sales tax. There has been no income, but until the company closes, it needs to be reported as none. It is an online process that when I moved, I couldn’t get to work. A simple task became something overwhelming. I tried to find a form I could just fill out and mail and was unable to. So I made one of my own, did two quarters, and mailed it off. It felt good to be current. Until I got a notice that the 3rd quarter had not been reported. It was on the paper that I sent. Heavy sigh. Maybe I needed to use two separate sheets? Who knows.
In the letter, there was a new PIN for me to use to do it online. That should be easy. But it sat for over a month. I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Something that should be easy, I just couldn’t get started. I created all kinds of reasons to not do it. I would think about it in the middle of the night and ruminate. I was certain it wouldn’t work and I would spend a bunch of time spinning my wheels and not get the task done. It was procrastination on steroids. What the heck?
Finally, after getting my dad settled and all the stuff I had to do last month, I finally sat down at my desk to shovel the detritus of the time I just piled stuff up there to come back to at a later time. In the pile was the letter from the NJ Taxation and Revenue Department. I fired up my computer and navigated to the place I needed to be. Entered my credentials and the new PIN and there I was, able to submit the information. It took about 5 minutes. The next thing I did was to look at how to end a business. That form needed to be printed out, filled in and mailed. And that is what I did.
Sometimes procrastination is just a manifestation of fear, guilt, and shame. Other times, there is something larger at work. Ending this business was a huge mental undertaking that was wearing the guise of filing the sales tax. This was the end of me as I knew me. A watershed moment, so to speak. And the opportunity for a fresh start of my making. All ruminating in the middle of the night as not complying with filing non-existent sales tax.
Sometimes the little decisions are masking the bigger ones. And the big one hit me right in who I am, so it was a big deal. How do you know? It’s that get-curious thing. Start to ask yourself some open-ended questions…why is this so hard, could there be something bigger here? Sometimes writing down the answers is helpful. Give yourself the chance to understand the whys and get curious.
After I filled out the form to end my business, stuck it in an envelope, and mailed it there was an amazing weight lifted. Now it feels like the possibilities are open-ended and all mine to choose.
Congratulations on your accomplishment. Know that you did it! 👍🏼👍🏼😊
I just wrote about procrastination and perfectionism in my most recent post. I think you summarized exactly how I've been feeling. Congrats on ending your buisness!