“some days i wish his body to leave this earth
just so his mind could be at peace”
- Christine Marie, Breaking Free
Unpublished excerpt from Monday evening (3.11)
It’s 10:08pm, and I write to you from the LA airport as I wipe tears from my eyes, while drowning out the white noise from the overhead speaker and the infant screaming in the seat behind me.
Just fourteen hours ago, my Beloved and I were holding hands while skipping towards the entrance of Disneyland. The sky gleaned a majestic cotton candy pink, the air crisp with fresh baked pastries and Starbucks coffee, and the place where all your dreams are made of, became our fresh canvas to nourish our inner children that had desperately yearned for a day filled with love, play, and a sense of magic in this 3D reality.
It wasn’t that we were unaware of my father being suddenly hospitalized, however, it was the last bit of joy we felt I needed to squeeze in before getting on our red eye flight to Michigan this evening to go be by his side.
I haven’t seen my father in maybe six or seven years, and haven’t spoken to him since Christmas of 2019. Since then, I had decided it was healthier to go no contact with him, after spending majority of my life watching him suppress his trauma with drugs and other self-sabotaging behaviors I choose to keep private at this time.
If you’ve been following along my healing journey, you will know that when I published, My sister calls me from prison, I had mentioned some inner angst and confusion as to why my father was still alive after all these years. And when I received the call yesterday that he had been hospitalized after a broken hip from a recent fall, I knew that this may potentially be the time his physical body begins to parish, as his soul prepares to transition into another phase of life.
For a very long time, I had painted the abuse and neglect from my father as my greatest source of pain and suffering. Exactly a year ago, many healing journeys and an inner level of resourcefulness led me down a path of forgiveness towards him that has me now feeling energetically and emotionally calm and regulated around the Destiny of our relationship.
Years ago, if you were to ask me if I needed an apology from him in order to move forward with serenity in my own life, I would have said yes, absolutely. The old me would had not have been convinced otherwise.
Today, that is not the case. Not even close.
With the amount of forgiveness that I have authentically felt from afar, I travel home with nothing but a deep desire to allow love be the medicine that heals, nurtures, and connects us for however much time he has left. I truly owe this possibility to the healing work that I’ve done (mostly with plant spirit medicines & shamanic healing) over these last couple of years, that now grants me the opportunity to greet him with nothing but unconditional love for being the most challenging and greatest teacher I have had the blessing to learn from.
As we all know, the grieving process is sticky, non-linear, completely multi-layered and unpredictable. And yet, I have a deep sense of trust and inner knowing that despite the hurt that my inner child internalized and felt, I can still honor him today as a soul in human form—whom did not know better than what he was taught and conditioned with. Whom did not know how to break free from his own past grievances and samsara.
I know now on a deep, internal level, that him hurting me in the many ways he did, was never about me. It was about himself.
I write and share this piece as a beacon of hope for those who are estranged from their parents or loved ones in any way. My promise to you is that if you continue to follow the path towards healing yourself and understanding the greater lessons behind your karmic and soul contracts, the more possible it is for you to discover freedom and peace within.
An excerpt from Wednesday evening (3.13)
Well, if you’re with me this far, then I’ll have you know that unfortunately, I didn’t make it in time. My father, Gary Martin Aitchison, officially left this life two hours prior to my arrival.
The last words he spoke to me were on the phone on Sunday afternoon. He said:
“Are you happy?”
”How’s your book doing?”
”I love you.”
My dad turned 70-years-old the week before, and it was truly a miracle he lived for as long as he did. Right now, I am in my hometown in Michigan with my sisters and Beloved—floating in the waves of grief, despair, and relief.
I have made it my intention to take processing his death with nothing but presence and tenderness. I am taking it all day by day, moment by moment. I ask from my clients, readers, and dearest community to keep me and my family in your heart during this deeply challenging time.
Know that you can still continue to expect offerings like newsletters, 1:1 work, group work and retreats as I carry forward with my own grieving path. Also, know that me being in service is a beacon of light and gives me pure joy, and the reflection on my fathers path fuels life force energy behind the mission behind my shamanic work. Even while un-sober, he loved to be in service and give back any way he could by volunteering or being an active member in his community. I feel I receive that same passion and drive from him and am immensely grateful for that gift.
While I am in the grieving process, please don’t be shy, reach out, connect, and share with me a story of your journey of forgiveness, loss or grief.
And if you would like to become free from resentment, pain, and suffering that holds you back from finding peace and forgiveness, then we may be divinely called to work together and you can schedule a call with me here. I would love to walk this path alongside you.
Thank you for being here with me on the journey. Many blessings to you 🌹
With Sacred Love,
Christine Marie
Thank you for sharing this Christine. My father died at 69 after being unwell for years. I saw him the day before he died and in those final hours I felt some peace myself, finally from the painful memories of childhood. 🖤
Last May I found myself on a flight to Michigan from California to sit with my father as he passed, thus completing a 5 year stint with Alzheimer's. I remember sitting at his bedside crying and wondering "what am I so sad about? This guy was such an asshole for so much of my life it just doesn't make sense!" I then heard the words "wave of love" and was slammed with this feeling of indescribable appreciation and forgiveness. I experienced a love that is so much bigger than any wrong anyone can ever commit - any mistake, any grievance just pales in the presence of this Love. It was as if my dad gave me this gift as he "peaced-out" and it has changed my life profoundly. Sending prayers to you and your family. Thank you for sharing and opening this up... ahh... more tears....