Caught in a dilemma: My search for true belonging
Did I run away from the things that made me feel like I did not belong, only to realise I would come back to the same place looking for answers?
Last Saturday as I was packing my things for my journey back to Bangalore, I felt like I wanted to stay at home for another day. This thought came as a surprise to me. Growing up in a small village in Kerala, my life’s ambition was to escape this boring place and go live in a city. Life was rather dull here, not to mention the inconvenience of living far away from everything that made someone’s life easier.
Every time there was a thunderstorm, we would not have power for the next three days and the phone line was almost always out. As I transitioned into a teenager, the more I got tired and bored of this place. My life had gotten so monotonous that I started to dislike living here more with each passing day. We went to the same grocery store, the same restaurant, and the same clothes store year after year. Nothing new happened here.
When I finally got my hands on a computer with an internet connection at 14, I saw what life on the other side looked like. I looked at Facebook posts of people my age staying out with their friends till 1 AM. Meanwhile, at home, we had dinner by 8 and went to bed by 9 because there was nothing to do and nowhere to go.
I plotted my escape by demanding to my parents that I wanted to go to college in a city. Though reluctantly, they agreed to it.
Chennai was my first taste of the city life. I got down at the Chennai Central Railway station and was taken aback. I hadn’t seen so many people in one place before. It was a sea of nameless faces and I felt like I was drowning. Everyone was in a hurry, either to board the train or get out of the station. I was surprised by how everyone was in their own bubble, oblivious to who was standing next to them or what was happening around them. Where I came from, people took their sweet time to walk to the bus stop and ask a question or two to the person waiting for the bus beside them.
For the first few weeks, I felt like I had entered a parallel universe. But, slowly I got used to the rush of the city, I learned to ignore the crowd and make my way through it. The initial intimidation began to wane and I started loving this new life.
I enjoyed the comforts living in a city brought. I could order anything I wanted at any time of the day, I could stay out late with my friends, I could go to the beach to see the sunrise, and I could go to a mall and walk around until my feet got tired. All these were far-fetched things while I was living at home. But living in a city made all these possible. Life became easier and much more convenient.
In the last 7 years, I lived in 3 different cities. No city was the same. Each had its beauty, each made me fall in love with its unique charm. I met a few good people, made friends, and created core memories for which I will always be grateful.
But did I ever feel like I belonged to one of these cities? My answer is a quick no. I never felt like an alien in these cities but, I never felt like I was a part of it either. I was not a stranger nor was I a friend, I was just a passing acquaintance in these cities.
But if you ask me whether I feel like I belong to my village, the answer again is no. When I left my village it was like I had left that version of me there, because was going to create a new life for myself. I let go of so many things that I learned during the early part of my life and reinvented myself over the years. There still remain a few vestiges of my past in me, but I am no longer the person that I was when I was 16.
But somewhere in my heart, I have a soft spot for this village that I grew up in. As I grew older, I learned to love it for what it is. I appreciate the silence that engulfs it. I look on with fascination at how the people here have embraced the slow pace of life. Now when I go home I find joy in doing the things and going to the places that I resented while I was growing up. Sometimes I crave the calmness and silence of my village, especially when the cacophony of the city gets too loud. Maybe this is how my life comes to full circle.
Very often, I find myself riddled with the questions — Will I get tired of the cities one day? Will I ultimately choose the life I ran away from once? Or will I finally find the feeling of belongingness in the city? Only time can tell.