Soul Shifting Sorrow
Articulating sorrow has felt insurmountable to me, and yet the burden for me to express what I now know about it feels weightier then ever.
Sorrow has been my companion this year.
This year of my life has held more days of sorrow than joy.
Articulating sorrow has felt insurmountable to me, and yet the burden for me to express what I now know about it feels weightier then ever.
Pain and hardship that is directly correlated to my own being brings great sorrow- but oftentimes it’s the suffering of those around me that feels the most impactful.
I have experienced both in great measure.
This has brought me to the end of myself and into the deepest caverns of my soul that cry out in rebellion against the brokenness of this present world.
Sorrow has revealed the very depths of my heart and what was lying beneath the surface- thoughts, desires, and questions that I could not access without this refining fire of aching sorrow.
It has also given me revelation of Jesus in a way that I was not aware was possible. Like so many of us, I was never fully surrendered to pain- my life was built on avoiding it. It’s not that I thought it could be avoided completely, but I was focused on minimizing it and rushing through it to journey back to daily comfort.
But while I was caught up believing the lie that following Christ was set on a foundation of somehow escaping the gnarliest of pain, Jesus was gently inviting me to become acquainted with the very suffering that he embodied.
I could never wrap my head around knowing Christ by knowing his suffering.
That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death. Philippians 3:10
This felt as if I had to live a life of anguish to really know him and that idea repulsed my spirit- why would I ever choose a journey paved with suffering? What kind of loving God would want that for me?
But I’ve come to know that trying to understand Jesus and his ways without living them out is like looking at a puzzle that’s half done. It makes sense that there is more to be filled in, you can see the photo on the box and all the scattered pieces in front of you, but your heart wants to resist the process; because it takes time, effort, and trust that the full picture will come to fruition.
So you don’t truly journey through; instead you live through the idea, the image, of what’s presented to you; instead of participating in the process and receiving revelation.
I resisted this process for a good part of this year in my suffering, but then suddenly, I felt a shift.
It’s still difficult and deafening at times- but there is revelation that has changed all that has happened and is to come.
The valley of sorrow has joined me with Jesus in a new way. It has allowed me to truly know, and as a result embody his character, his purpose, and his suffering.
There are four primary realities that have been unearthed for me in my spirit, and these are what I feel called to share.
1. The supernatural and perfect compassion that Jesus has for us in our sorrow.
2. The fierce, righteous anger God feels against sin (i.e. brokenness + pain).
3. The weight of the call to walk out our destiny for the Kingdom of God on this earth, here and now.
4. The desperate need I have to be intimate with him day in and day out.
Thirsty For Comfort
There are really two primary ways you can respond to those in pain and suffering- you can ignore it or minimize it and continue on with your daily life; or you can be stirred by compassion that provokes a response of authentic love and tender affection.
And even if your natural bent is the latter, without Jesus, your fleshly compassion only reaches so far into the darkness of suffering.
We all know that kind words can be encouraging in our hard moments.
Hugs and thoughtful actions can make us feel seen. Being listened to makes us feel heard. These are primary components of friendship and human connection.
But then what? You go home and those kind words do not hold you as you cry. The hug was momentary relief rather than soul shifting. And being heard was a catalyst for the beginning of release- but it didn’t bind together a wound you are weary of trying to fix.
The above options might even suffice for breakups and car wrecks and being fired from your job.
But I am not writing to surface level sadness. I am writing to your addiction, your brothers suicide, a stillborn child, a cheating wife, a loneliness that has spanned decades, an abortion, a solitary depression cast on your soul, a chronic sickness that demands pain day in and day out, a malevolent dark force that grips you at night, watching a close friend self-destruct with alcoholism, your father raping you, your son murdering someone, or horrific child abuse. It is the circumstance, the emotions, and the pain that brings you to feeling as if death has come to knock on your door disguised as sorrow.
Those kind words and hugs aren’t gonna cut it.
One of the primary convictions I had before abiding in Christ, was that my compassion was futile without eternal, supernatural force behind it.
