What Austin Bigwigs LOOK Like They Do For a Living, Part II (Athletes/Coaches)
What their jobs would be if we go by their photo
Sure y’all liked Part I in this fancy new series, but Austin is very much a sports town, so let’s take this to the next level now and have a peek at some local athletes and coaches to see what they LOOK like they do for a living simply based on their photos.
Josh Wolff: Owns CrossFit gyms in Leander, Buda, and Del Valle, and hosts a motivational speaking podcast called Don’t Be a Little Bitch, Bro that Joe Rogan has recently called “pretty fucking hardcore.” Won Most Likely to Hit on Your Girlfriend senior year at Lake Travis.
Steve Sarkisian: Doomsday cult leader in Dripping Springs referred to as “Mr. Lucas.” Formerly a Texas Longhorns baseball mega-donor, who once called for a retractable dome over The Dish.
Vince Young: Leader of the Zilker Zephyr Now! political action committee who, according to their mission statement, “won’t rest until there’s a beautiful, highly functional train system spanning Zilker Park that all Austinites, from 0 to 100, can enjoy at no more than $19 per ride.” He expects completion by 2031.
Cat Osterman: Couples masseuse/anal hydrotherapy counselor in Steiner Ranch. Specializes in group packages. Left a quiet life as an Arborist at The Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center in 2019 to pursue her life’s passion for wellness consulting discovered after taking a quiz in Vogue Magazine.
Chris Del Conte: Circle C area weed dealer. Was previously a lawyer for the the Texas Department of Insurance but was fired after calling his supervisor Randy a “queefhuffer,” unsuccessfully citing truth as a defense at his disciplinary hearing.
Sanya Richards-Ross: Austin’s top luxury Realtor, with several celebrity clients, including Andy Roddick/Brooklyn Decker, Steve Sarkisian, Sebastian Driussi, Rodney Terry, and Matthew McConaughey’s Cannabis Helmsman, Barry “Greenjeans” Banks.
Quinn Ewers: Prodigy of his current management trainee class at Mesa Rim Climbing Center. His father and Grandfather were both professional bull riders out of Lubbock, but he wanted a different path from them and moved to Austin in 2021 to pursue his dreams.
Sebastian Driussi: Weekend sports anchor on KVUE since 2020 after doing “Bass Forecasts” for Montgomery, Alabama’s FOX affiliate. Also does play by play for Westlake basketball and football, as well as various pro-Pickleball matches.
Rodney Terry: Chief lobbyist for Las Vegas casinos trying to expand to Texas. Successfully got the state to bury its “Don’t Gamble With Texas” campaign targeting gambling addiction, calling it “nanny state nonsense y’all shouldn’t bet on.”
Colt McCoy: Video game designer at the creative co-op Binge This. Previously was a decorated technology teacher called “Mr. G” at Austin’s Liberal Arts and Science Academy whose mission was to take the “Bro” out of “Tech Bro” to make it more inclusive.
Brad Stuver: Helms the East Austin craft vodka distillery Clear Green. Dedicated to charity work, focusing on disadvantaged local youth, including his recent Vodka For The Kids society gala at The Driskill to raise money for renovating city playgrounds and pools.
Asjia O’Neal: Played Bailey in a two-episode arc on The Last of Us spinoff, The Rest of Us, set in the post-apocalyptic Austin left behind by the original. Recently told Austin Woman that Bailey “is the role that I’ve dreamed about since starting acting lessons 11 months ago.”
Andy Roddick: Childhood friend of writer/director Todd Phillips, served as the inspiration/stunt double for divisive American Pie character Steve Stiffler. Now lives in a Dripping Springs trailer park, occasionally playing gigs with his pop-punk band The Stifflers, who reportedly will be playing SXSW 2024 per music scribe Peter Blackstock.
NEXT UP in Part III: Austin Actors.
With the mullet, Ewers looks like a skate technician at a roller rink.
😂😂😂