Let Me Just Testify
the glory of God in my suffering and healing, the way to wisdom, and the season that is eternally etched on my heart
It happened two years ago.
Two years ago, everything in my life changed, including me.
I used to categorize my life on a continuum of life before death (salvation), and then life after.
Life in the flesh, then life in the spirit.
Life without God, life with God.
And while that still remains, there is now a new tick mark on the ruler of my life- a dividing line between who I was before I got sick and who I became because I was sick- and that line started to form two years ago.
I was moving to North Carolina from Missouri, driving across the states to begin a new season of life. I did not know where I would eventually end up or what I would be doing.
I had an outline of a plan, which was demolished by the greater plans of the Lord.
I had no idea what was in store, but a month or two before leaving St. Louis, I felt a drawing, a pull, a desire, to move.
I thought I needed to be away from the city.
The pull to move felt different than so many of the times I had moved before walking with Christ.
In the past, I would simply move states to escape whatever was happening in my current life so I could transition myself into the next self-determined season with the promise of more beauty, more adventure, and hopefully more joy.
But this urge to move was different, because I was different.
My motives were sprinkled with the scent of the Holy Spirit.
I had no idea that those inner leadings were the working of the Spirit to propel me farther along the path of my destiny.
The leading was of the Lord, even though the ideas and notions in my head about what would happen when I moved were of my own accord.
The week before I moved, spring allergies came alive in St. Louis. Allergies I had never experienced before.
Suddenly, I was having sneezing fits.
And then came the rash.
Blood red, it covered my entire face and neck.
What in the world was happening to me? I didn’t know.
It was miserable, horrible, uncomfortable.
It waxed and waned that entire week, until the day I left for North Carolina.
Then it got worse.
As I drove along, state to state, I experienced more heightened reactions to the pollen that was poisoning me.
I started feeling sick, lethargic, and out of sorts.
Little did I know this was only a mere foretaste of what was to come.
The long and short of it is that I made it to North Carolina, and it got worse again.
Much worse.
Day by day, week by week, every symptom increased and expanded.
The rash now took over my hips, my neck, my face, parts of my arms. Then my legs, my stomach, my chest, and my hands- all until it practically covered my entire body.
It was no longer just an issue of spring allergies.
It hurt, it itched, it wept.
Uncontrollable itching, burning that felt like my skin was on fire, and severe weeping (read: irritated skin that produces oozing wet secretions) that caused me to only ever wear the loosest clothes I could find.
I tried every trick in the book to heal myself- all conventional and holistic medicine possible, attacking every root cause I could think of or research.
I had studied holistic medicine for a few years prior to this experience and I was extremely well-versed in root causes, natural healing methods, and the like.
Nothing worked.
It only got worse.
I didn’t sleep much. I woke up with my sheets soaked and the unbearable itching I couldn’t get away from.
My eyes swelled up every morning, my skin was inflamed and puffy to the max, and I felt awful in my own body. I had no energy, I had no idea what was happening, and I had no idea what to do about it.
Then the boils began.
What could be worse than incessant itching that makes your skin bleed and weep, and torments you day and night?
Boils.
What looks like a harmless pimple, and starts off slightly sore, grows into something so insanely painful it feels like the sharp edge of a small knife is driven deeper and deeper into your skin each time it is touched.
It begins to take over the entire area it resides in- inflaming, swelling, and bringing deep pain and torment to the entire landscape of the skin.
They come in the worst places too. Awful places.
Inside eyelids (known as styes), the noise, armpits, behind the legs, and under the glutes.
Places where pain cannot hide, but is only maximized.
It was only one or two at first.
Then they began to spread.
I had multiple boils at a time- so many covering my thighs I could hardly walk. It was just too painful. Some days I could hardly see out of my eyes from the boils that would swell my eyelids closed.
I was miserable.
The physical pain was unbearable, but the mental pain came close in comparison.
I was lonely living at my mom’s house that was meant to be a stop over on my route to better days. I did not have a local church community to lean on or even friendships close by. I was unable to work or do normal activities such as shower, exercise, or even walk at times.
I was not even able to find relief in my sleeping hours.