It really bothered me. I was hungry to truly help someone in their suffering- but felt as if my attempts were hardly scratching the surface. This was the Holy Spirit prompting me to recognize that if I wanted to really embody and impart soul-shifting compassion and love, there was no other way without allowing Jesus to live in my very being.
Hope without eternity attached to it is merely momentary relief that still ends in death- which is the ultimate sorrow.
The deep ache that I have to truly help others in their suffering has been met with an even deeper hunger- to see them know the redemption of a Savior who came to make all things new.
Sorrow and suffering are too big of a burden for you to bear. When it is our own, we feel we are drowning in it. When it is those around us that we love, we feel utterly helpless. Both are burdens that constrict our souls with grief and consequently make us question our own hope for this life.
But your heavenly Father accounted for it being too much for you.
When life was created as it should have been, in Eden, we did not know of suffering. We were never meant to.
And now the curse of sin has left desolation everywhere and in the wake of it is a massive burden that we were never meant to bear.
This is why when we hold sorrow all on our own, we truly feel like it brings us face to face with death.
But Jesus said ‘Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest.’ Matthew 11:28-30
His great love and compassion enable him to understand your pain because he has experienced it in greater measure.
Shame, mocking, physical, emotional, and spiritual torment; he knows these things intimately.
In fact, leading up to writing this, the Holy Spirit kept centering me on the idea that Jesus is described in Isaiah as ‘a man of sorrows.’
He is despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. Isaiah 53:3
I could not stop thinking about this and meditating on it. I fear it is not often talked about enough because so often we want God to be the one who waves a magic wand and makes everything all ‘better’- removing every pain, every obstacle and issue in our life.
But the reality is that he already sealed the deal on that; he sent Jesus to make all things new. Which means there is a day, when Jesus comes back for the final time, that we will never know suffering again. No pain, no sorrow, no mourning or loss.
And in the tension we find ourselves in- between here and then- he offers us deep, deep compassion and visceral companionship to wade through the pain.
But this compassion is not just a thought or an ideology to help you ‘feel better.’
It is a revelation, which becomes a heart posture.
The revelation is this- that Jesus Christ, the lover and creator of your soul, is not a lofty God who feels pathetic empathy for you from his place above where he has not known the struggle of your flesh, just patting you on the back and encouraging you to get through it.
No. He is the God who took on the result of ALL death and brokenness and became the man of sorrows so that he could bring you into an eternal life that will hold no sorrow at all.
And in that process, he became the most perfect solution for your sorrowful soul- because not only is he the comfort and joy within it, but he is also the solution to banish it forever.
When I read about Jesus’ time on earth, the reverberating theme I see over and over again is compassion.
Always looking to help the sick and needy. The demonized, tormented, afflicted souls.
His compassion is even evident in the way that he rebukes the religious spirit of the Pharisee’s, because his correction is designed to bring them into freedom from the law.
In all that he does, compassion is the driving force.
Jesus was tender to the blind man calling to him on the side of the road, the woman reaching out to touch his garment in the crowd of people, and the ostracized demonically-possessed man who lived in the caves with no one to help him.
His heart was, and is, for those who are suffering. Those who’s backs have been broken with the cruel hand of hopelessness and isolation. The man of sorrows is tender to them, because he became them.
And even deeper than the revelation of his compassion, we see his comfort manifest in himself and as the Holy Spirit.
The comfort and companionship we desperately need.
I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you. John 14:18
and I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever. John 14:16
But the Comforter, which is the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. John 14:26
The Holy Spirit is a tangible, all-consuming presence that will live in you and with you, and he is the greatest Comforter of all.
Have you ever had that deep desire to be seen and known in your sorrow? But no matter who listens or affirms you- the need is not being met?
It makes you feel so isolated, so needy, so hungry for something you can’t seem to access..
