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33
Joe and Daisy arrived as promised the following morning at about 11 o’clock. They had radioed ahead once they were in the air and Sally, Danny, Rachel, Tom and little Sarah were all standing on the grass strip in front of the remains of the old hangar as the flutter came in to land. Johnny Chisholm was there too, with his cart, to take them all back to the house. Sally had told him her news when she went round to see him after lunch with Danny and Rachel.
The pilot was a friend of Joe’s, a young man called Sam. Sally asked him to stay for lunch, but as he thanked her he apologised, explaining that he had to get back to Cambridge as quickly as possible as he was giving someone else a lift up to March. He seemed to be running some sort of air taxi service. Danny asked him if he needed more fuel, but Sam said he would be fine. The thermals had started to build up on the flight down and he reckoned in the gentle south south westerly breeze he’d be able to glide most of the way back to Cambridge. After they had said their goodbyes and thanked Sam for the lift, he turned and taxied the flutter into position, and took off. Once airborne he made a gentle turn to slightly north of west and headed off towards Cambridge.
They loaded up Johnny’s cart with Joe and Daisy’s bags and all climbed up onto the back. Danny sat up front on the bench with Johnny. Daisy reached across and held Sally’s hands in hers. Joe stared off over the fields of ripening wheat to the forested hills on the other side of the Stour.
When they got back to the house, Johnny unloaded the bags, and gave Sal a hug. ‘Let me know if you want anything sis, won’t you’ he muttered. Although Sally’s news had not come as a complete bolt from the blue when she had told him the afternoon before, he still seemed stunned (how alike he and Joe are, she thought), and somehow Joe and Daisy’s sudden arrival made it more real, and more shockingly immediate, for all of them. Sal herself felt it, although she also felt as if she were in the eye, was the eye, of the storm, and that although everything was rushing and roaring around her, she was quite still. She didn’t know whether that was the effect of all the keying she seemed to be doing, or possibly her walnut, as she was beginning to think of it. One of the more surprising things that Susan Gibbons had said about possible side effects of the tumour was that it might make her euphoric, or terribly depressed, or angry, or everything at the same time or in quick succession. Sally hoped it was the keying - she had more faith in that than in the mood swings of her ‘walnut’.
‘Johnny, will you come to supper with us tonight?’ Sally asked, as he climbed back up to the cart.
He looked down at her, frowning. ‘You sure Sal? Don’t you want to be alone together, now you’re all here?’
‘Oh Johnny, don’t be so silly - apart from Danny and the children, you’re all the family I’ve got. And what I’ve got to say involves you every bit as much as it does them. More so in some ways. Do come, I’d like you to. It would make me very happy.’ Sally smiled up at him, and was pleased to see something like relief, or a lifting of his spirits in his expression. She suddenly felt very strongly how lonely it must have been at times for Johnny - her happily domesticated with Danny, him alone after Mum had gone, and he had never married, had no children of his own. And she had just told him that his only living relative, his sister, would possibly be dead and gone within a matter of weeks. She reached up to him, and put her hand on his knee. He snorted and turned his head, cracked his whip and gee’d up the horse and wheeled the cart smartly out onto the road and back towards the farm.
‘Shall we have lunch in the garden?’ Danny suggested cheerfully. It seemed strange to him that such a sad occasion for a family reunion might actually be fun, but somehow it was. They were all together again, apart from Frank. Suddenly he missed his father, although here in his house, it often felt as if he was here with them. Parents, children, their first grandchild; a beautiful summer’s day, the garden green and lush and full of flowers, not yet burnt brown and dry by the July and August sun - that always depressed him.
Sally suddenly realised it was the first time that Joe and Daisy had seen the house, or the village. She turned to them both - ‘Let me show you your rooms, and then the house.’ She looked at Rachel and Tom - ‘Would you mind? Could you help Dad get lunch ready?’ They both nodded. Joe and Daisy picked up their bags and followed Sally into the kitchen, through the house and up the single steep flight of stairs. She gave Joe the funny bedroom opposite theirs, whose floor sloped so much it felt as if you might be thrown out of the window and onto the patch of grass below. She gave Daisy the big back bedroom, under the eaves of the gable that looked on to the garden and up the track heading east towards Little Horkesley and the sea.
