"Erotic love loves secrecy--an engagement is a disclosure; it loves silence; an engagement is a public announcement; it loves whispering--an engagement is a loud proclamation, and yet, with my Cordelia's help, an engagement will be a superb way to deceive the enemies. On a dark night, there is nothing more dangerous for other ships than to hang out a lantern, which is more deceptive than the darkness."
Kierkegaard, Seducer's Diary
My lover and I were supposed to go to a cabin in upstate New York for a weekend, it was a weekend in June. But we woke up to a text from the woman whose cabin it is, she said “oops! Double booked! Hope you didn’t leave yet!” We hadn’t.
But I said to him, “what if we had shown up and another couple was already there? That would be awkward. That would be a fun play.”
“You should write it,” he said.
“I will,” I said, slightly stubbornly. So then I had to. And I did.
I have danced my entire life, practically since I was born, but I’ve always loved words. I think that’s why I fell in love with acting. It felt like the most amazing synthesis of the two things I have always loved: embodiment and language. The little underground theater wold that has developed and being in plays is pretty much what my life has revolved around for the past year.
Now I’m excited to put on a play of my own. I’m excited to play the opposite role. It premiers October 23rd in the West Village and tickets are right here. If you’re reading this, you can use the code ‘substack’ for a discount. Hope to see you there… In the meantime, enjoy a couple excerpts.
JOSEPH
You think I'm a horrible person.
MELANIE
No. I just think we were made to treat each other horribly.
JOSEPH
Stop.
MELANIE
I'm serious.
JOSEPH
I hate when you say things like that.
MELANIE
It’s pathetic, right? How obvious it is that I don’t mean it? How I’m very clearly just trying to hurt you because being with you hurts me?
JOSEPH
So... you mean it.
MELANIE
I guess.
JOSEPH
I'm not un-hurtable.
MELANIE
You don't seem present enough to feel something as immediate as pain.
JOSEPH
I feel extremely lonely when you speak about me that way.
MELANIE
I feel extremely lonely almost all of the time.
JOSEPH
You know, your constant melancholia charmed me until I realized it was a cry for attention.
MELANIE
Fuck you
Melanie smiles
JOSEPH
Yet, she's smiling
MELANIE
You're the only person who won't let me get away with things.
JOSEPH
I know.
MELANIE
He didn’t heal he just replaced it with a sex addiction.
CHRIS
He's a sex addict?
MELANIE
I think so.
CHRIS
We exchange our vices like currency.
LOTTE
Oh no. Am I a sex addict?
CHRIS
No. Fucking a sex addict is like fucking a blow-up doll.
MELANIE
There's, like, a vacant look in the eye…
CHRIS
Yep.
MELANIE
And it feels mechanical.
CHRIS
Yep.
MELANIE
I'm a horrible person.
LOTTE
No you're not
MELANIE
I feel guilty
CHRIS
Why?
MELANIE
I feel like my brain is sharing this specific perspective with you so that it can convince itself that I’m right. That I’m not a bad person.
CHRIS
You don't seem like a bad berson.
MELANIE
You don't know me.
CHRIS
You’re right. I don’t. But now you’re self-pitying for being bad which is just as bad as being bad but far less interesting.
MELANIE
Damn.
LOTTE
Bullshit. Just because nature is self-satisfying, and scary, and dark, and all of these things, doesn’t automatically make grace the poster child of being. I’m so tired of false dichotomies, of dichotomies in general. Of opposing philosophies meaning that one is right, when really, we are all so deeply wrong about most things. There has to be something else. Something is missing. And it’s not perfect harmony. The church choir is never in perfect harmony… the church choir is full of amateurs. Amateurs at best… Sorry. I’m rambling.
JOSEPH
No, you’re thinking. You’re philosophizing. I think it’s funny, often when people say “sorry, I’m rambling,” they’re usually saying the most interesting things.
LOTTE
Yeah. That’s just something I do. Double back on what I said. Pretend I think it was stupid. You know, in case someone else thinks it was stupid. That way I have plausible deniability. Like, “Oh you thought what I said was really stupid? Well so did I, like, obviously. I was just rambling.”
JOSEPH
Well I thought what you said was really really insightful. And you should stop doing that.
LOTTE
Yeah well, pulling the “I’m an idiot” card leads people to say precisely that as soon as possible.
JOSEPH
Well played.
LOTTE
Check.
JOSEPH
Putting your opponent in check too fast is an amateur mistake.
LOTTE
Well it's your move.
JOSEPH
Who says I'm even playing?
LOTTE
This has been a game since the second I walked through that door. I came in, melancholic, which is obviously your type, melancholic, overly analytical, yet sensitive. Emotional. Melanie and I are extremely similar in a lot of ways, actually. You have a type. This is very fun for you, to flirt with me. Because that is what you’re doing. But I created this situation. I knew what you would think, about the death of the bunny. I knew we would talk about, like entropy or something, and that that would be very intriguing to you. If there were people watching us right now... if there were hidden cameras in this cabin... the audience would think that we’re about to kiss. But we’re not. Because cross seduction is too predictable a narrative for two couples stuck in a cabin in the woods. I think we’re much more interesting than that.
Joseph doesn't respond
I believe that's checkmate.
JOSEPH
Where does it start?
LOTTE
Where does what start?
JOSEPH
The game.
LOTTE
It’s funny... they all assume you look at me as a “young girl” you date, but they’re the ones that are putting me in that category. Not you.
CHRIS
Who's they?
LOTTE
People.
CHRIS
Which people?
LOTTE
Just people.
CHRIS
I see.
LOTTE
How long do you think you'll live?
CHRIS
Lotte, I'm not that old.
LOTTE
I know. I'm just asking.
CHRIS
I feel invincible in some moments.
LOTTE
What about other moments?
CHRIS
I feel like I'm about to die.
LOTTE
Me too.