Before I dive into Part 3 of my psychedelic-assisted therapy journey, I wanted to show off this newsletter's new look!
I've been working behind the scenes on a rebrand in my copywriting business and thought it would be fun to tie things together with a matching email header and logo for Substack.
When I started this newsletter, it seemed pointless to share it with anyone who knew me from my business because it had nothing to do with my work.
Plus, how would it look for potential clients and collaborators to read such personal things about me? (gasp!)
Talking about my work as a copywriter here didn't seem to make sense either. The writing I do in this space is about making peace with the past and the messiness of figuring out what comes next.
I know now that compartmentalizing the different parts of who I am is a trauma response. As a kid, I learned that to be acceptable to others, I had to behave differently depending on our relationship. It wasn't safe to be vulnerable. Or even fully myself.
But I don't need to do that anymore. One of the best things I can do to help myself heal is to allow all the parts of me to have a voice, no matter who's listening.
Bringing my business rebrand to Substack is part of the process of unbecoming who I learned to be as a result of abuse and trauma. And I wouldn't have come this far without the use of psychedelics.
Microdosing psilocybin (which I talked about in Part 2) opened the door to healing, but I still had to go inside and dig through the mess to figure out what was worth keeping and what needed to go.
Although MDMA isn't a classic psychedelic, it seems to have the greatest potential to heal Complex PTSD. That's why I chose it, but there were a few other reasons as well.
Because most of the medical research on psychedelics has focused on MDMA's potential to heal psychological trauma, it was easy to find reliable information on it.
MDMA didn't seem as scary because it doesn't have a hallucinogenic effect like psilocybin, LSD, DMT, or ayahuasca. All the first-hand accounts I read from the people who had done MDMA-assisted therapy talked about the gentleness of MDMA and the fact that they could "pull back" if the experience became too difficult.
I also appreciated that the effects of MDMA only last about 4 hours. That seemed more doable compared to a 6-hour journey with psilocybin or a 10-12-hour trip with LSD.
Once my integration coach and I developed a treatment plan, I set a few intentions and planned my first session.
When the day came, I created a little nest in my bed with everything I needed: earbuds, music, eye shades, water, my journal, a cozy blanket. I turned on an MDMA-assisted therapy playlist and took the medicine.
One of my intentions for the session was to be open to whatever needed to come up. I did a 5-minute meditation to calm myself and put on my eye mask while I waited for the MDMA to kick in.
I knew it was working when I felt a sense of calm and compassion for myself. I'd never experienced anything like it (not for myself, anyway.) My defenses were down, and my mind was able to scan through difficult memories, accept what happened to me, and integrate the truth that none of it was my fault.
For the first time, I understood that I wasn't unworthy of love. The people who were supposed to take care of me and make me feel safe couldn't give me what I needed. They couldn't find their way out of their own pain, so they were destined to pass it on to me.
I experienced a lot of somatic release during that first session as well. Lots of deep sighs, rocking to comfort myself, and the feeling of pushing negative energy out of my body.
It was the strangest thing, but I felt lighter when the session ended. It was like I'd spent my entire life walking around with a boulder strapped to my back, and I was finally able to set it down.
Subsequent sessions have been less dramatic, but they always reveal new things I need to understand to continue to heal.
BTW - I was featured on a podcast called Journey Home to Self last week. I talked about taking a 5-month business sabbatical, my experience with MDMA, and the messy middle of healing. You can listen to it here if you’re interested in hearing more.
I've been toying with the idea of using psychedelics for healing. I don't super wanna do it on my own. I'm in Australia, and have yet to find a way to do it in a supported way. So cool that you had support. Thank you for sharing!