‘Now, is there anything you need? Would you like a shower? Or come down for a drink in the garden?’
‘Everything’s fine Mum, don’t fuss’ they said, almost in unison. ‘We’ll be down in a minute. A drink would be perfect’ Daisy said, leaning in to Sally and giving her a warm hug. Joe stepped up and into his room and flung his small bag on the bed. He turned round and grinned.
‘It’s funny, it feels so familiar, it’s like I’ve been here before’ he said.
‘Well I suppose Dad must have talked about the house, and when he was growing up here with his dad’ Daisy said ‘but you’re right, it really feels like home, like somewhere we’ve always known about. The furniture and stuff helps of course’ which was true, Sally realised, pretty much everything they had in the house they had brought down from The Elms, pictures and curtains and lamps and comfortable dumpy old armchairs, still covered in the same material she had found when they first moved in to The Elms. She didn’t remember Danny talking much about growing up in the village, but then he would not have done with her, it was their common childhood, and he could well have done when he was off with the children, or had been left alone with them.
Before they sat down to their lunch, Sally made it clear she didn’t want them to talk about her ‘walnut’. ‘I’d like to leave what I want to say until this evening’ she said, smiling, trying to keep her tone light, ‘when Uncle Johnny’s here with us. Right now, I just want to hear all your news’ and she looked at Daisy and Joe as she spoke. Everyone nodded as they took their places around the table that was loaded with food. Sally was a bit startled by the quantity and variety - she was quite sure most of it had not come from her larder.
Joe told them about his new job. He was in his final year at University, finishing his engineering and aeronautics degree. During the holidays he had started working for a small company based at Marshalls Airfield, which manufactured components for the latest generation of flutters. They had promised him that provided he got a decent degree he was guaranteed a job with them; he was very excited and Danny and Sally both congratulated him.
‘OK, so how is Annie? You haven’t spoken about her at all. Are you still together?’ Sally asked.
‘Oh yes Mum, she’s fine. And she sends her love - she was so sorry to hear your news.’
‘Have you got any plans?’
‘Oh Mum don’t be silly, I haven’t even finished University and nor has Annie. We’ll think about it soon enough.’
‘So does that mean you’re serious? Do you think you might get married?’
‘Well I love her very much. The way things are, yes, I think I’ll ask her once I’m settled in my job.’
Daisy was still working at the university but she said that she was thinking of moving on. She had been in the job since she had taken her degree and and she didn’t want to get stuck in a rut. She felt that if she stayed there much longer she might never leave.
‘And have you got any one at the moment?’ Sally asked.
‘Well, yes there is someone but I only met her a few weeks ago’ Daisy answered. ‘She’s called Jude. She works on a biodynamic experimental farm out near Bourne.’
Danny and Sally were surprised; they had had no idea that Daisy was gay. She had had boyfriends when she was younger. They remembered Josh, Matt Ridley’s son but, as Danny realised with a start, that had been nearly fifteen years ago and, now he thought about it, Daisy had always been very discreet about her love life. They met her friends from time to time but it was hard for Danny to remember if Daisy had ever introduced them to someone special.
‘Bourne is a bit far away isn’t it?’ asked Sally.
‘It’s not so bad . . . Jude stays on the farm at the weekends during the week, but she always comes back home to Cambridge for the weekends and I am so busy at work it’s quite nice for me to be on my own during the week. And it is very early days. We’re just feeling our way.’
‘It would be nice to meet her’ said Danny. ‘Perhaps you could ask her around for a meal when mum comes up to Cambridge to say goodbye to her friends?’
‘Oh yes’ said Daisy ‘that’s a great idea. I would really like you to meet her. I think you’ll like her. She’s a country girl really and finds Cambridge a bit of a strain I think. If it wasn’t for me she would just as soon stay on the farm all the time.’