That’s because your need for comfort can not be met by human standards. There is a supernatural comfort that will nourish this ache in your inner being- and carry you through on the wings of compassion to a brighter day ahead. This supernatural presence is wildly captivating and calming all at once. It is an expert counselor, focusing your heart on the manna that is the word of God- nourishing your weary soul back to health. It is honest and raw and draws out the deepest convictions of your heart to feel seen and known.
The Holy Spirit is a gift, because the Father knew the kind of comfort you would need and the compassion that Jesus has for you.
Invite him into your sorrow and you will find him there.
Fire of Judgement
One of the quintessential misunderstandings about the Lord is his judgement.
And I would say that those who sit from afar and rail against the idea of his judgement do so because they are not connected to his heart.
When you take love out of the equation, there is much that will begin to go awry.
My sorrow has taken me into a full circle understanding of God’s fierce anger against sin.
In my personal suffering, I have moved through different stages of feelings.
Anger was in the mix.
Angry that these terrible things were happening to me. Angry that these terrible things happen at all. Angry that I am subjected to a world and a life that has so much pain.
And here’s where it goes south for so many who do not truly know the heart of the Father- we blame him for the pain, and the sorrow, and the suffering.. as if it’s his will to subject us to it.
The enemy loves that. It’s his favorite lie. It takes all the focus away from his destruction and his tactics and places it on the the God of love that is fiercely dedicated to destroying the sorrow of this world.
Then we sit and wonder WHY don’t you do anything Lord? WHY?
But he is.
We read the Bible and see the intensity of the judgement of God. It can even scare us if we are honest. And we begin to wonder- how can a God of such love and compassion have such fierce anger and wrath? How do those two attributes go together?
And this is how I began to truly understand why the Lord sets his face against sin and death.
My anger was so strong at times that I wanted to do something, anything, to justify what was happening to me. I wanted there to be justice for my suffering- a reason that I could point to and scream at and demolish as an act of warfare. I was ready to battle the very sickness that overtook my body, the depression that tried to set in my bones, and the loneliness that gripped me. It became even more intense when I thought of those who had spent a lifetime suffering at the hand of evil- chronic sickness, abuse, sex trafficking, addiction. I would internally scream against how unfair it was that human beings were subjected to this kind of torment.
And this is is exactly what the Lord feels, in the greatest measure, against the sin of this world.
Sin is a curse. It is a curse that has infected every human heart across the globe. Even creation is subjected to it. It’s so plain to see when you begin to review all the evil you see around you; the evil that just leaves you asking.. why?
WHY do people do the things they do? HOW can they do these things? WHY do infectious diseases spread and kill and destroy? WHY does the earth rebel in hurricanes and floods and earthquakes that create mass destruction? WHY can’t we all just get along and love each other? WHY are we so divided?
People love to pontificate all their reasons for the pain and brokenness they see, but God already made it clear. We just don’t always want to accept the answer of sin, because it requires a deeper look at ourselves and our convictions.
And God created us and the world (Eden) for GOOD. He is the source of all that is GOOD. So this infectious disease of sin that results in mass sorrow and despair wrecks his heart.
He is deeply grieved at the work of evil and darkness. This is precisely why he sent Jesus- because he loves us SO DEEPLY that he wanted to give us the victory over this curse of sin and death.
But there is still the problem of evil and the result of sorrow; and he is acutely aware of it.
He sees all, knows all, and feels all. We believe that our anger and grief over the sorrow of this broken world is penetratingly deep and a powerful force to be harnessed- because it does feel that way.
But imagine if you were able to really grasp the full spectrum of every evil work being performed in this earth right now. Imagine the fire that would rise in your bones to justify it. You would crave action to rectify all the sorrow that is produced from evil works- day in and day out.
This is where the judgement of the Lord comes in. He judges, because he is fiercely angry at the death evil produces and he demands justice.
Suddenly, all the anger inside of me began to make more sense. I was rebelling against what should have never been, the end result of all sin, which is death.
My anger was righteous because it IS wrong and it SHOULD be justified.
