I've been scared as h*ll
A story of overcoming fear of judgement and how the perfect timing doesn't exist
If you read my about page you may know that I’ve always wanted to be a writer. To write is almost an inherent part of who I am. It’s a way to organise my thoughts and feelings. Yet, I’ve let it slide away like when you walk on a slippery banana peal (or at least how it goes in kid cartoons…)
My husband has continouously pushed me to write more through the years. I’ve made numerous attempts.
To be honest, I started this writing venture that I now refer to as the “Follow your gut” newsletter close to 10 times. It has had different names every time too. And been on different platforms.
For some reason, to choose the name and nail down a focus has taken years to overcome. I mention this briefly in the first article on “How to know what to prioratise”.
Last night, my always supportive husband, got a bit upset.
Yep, he was frustrated at me for not just getting on with it.
“Why do you keep changing all the time? JUST WRITE. The rest will fall into place”.
He is right of course.
Especially with the experience of growing our first creative online business over the past 7 years I don’t know why I haven’t been able to follow my own bl**dy advice.
There has always been other things coming in the way. Mothering mostly.
My youngest daughter just turned 9 months and I’m slowly getting my feet back on the ground.
I know it won’t be easy but I’m done waiting.
If there’s anything the past years has taught me it’s that the perfect timing will never come.
Ironically, I wasn’t too bothered by perfect timing when it came to love and family. We were blessed to meet each other young, marry young and have babies young, which to the outside world was a HUGE deal.
I quickly discovered that nobody really cares about what you do until you have kids and then everyone cares to give their two cents of how you should raise those kids (even if you never asked for it…)
Add to that becoming first time parents in 2020, the year the uncertainty hit and everything got put on its head.
Are we going to be able to keep running our online business?
Can we ever go travelling again?
Are we ok with how things are developing?
How will this impact our children?
What happened to freedom?
What do we do now?!
I’m starting to have a feeling that it’s the emotional turmoil of the last few years that threw my confidence a ball.
Or… I’ll be real honest…
I’ve been scared as h*ll
To run an online business is like running on a threadmill where the stop button is broken. Shit snowballs real quickly, both for good and for bad.
When we first went viral in 2016, it was amazing at first. We even got a taste of what fame involved as we got recognized on the streets in Paris at multiple instances.
At the time it was fun. I was only in my early twenties. We lived in a tiny rooftop studio in Paris - all was exciting.
Our audience grew and so did our income and work proposals. In 2019 we spent 10 days stitching on the luxurious Hèrmes scarves during one of their big events.
But with 2020 so came more judgement and hate into every aspect of the world, including our little safe space.
For reasons I still don’t understand more than jealousy, we (or shall I say my husband) received a lot of hateful messages. His name had been put on a female mob list with men to go after. And oh they came…
For context, we run an online art academy focused on modern embroidery art. And apparently they didn’t think he belonged there, that he took attention from this women’s craft.
At 39 weeks pregnant some in the space, whom we had helped grow their audiences and business prior to these events, began circulating false rumours and calling me all kinds of crazy things. All which, if you consider yourself a feminist in favour of women, should never be said to another woman (let alone someone who’s just about to give birth!).
It throwed me off. Completely. And honestly… I think I never recovered.
My relationship to Instagram has never been the same. Naturally having a newborn and soon toddler isn’t exactly the recipy for more time and professional advancement. But I just couldn’t find back the joy for sharing my art that I ones had.
It was even difficult to talk abotu the instance to our community as it was so hard to grasp. Everything was false and it felt like we’d just end up entangling ourselves into something unpleasant if we began to justify things that didn’t need any justifications because they simply weren’t true.
It took over 3 years…
To some degree, the hate was a blessing in disguised as it showed that our business wasn’t affected by decreased social media presence.
I would’ve never guessed or even dare to try to stop had this not happen. It also solidified our decision to not share our children online.
So, all good right? What’s the fuss about?
Despite my growing desire to take back writing and share my experiences and reflections, I began to turn inwards.
I didn’t dare to share anything too personal, because what if someone would come hating on me. Would I be able to deal with it?
With the massive sleep deprivation that comes with having babies + continous turbulence around the world, I decided I couldn’t.
It took me over 3 years to come to the conclusion that I now don’t care.
I am who I am and I am who I want to be.
You cannot be liked by everyone and if you try you’ll end up being liked by no one. If you have something to say, say it. And if it turns out that many people resonate, the haters will soon trickle in whether you want it or not.
Like many other online personalities say: Haters is a sign that you made it. That whatever you do is having an impact.
So, here we are. At last. On Substack. I hope you’ll join me.
Everything worthwhile starts with courage
I'm glad I saw your name here! Although I am 63, I relate in many ways. Also 2020 was absolutely the year to make it or break it. I too wanted to retreat forever. Then the "I Am." I photographed a wall in 2019 with that written on it. A sign. "I Am. Amen." Glad you are doing you! 💫