‘Well how on earth did you meet?’ said Sally.
Daisy laughed. ‘The university sent me out to Bourne to check out the farm. They wanted us to do some research to improve their yields so I was asked to do an inspection and prepare a report. Jude was my guide while I was there and put me up in her house. We just hit it off straight away really; I’m very fond of her.’
‘Oh that’s lovely’ said Sally. ‘I’m so pleased for you.’
When they had finished lunch and all the dishes had been cleared away Sally said she was going upstairs for a rest. Rachel took Joe and Daisy over to her house to admire all Dad’s and Johnny’s and Tom’s hard work. Tom was at home and was happy to look after little Sarah so Rachel took Joe and Daisy down into the valley to walk along the river towards Wiston. It was a lovely hot summer afternoon so when they reached the old mill, they stripped off and dived in for a swim. Afterwards, they lay on the bank on a patch of short grass drying themselves and sunbathing in the hot afternoon sunshine. They started to talk about their mother’s ‘walnut’.
Joe and Daisy asked Rachel about Sally’s symptoms as Sally said it was still very early days and it was hard to judge how badly she had been affected by the tumour or of course how bad it might get and how quickly Sally might deteriorate. They asked Rachel about her treatment.
‘Honestly guys, I really don’t know anymore than you. It has all happened so quickly and I have hardly had a chance to talk to Mum. That’s what this evening is about I guess. That she and Dad are going to tell us what they are planning, maybe what they want us to do. We’ll just have to wait till then.’
All three of them were in a strange mood. Shocked of course to hear Sally’s news and upset, but somehow also almost light-headed, euphoric even. There was something in Sally and Danny’s responses and reactions that reassured them, that made them somehow feel everything would turn out for the best.
After a while, when they were dry, they got dressed again and walked up the path to Little Horkesley and then along the track heading west back to the house and the village. When they reached the house, Rachel turned into her garden, and Joe and Daisy went into their parents’ house. There was no sign of Frank or Sally, so they made themselves a cup of tea and went up to their rooms to rest.
Frank and Sally had got up and gone out for a long walk. They came back at about five o’clock and as there appeared to be nobody about began to prepare things for the evening meal. It was warm enough and light enough that they could comfortably eat outside, so Frank set up the trestle table and put out enough chairs for them all. Sally got out her favourite tablecloth and the plates and cutlery they would need and carried them out on a tray to the garden. After half an hour or so Daisy came downstairs and joined them and Sally went back into the kitchen to start preparing the food. A little later Joe came downstairs as well, rubbing his eyes and yawning.
‘I don't know why I’m so tired’ he said ‘it must be all this fresh air and exercise’ he said as he came into the kitchen.
Sally laughed. ‘You’re such a city boy’ and she put an affectionate arm around his shoulders. ‘I am so happy that you’ve come, just sad that there may not be many more days like this . . .’ her voice tailed off and she turned back to carry on chopping the onions, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand and pushing her hair off her face. She was making a large Irish stew for their supper.
‘Is there anything I can do?’ Joe asked.
‘No, thank you Joe, I’m fine here and Daisy is helping me anyway. Why don’t you go into the garden and see if your dad needs any help.’
Joe walked out of the back door and around to where Frank had set up the table. He found him sitting in a deck chair with a glass of beer.
‘Hi Joe, how are you? Did you have a nap? Would you like a beer?’
‘I’m fine thanks Dad. We had a nice swim down at the river. And yes, I’d love a beer. But isn’t there anything else that needs doing?’
‘Not really. Get yourself a beer and come back and have a natter.’
Joe went back into the house and found a tankard and filled it from the beer barrel Frank kept on the go in the shed. He picked up a deckchair he found leaning against the wall, and carried it back with him to where Frank was sitting. They sat together on the lawn just to the right of the old walnut tree gazing into the afternoon sun that hung over the western horizon and the old airfield, where he and Daisy had landed that morning.