It was difficult to connect with others because my life was consumed with pain management and my priorities were vastly different from anyone around me. I felt like no one could understand what was happening to me specifically and I was tired of hearing advice from well-meaning friends and family.
I was weary of all things.
I was worried I would never get better.
I was worried about what would happen if I continued to get worse.
And at the height of it all, I found myself facing death's door.
“I feel like walking death most days.” Those were the words I documented in my journal.
I had given up hope- not on life itself, but on answers. I was exhausted of looking for answers or trying to determine how to pull my life out of this pit.
I felt like Job and related to his pain. It felt as if God had taken everything from me, and I was left with more questions then answers.
All I could do was surrender it back to God and make it through each day.
With him, that was possible.
I was weary, but he was strong.
When I felt unseen, he saw me.
When I didn’t feel like anyone could understand, he showed me he could.
When I felt confused about the future, he gave me solace in the present.
He gave me a scripture near the beginning of my time in North Carolina, and I knew then and there, before the severity really set in, that he was affirming his plan to redeem me from this pit in his good timing-
“This is what the Lord says to his anointed,
To Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of
To subdue nations before him
And to strip kings of their armor,
To open doors before him
So that gates will not be shut:
I will go before you
And will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze
And cut through bars of iron.
I will give you hidden treasures,
Riches stored in secret places,
So that you may know that I am the Lord,
The God of Israel, who summons you by name.”
Isaiah 45:1-3
I held onto that every single day of being sick.
In the beginning of this season, I was so concerned with healing I was missing what God was trying to do in me.
I was so focused on doing the right things, praying the right prayers, and having the faith for him to move the mountain of my sickness; all while he was simply inviting me to walk me through the valley so that rather than move this one mountain, I could ascend any mountain I would ever face.
I was more focused on my healing than becoming acquainted with the Healer.
God’s timing is perfect in every way.
In the past, pre-salvation, I lived as a woman straddling the line of sin and sanctification- always trying to follow the ways of God but falling short for lack of true repentance and surrender.
Desiring to do the right things, but for all the wrong reasons.
And the lie the enemy would always use against me to keep me in rebellion and confusion was this-
God is not good.
His ways are not good, his thoughts and intentions towards me (and other humans) are not good, and ultimately, he should not be trusted as GOOD.
But I had learned from my radical salvation encounter with God, as he sought me out and delivered me from a life of addiction, shame, and pride-a life that I chose in my own rebellion- that he was good, and his thoughts and intentions towards me had only ever been and would always be such.
The deepest revelation I had when I surrendered my life to Christ was the reality of his infinite and impenetrable goodness towards me.
My point here is that God gave me a foundation of trusting his goodness before I walked into a season of refining fire in every way.
He knew that when this trial came my way, I would not be swayed from the truth he had implanted in my heart.
He allowed me to walk into the fire when he knew I was ready and would hold onto his garment at all costs, even when death came knocking at my door.
While I was sick, I had a marking moment of true surrender and trust that he was good and that his goodness superseded anything my flesh was enduring.
It was a moment where I was truly overcome with the glory of how far God had brought me in trusting him.
It was a moment of worship.
I found worship to be my greatest weapon when I was sick. It was artillery against the chaos of my mind, the arrows of the enemy, and the heaviness of it all.
Worship was and is one of my strongest weapons.
One particular day, I began to lyrically sing of the goodness of God- but I was not just singing it- I was embodying it. I felt the truth of God’s goodness permeating every fiber of my being.
There was a spiritual memorial breaking open in me that said, ‘I will sing this not so that I can believe it.. But because I do believe it!’
I dropped to the ground, sobbing, as I realized the power of living in truth.
I knew at that moment that if I was able to proclaim the goodness of God in spirit and in truth when facing utter despair and confusion, I had crossed a threshold of trust and surrender that would carry me for the rest of my life.
I knew that the love and power of Christ in my life was indestructible in every way.
He was good, He is good, and He will always be good.
His goodness remains.
I faced a thousand questions in my time of sickness.
I heard a thousand voices- internally and externally.
Advice was given, prayers lifted up, and secret whispers of “why?” were all around me.
Some not-so-secret.
