Drugs were never my thing. Aside from growing up in the ‘Just Say No’ era of the 80s, the collateral damage pileup from generational addiction in my own family was all the proof I needed that mind-altering substances were not something to mess with.
For as long as I can remember, I made decisions I thought would allow me to feel some semblance of control in situations where I was utterly powerless and didn’t feel safe—choosing to do something for the sole purpose of losing control? No thanks. Zero interest in that. That’s what I thought drugs were all about. So, except for a wine cooler here and there or a few drags of someone’s joint at a high school party, I didn’t partake.
Armed with a substantial amount of judgment and the information bias to back it up, it’s not surprising that when my therapist told me that several studies had shown that psychedelics (specifically MDMA) were effective in treating the effects of trauma, my first thought was, that’s crazy. As far as I knew, MDMA (otherwise known as Ecstacy or Molly) was nothing more than a party drug that made kids dance their faces off, get all touchy-feely with each other, then wind up in the ER for heat exhaustion and dehydration. Using it in a therapeutic setting seemed a little out of left field (at best) and far too risky.
You know how once you learn about something you’ve never heard of before, it’s suddenly everywhere? Well, the topic of psychedelic-assisted therapy kept showing up in my orbit.
I saw documentaries on Netflix about people alleviating depression and anxiety by microdosing psilocybin. I heard podcasts discussing the work being done at MAPS (the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) to treat PTSD with MDMA in conjunction with therapy. And then there was Michael Pollan’s book, How To Change Your Mind, exploring the research on how psychedelics have successfully treated people suffering from addiction and a variety of mental illnesses. In addition, Pollan shares first-hand accounts of how consciousness-expanding compounds like LSD, psilocybin, MDMA, and Ayahuasca have changed people’s lives (including his own.)
The more I learned, the more I realized there were a lot of things I didn’t know I didn’t know about these drugs and their potential to heal. What if I could finally discard the remnants of an abusive childhood that 20+ years of therapy, workshops, coaches, courses, self-help books, meds, and alternative treatments hadn’t allowed for? How could I find the courage to give it a try?