How has it only been four days?
On watching the day counter like a pot of water that never boils
I thought today was day five of sobriety but according to my sobriety day counter app, it’s only day four. This is a tough one. This time, I want to drink out of sheer boredom. There’s some anxiety in there too (always) because my roommate is moving out tomorrow, and part of me wants to be able to drink to celebrate. But I’m still in that phase where I also clearly remember that one drink is never enough and that the next thing I know, I’ll be back in my black hole.
And that’s all it really is, actually. Just a black hole succubus thing. Deep down I know that I can’t just have a drink to relax, that I can’t just have a drink to socialize, that I can’t just have a drink just because. One drink leads to several and then complete darkness.
I’m also in that phase where I am irritated by ever-y-thing. Bad drivers are always a source of irritation, but this week it’s been an absolute nightmare to deal with. My poor car is getting the brunt of it. That and it’s a thousand degrees outside.
I just have to remind myself, several times a day, that this will pass.
Earlier today I was thinking about what it would feel like to make it to one year of sobriety. I haven’t done that yet. I only made it to about 9 months as my longest stint. One year seems impossible but also something I really want to strive for. And shit, if I can be vegan for 22 years, why is it so damn hard to quit drinking?
I found this guy on Instagram, ‘pattersonperspective’, and he has these posts that are sort of cheesy (lots of dancing) but also poignant and real. He has this one post that simply says, it took me thousands of day ones and micro-failures to learn the lesson and find the way that worked for me.
That one stuck with me because I keep having so many ‘day ones’, like so many people like me do, and each time I start drinking again after a few days I feel like a piece of shit even though I know deep down the addiction is just stronger than I am on that particular day. I feel like shit because I didn’t make it past that point and I really want to.
Anyway, he’s also sort of the reason I decided to start writing here again. I stopped writing here because I don’t think anyone reads it or benefits from it, and I had started drinking again so I felt guilty about it. But then I realized, it doesn’t matter if people read it or benefit from it. I’m the one benefitting from it, and that’s what matters to me, truly. But if someone happens to come across this and say, “Huh, she has a point” or whatever, that’s great. But I do enjoy writing, always have, and so here I am. Also thanks to
for the inspiration to write how I want to write, (which is write like myself) and to be myself through it all no matter what.There are lots of things I haven’t shared here yet, simply because they are somewhat difficult to dredge up again. As I mentioned in my first post, I had a Wordpress blog that had a few posts on it, but I shut it down because someone from my past found it and used it as a way to remind me that she still doesn’t know what she did to upset me (jesus christ) and just seeing her name come through as a comment made me rehash all the terrible things she said to me that I will never forget but that she seems to have forgotten. Whether or not she finds this Substack is another question (although I blocked the hell out of her on social media on all of my accounts so it would be really strange for her to find this [she would seriously have to go out of her way to find this which is insane to me]). Wait, where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, dredging up the past. There’s suicide attempts to talk about, bad (BAD) relationships, hypnotherapy sessions, what it’s like living in Party Town U.S.A, embarrassing things I’ve done while drinking, ambulance rides, people that have ruined me, stuff like that. So it’ll take some time to dig into all of that again, but I plan to for anyone that wants to read through it.
Speaking of the past, I was at the grocery store last weekend and as I was leaving I saw this man with beautiful blonde hair walking in (toward me), perfectly coiffed blonde hair, slim and dressed in black, and before I saw the rest of his face I thought Dannnng he cute and right then I realized it was someone I used to work with (for), with whom I’d had a really strange and tumultuous relationship, and whom I hadn’t seen in years. Before I could stop it, the words, “Hi, ____” came out of my mouth. [Leaving his name out on purpose.] He mumbled in return and that was that, but I haven’t stopped thinking about him since then. Not in any romantic way (although jesus he is still gorgeous and I even muttered jesus he’s still gorgeous once I was outside the store and out of earshot) but just rehashing everything I went through with him, because of him, and how terrible my life was during that time. It was the darkest time of my life, but before things went to shit with him, he was the only ray of sunshine I had during that time. And it made me sad to think about because I remember how sweet he was to me when I needed it the most. But it went sour, boy did it sour, and I can’t let that go, either.
It’s just, shit. And, you’ve probably guessed, there was lots of alcohol involved during that time because I had no other way of coping with what I was doing for a living. We’ll get into that in due time.
So I guess this post is sort of about the past, and sort of about the future, whether that’s an hour from now or a year from now. I can for sure make it to tomorrow. Right?