What is it about wanting to share your favourite music with the person that you like? I made you guys a mixtape. By mixtape, of course, I mean an online playlist. They’re my Autumn songs from different years. I thought you might like them, like I like you ;) (all four of you!)
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Do people say autumn is a time when things die, or did I imagine it? I think that’s something people say. To me it’s always been a time of change. Not like every other season, though. In autumn everything is a little worse, but in a good way. Shorter days still seem cozy. It’s a little colder, so you can be all cute layered up. But like my mother says: “Everything in the world, every event is neutral. It’s thought that gives them meaning. And you can choose how you think.” I told her, “Mama, I think that’s what people call perspective.”
You’re free to choose however you want to feel about autumn. I know there’s people who don’t like it, I’m not mad.
Early Autumn and going back to school has always been my favourite time of year. I didn’t have friends outside of school so the prospect of hanging out with people was exciting. However, all things considered I made a bad choice of best friend at school.
Everything with us happened by the book. She got into an argument with her BFF at the time, and I passed a note to her asking if she’d like to be my BFF instead, and she was like: okay. And that was it. I thought she was the coolest person ever. We would meet up at the mall that was equidistant from our homes, have sushi, and look at clothes. She would buy endless tennis outfits, because apparently junior tennis tournaments were an absolute cesspit of cute guys, most of whom for some reason were called Vanya.
One day she decided to get the attention of a Vanya she liked and that what she had to do was a photoshoot where she’s covered in whipped cream, sitting in a bathtub. She had me take the photos. Pretty sure she was 15? I was 14, having skipped a year at school due to being such smarty pants (outgrew that already). The photos turned out ridiculous due to our lack of experience in photography, staging, or being women. She put them on her vk.ru page, then subsequently got found out by her parents. When I think about this experience I laugh, and cringe, and squint really hard thinking about the legality of the whole thing. As far as I remember, she didn’t even get into much trouble. I don’t think I would have survived something like this in our household. Events are neutral, after all.
We grew apart when I moved to England and lost touch. I realised that being an enabler isn’t probably the right career choice for me. Around this time of year I tend to wonder how she’s doing, because here’s the deal: nobody knows where she is. There is no trace of her left online. This girl had every social media account, she loved posting photos of herself. Now it’s like she never existed.
I had to google it to make sure and yes, you can do it. You can hire people that will erase every mention or image of you so you can’t be searched up. (Tempting, as googling my name returns a petition I signed 15 years ago urging Justin Bieber to Save the Dolphins.) Nobody we went to school with or any other mutual friend from that time even knows if she lives in Latvia, or England, or some other place altogether.
A girl from school I’m still in regular contact with and I have a theory that she married some sheikh who locked her away form the world. This is literally something that keeps me up at night sometimes. I’d really like to know.
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Events are neutral, so you’re always one thought away from being in a completely different situation. I remind myself all the time. What I don’t like thinking about is that it takes a strong mind to come up with that one thought. Even just remember that you can. And sometimes, you don’t want to, because being angry or sad is oh. So. Satisfying. Here’s your reminder today. You’re allowed to do that. You’re allowed to change your mind, to change your course, to step on a different path. It’s like a magic trick. One thought, and you find yourself in a completely different situation.
I’d never admit it to my mum, but I was wrong. It’s not just perspective - it’s hope.
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What is it about wanting to share your favourite music with the person you like? There’s no guarantee it will move them the same way, that it will make them feel how you feel or they will suddenly *get* you. (Not like you guys get me, of course.) Music without an audience, after all, is also just neutral.
Ooh, new stuff to listen to, thanks!