I used to be afraid of God’s will. And that’s because, ultimately, I was afraid of God. I didn’t believe God had my best interests at heart. I believed God was out to punish me if I didn’t perform well. “God’s will” was used against me. And yet, despite the trauma of spiritual abuse, at the bottom of my heart was hope that God was, in fact, Good.
I didn’t have much to go on but deep down inside me there was a spark of faith. I couldn’t stop believing in God so I just kept living with the quiet knowledge of some Presence, some Goodness in the world that cared about me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about God’s will recently and how it’s not hard to find, it’s just that my self will so often gets in the way. My ideas about how things should go, my plans and wishes, my thoughts about how I can get my way.
It’s exhausting trying to manage everything. I’ve felt the kind, gentle touch of God asking me to let go of things, to stop barging around forcing everything to my will. I know now that my urge to control things is based in trauma, in the unmet needs of a child who so desperately wanted love and acceptance.
People tried to ruin God for me. But God broke through.
And I trust Him now. He’s proven Himself to me. I can surrender my will to His because I know He loves me unconditionally. He has the best plans for me. It’s like placing my hand in His. Like a child, looking up and trusting He knows the best way Home.
There is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out fear. I John 4:18
I feel this so much. I used to believe that God dangled my deepest desires in front of me only to be all too ready to rip them away if I didn’t surrender enough. With enough time and growth I realized that it delighted God to see me delighted.
I was talking with a friend who came out of fundamentalism. She said “God is so much better than we were taught.” That keeps ringing in my heart. So much better. ❤️