Among those in my closest circles, there is a waking up to the recognition of where we have developed some sort of victim-y blame-game mindset (by way of media, culture, our economy) - of allowing something or someone Out There to determine how we feel about ourselves, our circumstances, even the hardships + traumas that feel very real – and the work of bringing that power back in. This means taking full responsibility of our lens and how we are choosing to interpret the dramas going on around us (:: emotional awareness/intelligence ::) and our choices around our time + energy (from the imperceptible to the big-life ones) that elevate the experience of what it means to be alive. From my sisters + brothers of both blood and soul family, to my intimate relationship with him, with her, to my son –
Show me – tell me -- the ways that you are learning to love, honor, respect, listen to yourself so that i may show up + offer a unique-to-you elixir of my love and support --- from the places within me where i am also exploring these brave new territories. What are you in the practice of? What tired pattern – of anxiety, of self-abandonment, of addiction – are you on the path of healing? What are you reframing in your world? How are you choosing to respond differently? In what ways are you nurturing your entire Being? What does that look like for you today, and is there any way that i can support you in these pivots, these new pattern-interrupts?
To use some different language, a phrase that was dropped into my lap decades ago now from my older sister: Whatever you want for you, i want for you.
That expression has largely lived in relation to an external ‘thing,’ some kind of goal or achievement or acquiring. Some kind of hustle. It is, however, a version of the same sentiment. To give one another full permission to feel into, step into, act upon what is true for them.
This all sounds fine and dandy, right? Of course we want to give this to others, especially those we love so much. Sign me up!
But what if That Which Is True for someone somehow rubs up against what you want, what you believe is “right,” the role that you have become attached to, identified with, in relation to them? Can you still give them that space? Are you still ‘you’ if that person leaves or chooses a path that alters your position in their life?
This space of next-level love demands a continual face-off with our ego.
It asks that we don’t take things personally. Which, as far as i can tell, is one of the most unconscious and insidious plagues that exists in human relations. When we realize that a person’s behavior/reaction/attitude/choice etc. is a reflection of their own inner mindscape and everything that is their unique-to-them perception of the world (via conditioning, lived experiences, ancestral trauma etc.), and actually has nothing to do with us, we can soften and (eventually) detach ourselves from the emotional charge within us that wants to say “You don’t love/want/like/need me! Or “I am to blame; this ___ that you did/said is (somehow) my fault and is a reflection of my value and inherent lovability.”
That is the voice of the small self, friends. That is the voice of the ego that thrives on (requires!) that one’s sense of worth, love, purpose lives in the reflection of another. A spouse. A lover. A co-worker or boss. A friend. A parent. A child.
i ask myself: How much of my perceived need to be in the company of, be in partnership with, be in the role/position of, even (and this one can be sneaky, my fellow do-gooders) be in service to – is just that ego part of me that requires external validation of my innate preciousness, my divinity? (ppssst, this divinity is You as well, sweet soul-in-a-meatsuit). i personally don’t think validation is an evil thing; the shift happens when we can develop self-validating practices and balance that with acute awareness for the moments and the frequency in which we find ourselves reaching outside ourselves for affirmation of our Goodness. Sometimes i feel like the word ‘corroboration’ is an accurate synonym for when i’m feeling the healthy-er validation ‘reach’ come over me, like, am i alone in this perception?
(This is a lot to chew on; i know. Stay with me)
So in this loving space that i desire to offer another, this space of permission and encouragement to feel into their own sovereignty -- even as i sense a human close to me step into their further-empowered state (i mean, hello - YAY for this!), i can sometimes feel my own ego respond, signals of the threads of attachment I have to how something is played out, or the way i think/feel they ‘should’ show up, or (mostly): how my role/place in their life is potentially being threatened.
This is WILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE, folks, and is why this work is so fucking hard and not many go ‘seeking’ it, yet invariably must be faced if we are to become fully conscious beings. In these moments when my ego is grasping for validation, i feel tenseness in my entire body, my jaw locks up, + i can shut down completely. This work asks that i stay aware of these bodily cues (we can go ahead and call them triggers) and see them as information about where i am (still! [insert deep annoyed sigh]) getting caught up in the tricks of the ego. To (as swiftly as possible!!) move into practices that bring me back to the present moment (breath, moving my body, and nature immersion being the big ones), and the ways that i know i want to show up – for myself and for this human. i am mindful about the ways my own reactions (read: desires, hopes, ideas and experiences) might, however subtly or unconsciously, be projected on this person as a way to influence their decision-making or could ‘make’ them feel. This can energetically muddy the waters of their own internal clarity + their ability to connect with what they know is best for them…which of course is ultimately only serving my own insecurity and false sense of self. Perhaps you’ve heard of guilting and shaming…?
This space, this offering i wish to give and this energy i desire to embody asks that i practice
Being ok with Whatever Happens.
Making peace with Whatever This Human Chooses.
Entertaining [and finding friendliness, acceptance with] All Possible Timelines.
Yes – even the ‘bad’ or ‘unfortunate’ ones. It asks that i release, allow, let go of whatever fear-based control my ego thinks that i ‘need’ to have and/or assert.
This space says, energetically – “i trust that you are making the exact-right choice for yourself, where you are positioned, with all that you are balancing, managing, what you are feeling in your body, what feels most aligned for you right now.” i am learning that this level of authentic trust, this gift of freedom, must come from a place of “i can offer this generous space to you because i am giving that to myself. i am practicing the deep listening (:: solitude, quiet, presence ::) that is necessary to connect to my own self-Trust so that i may attune to choices that serve my higher Self in the highest Good (we’re talkin’ integrity here, people) which ripples out into the field of my human connections.”
To my fellow recovering people-pleasers: there is a certain getting-over the perception of this work being selfish. i know you are nearly broken with all your bending. i know you are exhausted in chasing the approval we’ve been programmed to ‘get’ so we can feel ok/worthy/wanted. i know that letting people down is also wildly uncomfortable, and creating + maintaining boundaries can feel hella-scary.
And:
Can you see, or begin to see, that when we prioritize the nurturing of ourselves, when we listen to what we need for our own well-Being, when we let go of pleasing others and learn how to please and take care of ourselves (and truly understand that this is an inside job that nobody can ‘do’ for you), it changes the vibration within your body, the quality of your relationships with others, the vibrancy of your life that is Now? That by stepping into this realm of self-love it gives off the permission-slip-frequency to others to do the same, aka, empowers them?
It does.
Also, i want to note here: this process – of calling back your power, of recalibration, of self-honoring — will likely bring up some unexpected emotions. Grief. Anger. Confusion. Hurt. Betrayal. When we awaken to the ways in which our power has been taken from us and/or when we have unconsciously (yet willingly) given it away, when we realize we’ve been told to allow ourselves to be messed with in some (sometimes really fucked up) ways, it can be really hard. Try and be soft with yourself. Try and wrap that version of you up in compassion for all that you knew at the time, whether that’s the eight-year-old you, or just earlier today. It’s important to feel all of it, though. This practice of self-honoring asks that all parts of you are acknowledged, tended to, accepted and loved, tenderly encouraging us to feel into the Wholeness That We (Already) Are. Finding deeply supportive humans to help you on this journey may also be called for – friends who are on their own similar path, or a trusted guide, therapist, or coach.
Here's the thing: Now is Now, and Now is never too late.
To give this gift – to ourselves and then in turn to another – is the ultimate expression of Love.
(If you needed the permission, here you go – from me to you with all the next-level love i’ve got.)