“Dear Humorist Doling out Advice: Virgo Style”
Advice column by Colleen Markley
Read time: 10 minutes (plus videos)
Dear Humorist Doling Out Advice,
After ten years of being the stay-at-home primary caregiver for our kids, I recently went back to work. A full-time job opportunity came out of the blue and we didn’t have time to plan for new systems.
To be honest, I was also in charge of our house and the vast majority of our life stuff. Now I find myself struggling to figure it all out. My husband is helpful, the kids are helpful (ish), but it doesn’t seem to be working well. I’m still doing so much and have this sinking feeling I’m failing my family.
I also feel like I’m not leaning in enough at work to impress my new boss and work colleagues. How on earth do women balance all of this?
~ From a Cancer Crab(by) Mom, Boston, MA
Dear Cancer Crab(by) Mom,
Congratulations on the new job! That’s so awesome that you’re getting paid again. I see you and all the work you did for the last ten years with no salary, sick days, or contributions to your social security.
Side soap box: Find me a politician who will give “credit” for fulltime caregiving—of children or adults—so that the federal and state government acknowledge that work at home IS work, and you’ll have my vote. The truth is that if I hired my neighbor to care for my kid, and she hired me to care for her mom—and we swapped the same amount of money so it was a zero-sum game—THEN we’d be able to pay into social security and unemployment and all the rest. But if we do the same job for our own family, we get nothing? That’s not unseen labor … it’s unvalued. And that makes me rant.
Also, I love Boston. But I don’t love your struggle.
Hard Truths
The answer to how women balance family and work is: They don’t.
No one does.
Something always has to give.
Yet somehow, women are expected to do this while men are not even asked about how they manage being a dad in the workforce. I love the “ask me more” movement. I love when women ask interviewers if they’d ask their male counterparts the same questions about balancing a career with having children. I love when we talk about these issues.
Let’s be honest, talking is one of my superpowers. If talking were an Olympic sport, I’d be dripping in gold. (I might silver in listening, but I’m working on that).
But we need more than just conversation … especially because it’s also mostly women talking. We hold the headspace.
We can’t do it all. Despite the motivational t-shirts and mugs telling us otherwise.
I’m a total nerd, so when I’m interested in an issue, I read up on it. Not just my own personal situation of being convinced that every time my family leaves a dirty dish in the sink, they are actively trying to sabotage my entire writing career.
I love also reading about the social politics and cultural threads of how the patriarchy ruins everything—for women. Meanwhile, many men seem to be doing alright under the current system.
So, educating myself, I’ve read a bunch about how we can effect change.
I loved Fed Up—Gemma Hartley’s article (and subsequent book deal, living the dream there).
I loved Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play book and the card game that I have used with my hubby for the last three years.
Editor’s Note: Check out this trailer for a quick peek at the hard truths of what it takes to play fair in the game of life.
I don’t get any deals by promoting those authors btw – I just actually like them and want to share their work. I don’t mind that I’m not set up with affiliate links or influencer benefits (I saw Triangle of Sadness – that didn’t work out well for anyone).
Let’s Play a Game …
If you are experiencing struggle with the stuff required to run your life, I highly recommend getting Eve’s card game. Or ask your local library to buy it and start a couple’s book club so you can all talk about how there’s too much crap to do and we need to be honest about who is stressed and who is clueless.
Spoiler alert: If you think your life is running smoothly … you are either the clueless one or you are the chosen one, author-in-waiting, to help the rest of us who actually struggle.
The gist of Fair Play is that there’s a whole deck of cards with every household chore, task, and responsibility you can think of. Everything from Christmas Cards and diaper changes to life insurance premiums and the dishwasher of despair. But it’s not just about “who does this one?”—it’s also about “what’s the lowest minimum standard acceptable for this item?” Lowering the bar is my other favorite superpower. I’m not super competitive, so that’s easier for me to do. Others have a harder time with that.
When I originally bought the card deck and asked the hubs to play with me, his first question was “Okay, how do I win?”
He grew up in a house where a heated game of canasta once devolved into one uncle biting the other uncle’s big toe. Family lore is shady on whether my assumption that this happened after canasta is accurate … or if that was an argument about a different thing. The toe biting, however, is confirmed as fact. Just let that marinate for a minute as you think about how communication and conflict resolution might be shaky on that side of the family tree.
Despite my intense desire to convince my husband that “winning” the Fair Play card game meant owning all the cards, I explained it’s not the point. It’s a communication tool for making the invisible tasks visible (and if you’ve read my short story Vanishing Act, you’ll know that this is a topic I love exploring in many forms and spaces).
The Virgo Way
When I first read your letter and question, I thought … hey, a question about balance, I should wait until Virgo season ends and Libra season begins and talk about the scales and stuff since that’s all Libra-esque.
Then I decided that I should listen to the universe and answer you now. And later. Your question is so important I believe it deserves being answered twice. First, with Virgo Vibes, and then, next month, I’ll spin this question around for Libra.
So, Part One … Virgos …
Virgos are ultra-practical and strive for fixing things that are not working and generally making things in life better. Their dedication to high standards is legendary and can often be their downfall as they can appear rigid and inflexible.
So how do we take those attributes and harness them for good?
Certainly not by being rigid. Or keeping high standards. I think there’s been plenty of talk about how social media and mass media influence the way we perceive body image and beauty. I think we should talk more about housework that way too.
Karate-chopping pillows into submission for magazine-worthy staged living rooms was not an ideal I thought I should be aspiring to.