‘How are things in Cambridge?’ Frank asked ‘. . . and how are you getting on with your degree? Any problems?’
‘Everything’s fine I think’ said Joe ‘although I must admit I’ve been so busy keeping my head down and focusing on my coursework and preparation for finals; and then, when I do have any spare time I mostly spend it up at the airfield working at the company’s factory.’
‘What are you doing there?’
‘Oh, just pottering about, mostly. I help out with things where I’m needed, but I’ve got a project on the go, and they’re very good, they give me lots of help and advice and I think they’re genuinely interested in what I’m trying to do.’
‘What’s that then?’
‘Well, I’ve been working with some new experimental design software at the university, and it’s come up with an interesting idea for a new type of aircraft - a complete change from the flutter concept. It looks very strange, hard to believe it will even fly. But the design engine was targetted to look for a more efficient set up - so we can carry bigger payloads, and be a lot more fuel efficient. If this concept is viable, it could replace a lot of the heavy lifting we do with the airships, and of course we could go a lot further and faster. We could start carrying serious payloads right across Europe, all the way to the Aegean, without having to land or re-fuel.’ Danny nodded, understandingly. It was still impossible to land safely anywhere in Europe. The Pale had tried to establish a base in southern France, and then on one of the larger islands in the western Mediterranean, but on both occasions they had been overwhelmed by local bandits, and the Pale had had to withdraw, losing many men and women and a lot of expensive materiel in the process. But the Aegean, especially Naxos and Crete, was settled, and friendly to the Pale. At the moment they relied on airships to provide transport and freight to and from the islands, but the airships were slow, and expensive, and quite weather dependent. Because there was nowhere safe to land, apart from England at one end, or Crete and Naxos at the other, they had lost several airships over the years.
‘Anyway’ Joe continued ‘I thought it would be useful if I could turn the design that the system had come up with into a working prototype, just a scale model you understand, but big enough to prove the concept and also to work out what we would have to do to mass produce the new design. So that’s what I’m doing at my company and as I say they’ve really been very helpful and supportive.’
‘So how’s it going then? The prototype I mean’ Frank asked.
‘Well so far, fine’ Joe said, sounding a little surprised. ‘As I said, the design and the overall shape looked so extraordinary when I first saw it I couldn’t figure out how we could make it. ‘That’s the point really about trying to build a prototype. That way we can maybe figure out different techniques for building the airframe and the control surfaces. And then there’s the controls themselves. They’re pretty wacky, they make flutters look like children’s toys.’
‘So I guess you won’t be leaving Cambridge anytime soon?’ Frank asked.
‘No’ Joe said laughing, ‘not unless I make a test flight to Naxos. That sounds like a nice place . . . but I suppose you were thinking of mum.’
‘Yes, I was, really.’
‘Dad, how long has she got? Do you have any idea?’
‘No, I’m afraid not. Dr Gibbons said it could be weeks, but it might be months. She might have years left - we just don’t know. But let’s not talk about that now. I think your mum wants to talk about it all this evening when everybody is here. ‘You must be doing your finals pretty soon aren’t you?’
‘Yeah, next week.’ Joe shrugged. ‘Doesn’t seem very important now tho’ . . .’
‘Will that be OK, what with you coming down here?’
‘Oh yes, it should be fine. I’ve really done all my revision, and all my projects are handed in. I’m just reading up on stuff, taking it easy really. I feel pretty confident; I will honestly be very surprised if I don’t get a reasonable pass and I think the company will too. That’s the good thing about having worked for them for so long, they’ve seen me in action and they know what I’m capable of. If I do make a complete cock up of the papers I know that they will give me a job of some kind. So, yeah, I’m not worried about it, I think it will be fine.’
‘Well, that’s good to hear. How soon will you get your results?’
‘Oh, should be pretty quick, a few days they reckon. There are not many of us on the course so the marking won’t take too long.’
‘Could you come down and see us again after you finished your exams?’
