As I get older, I want to be more in control of my time.
I look back at how compliant I once was, saying yes to whatever was asked of me in the workplace and in social situations, certainly always wanting to please people and not upset anyone along the way.
Fortunately, I'm learning that boundaries are very important. I still find it difficult to say no to something, even if I know I categorically don't want to do it. You know, that foreboding feeling of resentment if you do say yes? I find it hard because I feel like I am letting someone down if I do say no.
What frustrates me in particular is being asked to do something extra at the last minute because of someone else's disorganisation. I'm all for helping out when I can, especially when I can see that someone else has a lot going on which is beyond their control, but when my workload ends up increasing due to another person's lack of forethought, I am frustrated. I think this was one of the many reasons I needed to leave my teaching job earlier this year. I craved, desperately, to be in control of my own time and not be at the whim of others, picking up the pieces of external sources of disorganisation.
If you've been reading for a while, you will know that I do still have a part-time teaching job. It works well for me on several levels, but I can’t tell you how much I look forward to my freelance days. Perhaps giving myself those two days has opened my eyes even further to how much better life can be when you’re in control of your time and workload? I can’t afford to give classroom teaching up completely at the moment, but having a taste of career freedom is driving me to put everything into building my freelance interior design and writing work because eventually I want to be able to leave the classroom. I’m not convinced that I can make this happen immediately, but I am certainly much less risk averse than I was and more willing to take a leap of faith.
When you know that you need to make a change in your job (or life), it can be a good idea to make this change gradually, changing one thing at a time. This means it feels less drastic, and you feel in control of what you are attempting to do. This is especially the case when dramatically changing careers because, in reality, you don’t know if you will enjoy the new career until you try it, so it isn’t always sensible to focus absolutely everything on that right away. Of course there are some exceptions to that, and everyone’s situation is different.
Circling back to my initial point about wanting to be in control of my time, I started to wonder/worry that I am a “control freak”. So, I googled the term and found a definition. That’s a suitable way of determining whether I fit that description, right?
According to this article in Psychology Today, there are 5 key signs. Here they are with some thoughts on whether I think I fit that description:
Correcting people when they're wrong - I used to do this more when I was younger, and I do occasionally think it, but I try very hard not to correct others. Ultimately, I tell myself it doesn’t really matter if what someone is saying is wrong (at least most of the time), so I would simply move the conversation on or walk away.
Always trying to win the argument or have the last word - I don’t think I do this. I think I’m more likely to not enter into the argument in the first place and keep my opinions to myself which is arguably not so good either!
Refusal to admit when they're wrong - Humility is a trait I respect in others, so I do try to be humble myself, especially when I realise I might have gotten something wrong and just admit it.
Judging or criticising others - Hmm, I think I do this in my head more than I should. I certainly try not to verbalise it, but I am guilty of this very occasionally.
Driving with rage - I’m a pretty chilled-out driver. There are certainly occasions when I get a tiny bit road rage-y but most of the time I am very chill in the car.
Having gone through the above list, I’m concluding that I’m most likely not a “control freak”. There is a distinction between wanting to have organisation in your life and needing to control other people. Writing this is making me think that organisation and control was something that helped me to deal with the stresses of my old job? Trying to create order out of something that, looking back, had very little order to it?
The truth is we can’t be in control of everything in our lives. I relish the times when something spontaneous happens, and have been letting impulse into my life a lot more in recent months. Examples of that are meeting up with people I’ve met through Substack in real life. I’m not sure I would have done anything like that 12 months ago, but here I am. This has happened several times recently, and just last night I met up with
over a glass of red wine and a cheeseboard as she is visiting my hometown of London. Reid and I connected right at the start of my Substack journey back in August. She is based in Austin, Texas and so when this rare opportunity presented itself, I said yes without hesitation.Perhaps I am requiring less control because I’ve given myself much more creative freedom in my life? I hope so.
I’m interested to know whether anyone reading feels that they have a need to control aspects of their life or work?
What are the ingredients of the fine balance between control and spontaneity? Has anyone found the secret formula?
Are there any good books out there I should read which focus on this topic?
Lovely piece Hannah :)
Not sure if this quite fits the criteria for control and spontaneity, but after reading this, my brain went to Oliver Burkeman's Four Thousand Weeks? If you haven't read it, Burkeman examines how we perceive time, especially through the lens of our mad-paced society, and makes some fantastic references to how this fits with work.
I used to work with someone who had a sign on the little dividing wall of their desk that read "A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine". Love it!
I am also trying to work on boundaries. Very much a work in progress. For example, I've just been on holiday with my husband and his parents. They are very much night owls, whereas I need an early night. When I was ready for bed, I left them to it in the bar. I could feel the disapproval at times, but what fun is it for me to sit there until the early hours, yawning, watching them drink (I don't really drink that much any more)? Not much. Plus, it was my holiday too!