But when we see enough perfectly styled photos that look like a catalog instead of the chaos zone I live in … we start to wonder.
Am I capable of running a house that looks as warm and welcoming according to the standards of “experts” like Marie Kondo and Martha Stewart? A friend told me that Marie suggested folding clothes so the shirts stick upright into the air for your awaiting hand. I also heard she gave that up when she had a kid of her own.
Know what else works? Giving your kids permission to throw their laundry into their drawers or bins without folding it. Can we normalize wrinkles for 10-year-olds? It might help hide some of the mac and cheese they are going to drop on their chest while spooning their lunch in the overheated cafeteria. Kids are messy. So is life.
When we had our two Bernese Mountain Dogs, each weighing in over 100 pounds, our house was always a mess. Yes. They shed. They also drooled and shook their heads and then that shoelace of saliva wound up stuck to the ceiling and solidified like a stalactite of terror. The mess didn’t bring me joy. The dogs did. Most of the time. They were also a source of excellent writing material, including some new stuff that I’m excited to be sharing elsewhere sometime soon.
Sometimes life works well. Sometimes it’s a story to tell.
I appreciate that you want to still do all the things you were doing before.
But you can’t. You need to do less.
And that’s a thing that’s really hard for women, because we like to do it all.
This is especially true for Cancer Crabby Moms who love creating a welcoming home environment—it’s in your astrological DNA.
Where’s the Support, Bruh?
Society promised that we moms could have it all with the assumption we would be equals in the workforce, but we haven’t been set up for that success. Society doesn’t have the social structure supports needed for families, so I think the best thing we can do is refuse to continue doing that which is impossible.
It’s not sustainable.
It’s not healthy.
It’s not even fun.
And if I’m going to do something not healthy, why would I choose to fold laundry instead of lying in the sun soaking up vitamin D and skin cancer?
There are so many things we think we should be doing. Author Nora Roberts summed this up eloquently when she was asked about how she juggles life. She explained that the key is knowing that some balls are plastic, and some balls are glass, and knowing which ones to focus on catching (and which ones we can let drop).
Maybe we need to make a list of things we purposefully drop.
Maybe that will be what you read about next month, in Dharma Direction’s Libra edition …
Until then, do less. Not so little that someone will arrest you (no one looks good in orange). Just stop doing the things that are expected, yet unnecessary.
If anyone complains, tell them a humorist told you to. It’s the same thing as medical advice. I’ve even written you a note.
~ Humorist Doling Out Advice
Let’s laugh through life together…
The signs of the zodiac are not just about the people born into that astrological moment. Life is an easier path when we see the positive vibes from others and adopt them as our own.
Next month I’ll explore Part Two of this month’s advice as we dig into “What would a Libra do?” … when it comes to being a woman and wanting it all (or thinking you do). Onward!
Send your questions, curiosities, and hardest life problems directly to me at Colleen@ColleenMarkley.com. Also, call your therapist. Maybe you should get a second opinion.
Don't have a question right now but do have a comment, insight, or general epiphany?
Awesome!
Please share your thoughts using the comment box at the end of this post. I love hearing from (nearly) everyone. That includes you :-)
~ Colleen
Want more?
Read more from Colleen about the life skills her Virgo grandfather taught her, like swimming through fire. Click here for her essay: “Virgo Vibes - Just Jack” from the 2022 Dharma Direction Humor column.
Colleen Markley is a novelist, freelance writer, and memoir instructor living in the New York City area. Colleen’s essays and humor have appeared in multiple anthologies in print and various magazines online. She was awarded the Nickie’s Prize for humor for her essay “Unflappably Calm, Occasionally Furious, Ready and Willing to Hide the Bodies,” published in Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter.
Named the June 2021 winner of the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop Humor Writer of the Month, Colleen attempts to be funny every month as a regular contributor riffing on the zodiac for Dharma Direction. Her novel-in-progress, LILITH LAND, is a story about the end of the world where only the women survive. (It’s a novel, not an action plan.)
Find her at www.ColleenMarkley.com or sign up here for her newsletter and updates.
Visit Colleen on Instagram or Facebook. Or check out her reviews and what she’s reading on Goodreads.
The Reading Dingy … Free Floating
Disappear into a book …
The Dharma Direction tribe is all about sharing good vibes and part of the way in which we do that is through our book lists—the ones we’re reading now, others we’ll always love, and of course … the TBR pile, waiting like first-class tickets to any destination we desire.
Along with memoir, non-fiction, and various genre fiction options, we always include at least one children's book for the wee ones and a culinary option for the foodies. Check out our selections here, and then read all about them on the Dharma Direction Goodreads page.
Coming Next Week … VIRGO: Culinary Edition
Chef and Wellness Coach Candy Lesher brings an Asian-inspired recipe to the pages of Dharma Direction. Rumor has it there are some grated green apples involved—a refreshing addition to a cooling meal. Mmmmm … where’s my fork?
Publisher’s Note ~
Did you get a chance to look … and listen … to the first Dharma Direction BONUS EDITION (08.29.23)? Providing audio and visual content from our contributors through video interviews, narrated articles, and photo sharing—this free sneak peek gives y’all the chance to see what’s coming next year when we introduce Dharma’s new paid tier subscription option.
REMINDER: There will always be free content on Dharma Direction. Supporting the publication through paid subscriptions will be a future option that includes exclusive access to the additional content described above.
For now, we thank you for your support whether it comes in the form of simply stopping by to read with us, or as a free subscriber … we love you all.
Until next time … #gowiththeflow
~ Debbie Abbott, publisher/editor