‘Yes, sure, that’ll be no problem. The company’s quietening down for the summer and I’m sure they’ll understand, about Mum I mean. And anyway I think I deserve a holiday and now I’ve seen how nice it is here perhaps I’ll be able to persuade Annie to come down and we can have a holiday here. Do some exploring, go to the seaside. And while we are here we can help you and Mum. And I would like Annie to spend some time with Mum, they don’t really know each other.’
‘She knows her a lot better than I do’ Frank said, lugubriously.
Frank and Joe carried on chatting for a while. Daisy and Sally came out from the kitchen with drinks in their hand and Joe went off to get some chairs, then Rachel and Tom came over from their side of the road with little Sarah asleep in a moses basket, and soon after that Uncle Johnny appeared carrying a large bottle of pale amber coloured liquid.
‘Sam’s whisky’ Johnny said as he walked into the garden. ‘I haven’t tried it yet but Sam assures me it’s not poisonous.’ Johnny planted the bottle on the trestle table and Frank got up to get him a chair and a glass. It was now about seven o’clock in the evening. Sally said that the stew would be ready in about an hour and went back into the kitchen to get some nibbles.
When she returned, and she’d given bowls of various things to Joe and Daisy to hand round, she stood by the trestle table, and picked up a spoon, and clinked it on a glass. Everyone looked towards her.
‘I hope you don’t mind’ she said, smiling and looking around at all of them, ‘but we have a bit of time to kill before we eat and I would like to say a few things to you about what has happened. Obviously Frank and I have already talked about this but I wanted to share with you what he and I feel and what I’m intending to do.’
‘As you know Susan Gibbons cannot give us any clear idea of how much more time I may have. So I’m afraid that I am going to assume the worst and just be grateful if that doesn’t happen. I want you all to be very clear about one thing. I have no desire to live at any cost. Apart from the possible physical effects of my tumour which may be severe and may come on quite suddenly there could obviously be mental symptoms as well. I do not want to spend my last days with you as a dribbling cripple. Dad has NDE pills which he brought with us from Cambridge and when I think the time is right I am going to take one. All being well I will be able to give you enough warning so that you can come and say goodbye or stay with me at the end but it may be very sudden, and of course I have to be sufficiently compos to be able to make my desires known at that time. I do not want to put any of you into a difficult legal situation. I suppose it is just possible that I take the pill and do what Mum did - she took it and then decided to come back. Maybe I will lose my nerve or maybe for some reason I can’t imagine I will think I should stick with it to the bitter end. If I do I hope I will not be too much of a burden to you all. Danny, do you want to say anything?’
Danny stood up and walked over to where Sally was standing. He took a moment to look at each of them, and then cleared his throat. He hoped he would not break down in front of them. Somehow, Sally stating so clearly to them all what up until then they had only spoken about alone together made it real. In a few days, or weeks, she might be gone.
‘Sal and I have been together for most of our lives. I really can’t imagine how I could carry on without her. So when we found out what had happened to her, and she told me what she wanted to do, naturally I was devastated. I didn’t want to carry on on my own, without her.’ Danny turned to Sally, and put his arm around her, ‘and I wasn’t very brave about it, not like your mum. I just broke down. My first reaction was just to go with her, to take the pill when she took it, and not come back. To be honest, it’s still very raw, very fresh, and I don’t feel much different now. So I want to tell you where I am, what I feel now . . . maybe I will feel differently in a few days, or weeks, if we have that long . . . but maybe not. I suppose, what I want, is to ask you all for your understanding, permission, if you like, to leave with Mum, when she decides to go, if that is what I want to do . . .’ Danny tailed off, looking around at his children and brother in law. He could see that Rachel and Daisy were teary eyed. Joe looked grim. But of them all, Johnny seemed the most upset.
