On the cusp of my 49th birthday, I realized that my life should feel pretty good.
After all, my calendar was packed with momentous occasions captured on my camera roll; I was still married after 25+ years, had two well-adjusted kids, a home in a lakefront community, and two successful businesses between my husband and myself.
I had so much going for me (and I worked damn hard for it), but somehow it didn't feel like the fairytale ending it was supposed to.
I was still letting fear make decisions on my behalf. I still sabotaged myself more often than not, and 98% of the time, I felt overwhelmed and unable to cope with day-to-day life despite all the therapy, self-help books, online courses, and coaches I'd turned to over the years.
The emotional exhaustion of constantly trying (and failing) to force my brain to operate differently was becoming impossible to live with.
In that moment, I knew that the only way I'd ever feel a sense of peace was to figure out why I was never truly able to feel safe. That meant untangling the mess of the past instead of pretending what happened to me "wasn't that bad" or (my favorite) "could've been so much worse." It was time to focus on healing.
Moving into my 50th year was the beginning of that journey, and my life looks a lot different than it did, but it's not a done deal. I'm still in the messy middle between the before and after, and that's what the stories I share here are about.
I've been learning a lot throughout the healing process and want to share it for a few reasons…
One: Writing has always been a creative outlet for me to process my emotions, and it's been helpful for integration.
Two: I want to have more meaningful conversations about healing from complex trauma and navigating the incongruity of it all. Being honest about the ups and downs, the leaps forward, and the steps back makes those of us with C-PTSD feel less alone.
Three: Substack is an amazing community. There's an authenticity here, and by sharing my work and engaging with other writers on the platform, I feel connected to something bigger (sounds cheesy, but it's true.)
So, if you're wondering what to expect, first of all, I love that about you! Me too! The Type-A part of me loves a well-thought-out plan and a detailed schedule to go along with it!
So, here's the plan: I'll send a weekly newsletter alternating between info/a resource about complex trauma and a memoir piece (I'm thinking about serializing my memoir here on Substack, but I'm still working out the format.)
If you're interested in all that, I'm happy you're here! I want to create a community for C-PTSD survivors and share resources to help us all heal.
Much love,
Christy