I would have family members call me and lament over what was happening in my life- the sound of their own shaky faith coming out through their vocal cords as they pondered what kind of God would allow this to happen to his willing and faithful servant.
“I don’t know”, I would say.
I was initially so resistant to the idea that this season was of God and could produce something valuable in my life.
Those thoughts did not line up with what I had learned in church or what other believers in my life held faith for.
But God is not in the business of limiting his wisdom to our understanding.
This is where, for many people, their theology will get all kinds of messed up, and this is precisely where God has asked for my raw and real honesty like never before.
I did not want to be sick, and I did not want to believe that God would allow me to be sick.
Being physically sick did not match the merit of goodness I had placed upon my God- the representation or idea of what I thought His goodness should look like, feel like, or sound like.
Simply put: God allowing me to be sick did not present as a form of his goodness towards me. It did not make sense.
Until it did.
Here’s what I am not saying- that God caused me to be sick.
From what the Lord has shown me, and what we see of his character and ways in scripture, I do not believe that to be true.
But He did allow me to stay sick for a season, for his purposes.
He also healed me, albeit, not immediately.
I clung to his word of wisdom over me from the beginning:
“I will go before you
And will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze
And cut through bars of iron.
I will give you hidden treasures,
Riches stored in secret places,
So that you may know that I am the Lord,
The God of Israel, who summons you by name.”
I am from a faith background that believes in healing all the time.
I also believe Jesus heals and delivers all the time.
And I also believe his timing and his ways are not our ways.
What we want is not always what we will get.
Faith is beautiful and powerful and necessary in all things.
This is why Jesus often said to those he healed “your faith has made you well.”
But if we don’t see the miracle, or the miraculous touch in the timing we think we should- then what do we do with our faith?
We apply it to all things.
We apply it to what God is doing in the midst of it.
We confront our questions and pain with the faith that God is good, He is moving in every season of our lives, and He will use all things for our good.
He is the healer.
He will heal.
This, I know.
This, I have lived.
This, I have seen and have witnessed through the testimony of the infallible scripture of God.
But that He would allow such a thing as sickness and isolation to be a refining tool along the path of my destiny?
Previously, my faith had no room for such a thought.
But then a mentor of mine, in the midst of it all, said two things to me that rocked my boat, cut me to the core, and have stuck with me to this day:
“Look at Job. Did God allow him to suffer?”
Oh yeah.. that pesky book of Job we cannot seem to reconcile.
The second thing he said was this:
“The time is near for Jesus to come. When he has a purpose and destiny in your life that He needs to get you ready for, quickly, sometimes deep and intense seasons are the only way to get you there. Suffering ensues.”
Can I tell you that both of these words spoken over me felt extremely frustrating at the time?
They offended me.
God’s ridiculous love often offends before it soothes.
I had such a high resistance to the idea that God was allowing this kind of physical torment in my life, that it was blinding me from seeing the prophetic utterances all over it.
Meanwhile, I was being invited to step out of the questions and reside in the answer.
I was being invited to gain the wisdom of the ages.
I was being invited to a radical form of communion I had never experienced before.
Not only to know God as my Father, my lover, and my friend, but to become intimately acquainted with Jesus, the man of sorrows, and embody his suffering.
In my sickness, I saw facets of his face I had never seen before: the sickness, despair, anger, loneliness, betrayal, rejection, and confusion he embodied as he walked out his path to the cross.
I not only witnessed it, I felt it.
I became acquainted with it.
I embodied it.
He allowed me to be sick, and he allowed me to know him in a way I never would have if it would have not been for this season of suffering.
Those who suffer will receive the gift of knowing Jesus in a way that those who do not suffer never get to.
My questions of pain began to take new shape in the form of divine insight into my season.
Answers and understanding did not all come at once, but they came day by day, moment by moment- many not coming at all until I walked further down the path and out of the storm.
They will continue to come for the rest of my life.
Why did God bring me to suffer in a place where I had no friendships, community, or support?
Because he was teaching me to only look to him for my deepest needs and be led by his voice alone.
Why was I being stripped of everything that was able to bring me any sense of comfort or happiness?
Because I had to learn that these idols were no longer my source of peace, joy, or contentment.
Why was I not receiving answers on how to heal?