Joe stood up. ‘Dad, as far as I’m concerned, you can do whatever you want. We’re all grown up now, and you and Mum have done your best for us, so we don’t need you, in a material sense. And of course we’re all desperately sad about Mum, and there’s nothing we can do about that, other than to help and support you both through this.’ Joe looked at his sisters, who both nodded. ‘But it’s different with you - you’re our dad, and if Mum goes, you’re all that’ll be left to us. I know I’m not around very much, but knowing you are here, that there’s a home I can come back to, means a lot to me. I don’t want you to go . . . but I can’t imagine what it must be like for you, to even think about losing the woman you love, that you’ve lived with for most of your life, and shared so many adventures and highs and lows with . . . so I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t want you to leave us, but if you feel you have to, I completely understand.’ Joe stopped, and looked at Daisy and Rachel. They both looked up at him, and then at Danny, and then all three of them got to their feet and walked over to where Danny and Sally were standing, and they all just hugged each other, moaning quietly. Sally reached up and stroked each of her children’s heads, tears streaming down her face. Eventually they separated, and returned to their chairs, a little sheepishly.
Johnny was sitting next to Sally. He reached over and put his hand on her knee. She patted his hand and smiled at him. ‘Are you alright, Johnny? This doesn’t seem very fair on you, we’re our only family after all, you’ll be completely alone once I’m gone’ as she said this there was a sort of communal intake of breath, a sigh; it was the first time that anyone had baldly stated that Sally was going to die, no ifs or maybes about it. ‘You’ve said nothing, really, since we found out about the tumour . . .’
‘Nothing I could say, sis, really, except how sorry I am, for you, for all of you . . . I just want you to know’ he turned and looked around at them all, ‘all of you to know, that I’ll do anything I can to help . . . I just feel so helpless, useless really, that there’s nothing I can do. But whatever you decide, both of you,’ he looked at Danny, and paused before continuing, ‘I completely support. Yes, I’m alone, but I’ve been alone all my life, off with my mates in the woods when we were living here, and then my time in the Army, and coming back here on my own again; I’m sort of used to it now. I don’t mind admitting it, I was gutted when I found out. I was just so pleased when you two decided to come back here, really hoped you’d make a go of it and decide to stay; almost for the first time in our lives, that we would be together again, sharing the life here, bringing the village back to something like it used to be. So to lose you both will be a blow. But we all have to go sometime, and we’ve had a lot of luck over the years; any one of us, almost any time, could have been killed, like young Frank, or had some accident, like Dad, or got some horrible disease that no-one could fix. But we haven’t. We’ve had good, full, satisfying lives - you’ve brought your children into the world, we’ve seen everything change and start to get better; we’re living in a world we couldn’t have dreamed of when we were here, forty years ago . . . so there’s nothing to complain about, really, deep down. I don’t know how long I’ve got, but I’ll survive, and these guys will be here, or somewhere, and their children, and their children’s children . . . life does go on, and half the battle of growing old is getting used to the idea that the world is going to carry on without me . . . so I’ll just have to get used to carrying on without you, for a little while. I can follow you, Sal, wherever you’re going, whenever I like; I’m as free as a bird, there’s no-one else I need to worry about. I’ll miss you, sure, but as long as I’m fit and healthy, and people here need me, I’m happy to stay . . . but I am going to miss you.’ Johnny’s voice started to crack, and Sally stood up and put her arms around him, and held him like that for a long time. Finally, Johnny gently unpicked her embrace, and kissed her gently on the cheek, and sat down again.
Danny said, ‘I think I need a drink. How’s the food doing?’ to no-one in particular, and everyone got up and started bustling about. Sally and the two girls walked back to the kitchen, and Danny poured drinks for himself and Johnny and Joe, and they dragged the chairs over and placed them around the table. The sun was below the horizon now, but it was still light enough to eat, and warm. The women walked back from the kitchen carrying trays and bowls of food, and set them down on the table.
Over the meal, everyone’s mood gradually lifted, until by the end Johnny was singing loud, maudlin folk songs and everyone was joining in with the choruses. Danny brought out lamps and candles, and they sat on in the warm summer night air until after midnight.