The Lord began to help me understand the ferocious nature of HIS justice, and on the flip side of that, the overwhelming nature of his mercy and love.
Out of all the sin and sickness and brokenness and death we participate in- he still calls us home to him. Even though we come against him and cheat, lie, steal, kill, abuse, and mock him. His mercy still ebbs to our hearts and says ‘let me wash it all away and replace your heart of stone with that of flesh. I will call you my own and love you as if you never participated in creating sorrow in the world.’
I am honored to serve a God who takes all the righteous anger I have against sin and sorrow, and enables me to tear down the work of the enemy; because he hates it more than I ever could.
I was once sitting on my couch, reading an article about Chinese women who were being enslaved to Muslim radicals that were brutally raping them day in and day out. My heart felt like it broke in two. As I sat in my comfy, warm apartment, free from oppression, I wept at the thought that it could be me.
At first I was just crying as a natural response to something horrific. But then I began to fall on the floor and WEEP. I’m talking about deep, guttural cries that were coming from my Spirit. I felt a depth of sadness that was truly unexplainable. It felt so unbearable to me all I could do was scream and cry and pray in tongues. Then the Holy Spirit said to me ‘you are feeling my heart for these people.’
I cannot explain to you how that day changed my perception of the Father. The sorrow I felt for those women sowed a connection in me to his heart that burns as deeply and strongly as ever- causing me to labor in love for every area of brokenness that I come in contact with.
He is THAT good, and his judgment is too.
All The Days Ordained For You Were Written In His Book
I have many conversations with people who speak with great passion from the place they once experienced great sorrow.
As each of them articulates the struggle they personally endured, they become fervently impassioned when describing their heart for others to never suffer or experience what they did.
In fact, most of my writing and my life’s work comes from my personal lessons and revelations, sometimes painful and sometimes joyful, to help others reveal what is transpiring in THEIR inner world.
Unfortunately, we have too many people who miss the opportunity to use their sorrow for life-giving impact.
One of the most exciting, hopeful, and peaceful promises that God gives to those who love him, is that he works all things together for our good.
That means that no matter how difficult, painful, and unjust your situation is- you can trust that He is going to use it for good.
And not only is he going to use it for your own good, but if you allow him to use your life as a vessel of his love and compassion, he is going to touch many others’ lives too.
Your pain and sorrow is directly correlated to someone else’s breakthrough and healing. You are called into a beautiful paradigm of healing, revelation, and growth so that you can show up and be the light for others who are drowning in the pain you once felt. But you will never access this in a true way if you are not connected to the Spirit of the Living God.
There is a reason you feel so fired up about the wrong things that happened to you. That fire is raw passion!
Raw passion is what drives you into impacting others. It is harnessed by the Lord as a shining light for others in constant suffering who NEED what you have to say to them!
But so often, people are focused on just being angry and frustrated at what happened, and ultimately avoiding the Lord, that they don’t impact anyone at all. They hold in this passionate fire and instead of letting it consume others in love and justice, they burn theirselves up with anger and self-pity.
If you truly want to DO something about all the pain and sorrow you see, then you have to get connected to THE beacon of truth, compassion, and justice so that you can flow mercy and healing into others’ lives.
There are so many people drowning in their sorrow at this very moment. They are desperately looking for someone to see them and affirm them. They need someone to show up and say I’ve been through this and I made it through- let me tell you how I did and let me introduce you to the one who can heal your heart and pull you from the pit!
Souls are at stake.
Your inability to choose a path of healing and growth with the Lord is withholding you from creating any impact on those around you.
Your life- your words and character- hold so much weight.
This became such a big revelation for me in my suffering, because people who prayed and prophesied over me were like honey to my lips that were full of vinegar.
And every person that did that for me- was someone who had also suffered massive physical, mental, and emotional sorrow. They shared their story, they affirmed my pain and feelings of isolation, and they spoke LIFE over me from the word of God. They prophesied confirmations of what the Holy Spirit was speaking to me in that season.