Because it would be in his timing, his way, and his provision, so that I would know him as Rapha (healer), Jireh (provider), and the God who summoned me by name. I was learning the sovereignty and omnipotence of my God.
He would make sure that I knew, and everyone who will ever hear my testimony, that it could have never been anything but him.
There is none like him.
Almost everything in my life was stripped away in this season of refining.
I was no longer able to financially provide for myself.
I was unable to take baths or showers.
I was unable to exercise or workout to relieve stress.
I was unable to deeply relate to anyone in that season.
I was unable to wear tight clothing of any sort.
I was unable to enjoy food due to the itching fits that would come after.
I was unable to sleep well, for the nights were long and arduous.
I was unable to be in the sun because my skin was too raw.
I was unable to dream about the future, not knowing what was next.
I was unable to escape my physical discomfort.
The one thing that remained was Jesus. My every need was met by Him.
He taught me how to go about each day- leaning only on Him.
He taught me to live by the spirit, and not by the flesh.
I would spend my entire day with him.
Some of you might initially find that to be a dreamy thought- all day to commune with God? Amazing!
But it was honestly the only way to survive, and that did not always feel amazing, but simply necessary.
Some days it felt impossible to read the Bible or worship. I would just lay in his presence, or sit in stillness and be swept up by Him.
I had so many encounters with God that changed my life forever.
He was doing heart surgery on me.
He began to pull out the deepest things within me that needed healing and freedom. Childhood beliefs, strongholds, lies, wounds.
Throughout the year, he took me through many memories, experiences, and beliefs I had within me that he wanted to redeem, restore, and reconcile back to his truth.
I was being delivered of all that had entangled me.
One day, I remember the Holy Spirit asking me to write down the things I normally loved to do, that I was unable to participate in during this current season- not only things that I could not physically do, but also the dreams and desires that seemed so far away and unattainable due to the trauma of the season at hand. Things I felt I had lost.
I wrote the list.
Then He asked me to write another list next to that one.
This list was supposed to be the characteristics and giftings he had revealed in me in this refining season.
I wrote the list.
As I looked at them side by side, he said to me-
“Those things you love to do will come back to you in due time. You have not lost them forever. But in this season, I have been uncovering who you are, and who I have made you to be, which is far more important than what you do. Those characteristics and innate gifts are what have been uncovered in your suffering and dependence on me.”
It was a moment of complete clarity.
Setting aside all the things I was used to ‘doing’ is something I would have never done on my own. They were a part of my life, and I felt as if they were a part of me.
I had wrapped up what I did with my identity.
But what I do, is not who I am.
The true me, who God created me to be and taught me to be, was a piece of the gold that I found in what felt like the muddy mess of my life at the time.
I gained infinite wisdom in this hidden season of my life.
Looking back, it was a fairly short time of life (it did not feel like it then), but in that short amount of earthly time, I gained the wisdom of the ages.
How?
Because I submitted and surrendered to the process God was taking me through, and I let go of everything that was hindering me.
I let go of wanting or needing to be healed.
I let go of trying to determine the theology of what God was doing, or should be doing in my life.
I let go of the advice everyone else gave and the expectations I had placed on myself.
I let go of the voices that tried to convince me that this season was not of God.
I let go of ever needing to have a great career, or a lot of money, or the perfect life.
I let go of my dreams and desires, and wholeheartedly pursued the one I laid my life down for.
And I let myself fall into the arms of my Father, who was taking me from glory to glory.
Wisdom is found through suffering.
There is a fascinating passage of scripture in the book of Job in chapter 28. The chapter is titled “Interlude: Where Wisdom Is Found.”
This interlude (or intervention in the middle of something) is beautifully written and poignant. But the reader must ask- why is it placed here, in the middle of this book?
Why is there an interlude on where to find wisdom, in the middle of a book on suffering and sorrow?
The interlude comes in after a long debate that Job is having with his friends about his pain, suffering, and despair. He becomes bitter and frustrated with God, wishing he was dead or non-existent. He practically drives himself mad trying to debate and decide why God has caused, or allowed him to suffer in such a terrible way.
This chapter on wisdom begins by stating that the most valuable metals in all the earth can be refined and found if they are desired: There is a mine for silver and a place where gold is refined.
