Over the last few months, I’ve created a daily practice of meditation and yoga. I’ve noticed lots of changes because of this new routine, and the most noticeable so far is my new ability to actually have and recall dreams.
Lately, thanks to this new-to-me phenomenon, I’ve been dreaming three or four times a week about my first love. They aren’t horrible dreams. The same thing doesn’t happen in each one, he’s just always in them, and I experience warm feelings that draw me to him. I wake up with that tender, young, yearning feeling I had back then when I was 14 years old.
The thing is, I’m happily married (for fifteen years this week) and don’t want to wake up and hug my husband while managing emotions I felt about someone I haven’t seen or thought about in well over twenty years.
If you’re like me and have experienced a particularly strong or recurring dream, you might start by telling your friends, family, co-workers, and strangers, to see if they have any thoughts. (They never do). Then, you’ve googled it, to see if there is something your brain, God, or the universe is trying to tell you. You’ve discovered most people dream about falling, being chased, ending up naked somewhere. Your research likely concluded with learning that most people simply just dream about their life experiences or concerns (Bleh! Boring and unhelpful!) so you move on with your life.
One morning, after another of those “first love” dreams, I listened to a meditation on the Calm App called “Closure.” I wondered if maybe my dreams were caused by my subconscious needing closure, even though I thought that my eighth-grade relationship ended rather adorably romantic. I was curious, however, and wanted to find a way to give my dream world some peace.
I decided to write a letter (never to be delivered) to my first love.
While writing it, I felt ridiculous, but also noticed my heart softening as I remembered the cute, teenage moments and the overly detailed journal entries that followed them. I remembered specific sensations: the sharp and bristly hairs back of his neck, how he always tasted like gum, and the soft, amused way he looked at me. I remembered things about who he was then: easy-going, quick to smile, gentle and accepting. I even remembered how mind-blowing and amazing it felt that he still wanted to kiss me even after I got braces and an ankle cast put on in the same week! Like, OMG, you guys!
But you know what strong emotion came up that surprised me the most during this letter writing process? The feeling of safety. I didn’t realize it then, but at 14, I felt completely safe and at ease to be myself with this boy.
A few days later, I brought up the dream situation with my therapist I’ve been seeing for pretty much a decade. I wanted her thoughts on what it meant and why this was happening. She listened to my angst and bewilderment about the dreams, while squirming and squeezing her lips together. “Em, I have thoughts!” she burst out with a laugh over Skype. “I’m trying so hard to keep them in! I have ideas and hunches about these dreams!”
(By the way, these kind of therapy sessions are my favorite. They start out light and fluffy, but by the end we get deep and dig into the real heart and mess of the matter).
The first thing she told me was that she didn’t think the dreams were happening because I needed closure.
“Dreams are symbolic metaphors for the unconscious,” my therapist explained. “They aren’t meant to be taken literally. It’s more about what the dream symbolizes to you.”
She then shared her guess as to why I was having these dreams:
Based on the work we’ve been doing together the last few months, combined with the meditation and yoga I’ve been practicing daily since January, she felt the dreams had more to do with my newfound feelings of internal safety and how I feel about myself.
The wild thing is, I didn’t tell her the strong feelings of safety I felt while writing the letter, until after she said this to me! WHAT! We both laughed at the strangeness of the coincidence. Though odd, it confirmed to me that her theories and thoughts were on the right path.
She then went on to explain how the feelings of safety connect my present and the past:
“You’ve been creating safer internal space to feel all your feelings. You’ve been doing lots of work of reconnecting and falling in love with yourself, so your unconscious is sort of re-experiencing and bringing up those early, sweet feelings from the past (excitement and tension of early love, acceptance, gentleness, tenderness, etc.). It’s also likely recognizing the things you’re seeking out.”
BRAINS ARE WILD, YA’LL.
What a ride, but nonetheless validating and affirming of all the work I’ve been doing. Also, I’m happy to report that in the last week since we’ve talked, I’ve only dreamed of swimming.
What do you think are your dreams telling you?