Our lifetime journey with desire will constantly be in flux. A lot of the time, desire is circumstantial. It’s context-based. For some, our interest in getting frisky is quite low, for other’s we can see something, even just think of something for 3 seconds and be turned on. The main thesis here: any level of desire you might feel is a totally normal part of human existence.
What do I mean by “desire” anyway? In regards to this newsletter, I define desire to mean our interest in anything physically sexual. But in reality, it encompasses so much more. I believe there’s a difference between physical desire and emotional desire. In my personal experience, these can overlap and blur. For other people, they remain completely separate.
You might be thinking, “Oh, oh, she’s talking about sex drive.” Mmm, an outdated term. Sex… is not a drive. Nothing happens to you if you don't get it. Sexual desire is a curiosity rather than a hunger.
I’ve been reflecting on my own personal desire journey. I wrote a tell-all about it here.
Two types of desire:
Responsive: the desire that emerges out of the response to pleasure. Meaning, a little extra effort and maybe a little more introspection is needed to get turned on.
Spontaneous: the desire that emerges seemingly out of the blue. Just in the anticipation of pleasure. *Most people think this is how it “should” be. Not necessarily. Fck the shoulds!
Desire differentiation is the reason why most couples seek out sex therapy. If you are (insert feeling here) about your desire levels, I hope you can understand more about yourself and cultivate pleasure after reading a bit about this.
Pleasure depends on your state of mind.
Maximizing pleasure puts desire on the table.
Mind you, when I talk about the pleasure I am not talking about frequency of sex, what you do, or how you do it. It’s about how much you’re enjoying whatever you are experiencing. Sexually or otherwise.
Desire can be broken down into differentiating levels of inhibitors and exciters.
Low Desire: Sensitive souls or just not my cup of tea. There’s a lot of reasons not to be aroused these days. You might be quite sensitive to all of them. Maybe you need trust and patience. Think about your contexts and what disrupts you from feeling safe. (inhibitors) You could also be someone who just isn’t sensitive to sexy stimuli. You might need to be in the appropriate mental space or just need more intense stimulation. Or maybe you really aren’t interested in connecting with anyone sexually at all. You could be on the asexuality spectrum. Think this might be you? Tune into that! You can learn more about the asexuality spectrum here.
Middle Ground Desire: Context-based people! Your brain is aware and your body is aware. Meaning, if your inhibitors are running rampant at that moment (anxieties, self-consciousness, stress, etc.) you might have a hard time getting turned on. In terms of exciters, again, you might need to be in the right setting. Maybe something more erotic or romantic? Setting and mindset are everything. (Most people fall into this group).
High Desire: Ready. To. Go. Someone with low inhibitors and high exciters. Meaning they don’t have a hard time getting “aroused”. Fears or anxieties aren't major components when it comes down to getting busy (inhibitors). These people are also quite sensitive to stimuli, they can easily feel excited by something they see (hear, smell, taste) or fantasize (exciters). They also probably think about sex quite often. (reminder: we live in a society that still views sex as taboo, this if it’s not disrupting your happiness in daily life, thinking about sex often is not a bad thing. No slut-shaming)
You can be any combination of these, at any point in your life. You can even be easily stimulated but also easily inhibited. No matter where you are on the spectrum, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not weird, you’re not doomed, you’re not bad. You are wonderfully and beautifully normal.
What contributes to desire levels?
Stress (Work tough? Have kids? In school? Surviving a Pandemic?)
Relationship Satisfaction (Are you feeling the attraction? Do you trust them? Do you feel desired by them?)
Personal Health (Physical and emotional wellbeing)
Setting (Location, comfort level, visible distractions...)
This is really about what works for you.
It’s about getting honest with what you want and what you need.
If you're in a partnership, most people have mismatched libidos. Tune into what works for you and communicate that with your partner. Remember, your partner doesn’t owe you anything, but can there be a way to find something that works for both of you? Expanding what sex means to you and what feels good to you both is one way you can go about that. Partnered or not, think about the times that an intimate moment felt really good for you, what about it was working?
Let’s Do Some Reflecting:
What kind of sex is worth wanting? Think about it like this, what kind of party do you want to go to? What kind of party do you not want to go to? How do you want to feel? What do you want to do?
What gives you pleasure and what makes you happy? What do you enjoy? Why do you enjoy it?
If you don’t like it, is there something that can happen or change to make you like it?
Think about your context: What’s going on with you? How are you feeling? How are you feeling about your relationship? Where are you? Are you stressed? How are you and your partner spending time intimately?
Have you been nice to yourself today?
What You Can Put Into Action:
Practice paying attention to your daily sensations. What makes your body feel a certain way. When you’re in the shower, when you go on a walk, when you eat, when you put your clothes on, or when you give yourself a hug.
After you have an interaction with someone, ask yourself how that person or situation made you feel. Check in.
A Book to Read & an Account to Follow:
Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski: It’s written for people with vulvas. But anyone interacting with a vulva should give it a read as well.
One of Emily Nagoski’s Ted Talks if you want to check out her fun-loving, well-informed, power-female vibe.
For your viewing pleasure, I am going to recommend Van de Aarde. Could or could not ignite some spontaneous desire or maybe just some deep admiration.
🔥THINGS COMING SOON🔥
Body Talk in Motion: I am workshopping the name. But yes, I am building a dance class.
Talk it out (Group Meetings!): I am starting a female-identifying / nonbinary chit chat group! A safe space for us to talk about sexy stuff. We will meet in person and on zoom maybe this fall! If you’re interested, take this survey about what times work best for you!
Burning Questions: Venmo me, I’ll give you 15-30 min of my time. ;)
WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT! Let me know and I’ll make sure to cover it.
So well presented, loved the audio part, this could become a book someday❤️