It continues by describing the earnestness that humans possess to uncover the most valuable things on this earth. The author makes it clear that humans will go to great lengths to search for what is hidden and desirable in the earth.
People assault the flinty rock with their hands and lay bare the roots of the mountains. They tunnel through the rock; their eyes see all its treasures. They search the sources of the rivers and bring hidden things to light. (v. 9-11)
After the author makes the case that the most precious things available in the natural realm can be possessed by mortals, we are then faced with a profound question and statement in verses 12-15:
Where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell? No mortal comprehends its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living. The deep says, “It is not in me”; the sea says, “It is not with me.” It cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed out in silver.
God is saying “Yes, you can uncover hidden, valuable, earthly treasures.. But what about wisdom and understanding? Where will you go to find those things, which are the most valuable of all?
Humans do not understand the worth of wisdom and understanding, because it does not originate from them, nor is it found, or possessed, by anything that occurs in the natural realm.
God says wisdom is more valuable than any earthly jewel or gem-
The price of wisdom is beyond rubies. (v.18)
After God asks where wisdom can be found and knocks down every earthly option, he poses the question again with more urgency, “Where then does wisdom come from? Where does understanding dwell?” (v.20)
This is his deep answer to such an ocean-wide question:
It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds in the sky. Destruction and Death say, “Only a rumor of it has reached our ears.”
God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells, for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens.
When he established the force of the wind and measured out the waters, when he made a decree for the rain and a path for the thunderstorm, then he looked at wisdom and appraised it; he confirmed it and tested it. And he said to the human race, “The fear of the Lord- that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.” (v. 20-28)
So when it’s all said and done, how do we find wisdom?
By fearing the Lord and shunning evil.
Job was a special book to me in my season of suffering. It felt relatable in many ways.
But it was not until after I recognized the wisdom I had gained during my sick season, that I understood why chapter 28 exists, and why it is placed after all of Job’s complaining and pontificating about his suffering.
Suffering is not about the questions; it is about the answer, and the answer will always be the fear of the Lord.
Why is that the answer?
Because when we fear the Lord, we trust the Lord.
When we trust him, we revere him.
When we revere him, we submit to his ways that are much higher than our ways.
If we hold fast to our fear of the Lord, an undeniable and unshakeable faith in his leading and guiding hand over our lives, we will find the wisdom of the ages.
God, in his endless compassion and mercy, understands our questions and the way our flesh cries out against our suffering.
Jesus bore our suffering so that we can be healed, and because he bore it, he also understands us when we suffer.
He was so incredibly kind with my process of wrestling with the questions I had to face, because he does not despise the questions.
He encourages us to feel what we must, grieve how we will, and unabashedly cry out to him with all anger, fear, and frustration. He welcomes it all.
But at the end of every question, it is imperative that we remain steadfast in the answer, which is to trust his goodness and faithfulness towards us in all things.
“All of the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful towards those who keep the demands of his covenant.” Psalm 25:10
We don’t always like the answer of submitting to sorrow when we think God must neatly and tidily fit into our box of only giving us happy experiences.
But for everything there is a time, a season, and a purpose.
There can be a time to suffer, and a time to heal.
There can be a time for questions, and a time for answers.
There can be a time for refining, and a time for glory.
The timing depends on God alone.
I had just booked a flight to see a friend in Fort Collins, Colorado.
I was sick of being sick, and she invited me to come camping with her. I knew it would be extremely difficult, and yet, I was craving something fun- something that would make me feel like myself again.
So the ticket was booked. I was going, even if it was painful to walk.
At this point, my rash was peaking. My days were arduous, my nights long. My submission and surrender to the breaking process had occurred, and I was living with an uncertainty of what would happen to me and my body. All I knew is that my soul was secure.
Then I got an email.
It came from a holistic dermatology practice I had emailed a few weeks back.
I sent the email late one night as I was scrolling through Google images of extreme eczema cases and clicked on the website of this clinic that offered free consults.
Free is an unheard of word in the holistic health world, and I figured I had nothing to lose.
I emailed them as a last ditch effort to see about holistic care that would be different from anything I had tried or looked into. I half-haphazardly sent the email, completely forgetting about it until I saw the response in my inbox.
The doctor was willing to meet with me for a consultation.
A glimmer of hope!
But after a few emails back and forth on timing, we realized we were on opposite sides of the country and it would be impossible to work together.
A dead-end.
Or so it seemed.
She told me she had one contact in the United States she could send over as a recommendation. My first thought was “where in the world would that be?”
I clicked the location of her recommendation, and the pin dropped on Fort Collins, Colorado.
My spirit jumped.
A new glimmer of hope appeared, and this time it felt as if it had the wings of the spirit upon it.
I called the recommended office and peppered them with questions.
I was fearful of what it would look like to go in, how I would pay for it, or if it was the right option for me at all. I had been scarred by a bad experience with a few doctors prior to this who’s approaches had only made things worse.
The receptionist was extremely kind in answering my questions, but then told me that the week I was visiting, the dermatologist would be leaving for a week-long vacation.
It was possible, she said, that she could fit me in, but highly unlikely because the doctor did not usually see new patients before she went out of town.
What initially seemed like it was a divine set-up started to seem as if it was not going to work out.
But what is impossible for man, is possible with God.
She told me she would talk to the doctor and give me a call back.
I fervently prayed to the Lord, laying a fleece down before him and asking him for confirmation.
The trip with my friend had already been planned in detail- I would be there for a week, and we would be road-tripping and camping for most of it. Because of this, there was only one weekday that I would be in Fort Collins, and that was a Wednesday.
My request was simple but specific: “Lord, if this is of you, let me call them back and say that they have an appointment available Wednesday morning.”
When she called back, her words echoed through the chambers of an inner world of trust I had developed with my God, and my hope took flight: “The doctor is going to make an exception to see you, and there is only one day she will be able to do so. Can you come Wednesday morning at 11 am?”
As I stood in her office that fateful Wednesday morning, I cried as I undressed before her and saw the horror on her face as she witnessed what had overtaken my body. It felt discomforting and extremely relieving for someone who specializes in this issue to witness my pain in such a raw way.
She confirmed what I knew to be true, “If you would have waited any longer, you would have had to go to the hospital to receive life-saving steroids to get this under control.”
The next words she spoke felt as if they came directly from God-
“But I am confident that we can get this under control, and you will heal.”
The long and short of it is that week by week, once in the morning and once at night, I was drinking an herbal medicine she specifically made for me from her vast knowledge of Chinese Medicine and the skin.
It was extremely bitter and difficult to take in, much like the season of breaking God was taking me through.
Yet, it was the only way to heal.
God uses the breaking to bring us ultimate healing.
The entire process was miraculous.
The medicine cost me $800 every month, and even increased to $1000 halfway through my treatment. It was extremely expensive, and I did not have a way to make that amount of money.
It was another point of deep surrender for me.
Week by week, God would provide the money.
Every single time.
There were times when it was the day before and I did not have the money yet, but then I would wake up in the morning and see the amount I needed in my bank account.
He proved himself faithful in every way, and gave me the pathway to healing I so desperately needed, even though it did not look like what I thought it would.
The day the money to pay for my medicine did not come in like it normally did was the day I realized God was directing me to step back from taking it.
It was not even the doctor who decided when it would end. It was God, and God alone.
I began taking it once a day, until I finished my last batch.
The timing of the money drying up, my boils completely disappearing and my rash diminishing almost completely, coincided with the Holy Spirit telling me this season of sickness was ending.
I knew the Lord had brought me through.
He healed my body, but he also healed my heart, my mind, and my soul.
He made me new, and I could not have become who I am without who he has made me to be.
The refining fire of suffering produced a glory in me that cannot be shaken, tainted, or touched by anyone or anything.
It is from my God, and my God alone.
He is always good- from everlasting to everlasting.
Wow! This is so so so beautiful. I have and am still mostly walking through a season that has a lot of similarities to yours and I feel so encouraged and hopeful by reading this. To really surrender and trust the Lord that he has a plan with everything and that he is giving me a new heart, mind and spirit. Thank you Ashley and the Holy Spirit for writing this down so beautifully 🤍