Their obedience and willingness to surrender their sorrow to the Lord and let him take them through a process of healing and revelation directly impacted me and my soul.
We get so caught up in sending emails, and making payroll, and creating the best image of our life for social media and then completely miss the calling on our life to serve others.
The Word says that you have the power of life and death in your tongue. Proverbs 18:21
Meaning you truly you have the ability to impact others’ lives or their death with the words you speak to them.
Your words flow from your heart, and your heart is either tainted by corruption or full of the Holy Spirit’s wisdom.
Do not let this fall on deaf ears- you literally have the ability to change someones entire destiny and pull them out of their sorrow every single day.
And it won’t be through a cute instagram graphic, or words of affirmation, or sharing your pain just to get attention.
It will be through the vulnerable, real, authentic sorrow you have experienced, and the divine wisdom you’ve received because of it, that will touch their soul and impact their eternity.
Your life matters, because God is turning your sorrow into a beautiful waterfall of joy that others can stand and be overwhelmed in.
The Kingdom of God is here and now on the earth. I am living in it, participating in it, and sharing the heart of the Father for those who are deeply suffering.
Will you join me?
Desperate For Daily Bread
In sorrow, there is a particular susceptibility to accept lies as truth.
The enemy begins to barrage your mind and soul with deception. Your feelings of grief and despair begin to concoct poisonous thoughts of confusion and frustration.
And these lies begin to infect the purity of your spiritual life and ability to receive the goodness of God.
If you choose to lay down and allow the lies to smother you, you are finished. You will find yourself in a grave of deceit and disaster.
But if you ever-so gently lean into the Spirit of wisdom, you will find the intimate opportunity of deepening faith.
Sorrow brings every question to the surface- every little thread of doubt and deception that still resides in your heart and makes unconscious rifts in your relationship to the Father.
I have found that my sorrow has burned away all frivolousness- all facades and surface level agreements.
It is a beautiful gift, although it does not feel that way at first.
It can become a slippery slope of guilt, shame, and condemnation for the erroneous thoughts that begin to surface-
‘How can I feel these things? Think these things? Should I not have perfect peace and faith all the more in my moment of despair?’
But with his everlasting love and unfailing kindness, a patience I have no metric or measure for, he draws you into deeper wisdom, understanding, and ultimately- trust.
He does not condemn you in this place. He invites you in for more. So great a God is he.
How often we come to God as a slave driver, poking and prodding us to be better- to mysteriously have more faith by sheer will and empty words.
But he is, in fact, unable to possess traits of shallowness- He is repulsed by ritual and replacement for honesty and zeal.
I did not learn to have more faith at my church, or by listening to a perfectly worded sermon, or by repeating verses until they were lodged deep inside.
I learned the deepening of my faith in my sorrow.
He taught me, carried me, to a new height of extravagant trust and acceptance when there was nothing left but to concede to despair.
And it was not accidental, it was not by might or by power, but by his Spirit, when I came to be still in him.
My thirst for his daily comfort and wisdom was a powerful force- I was drawn into his presence by the raw awareness that my heart would fail me if I did not eat this daily bread.
I had known the importance of daily communion with him prior to this season- but in this place of sorrow, it felt as if it was a decision of life or death to enter in or not.
There is no drink, no friend, no distraction, no circumstance that could give me what I needed in this place other than him.
And the glory of what I found in this daily desperation!
Not even a taste, but a full feast of the sweetest, most extravagant love I have ever and will ever know.
It made all things I have used as a form of relief pale in comparison, and look completely lifeless. It renewed and restored me in incomprehensible ways.
And it imprinted the reality of my desperate need to satisfy the yearnings of my very being, that will only ever be accomplished in the daily, intimate communion I have with him.
There is a grounding nature that pulls me in close, then overwhelms me with a multiplicity of satisfaction that meets needs I hardly knew how to articulate.
And the critical component of this daily solitude with him is that it becomes a battle against the lies that are clawing and gnawing at my soul.
This moment, this time of immersion in truth, breaks off and breaks down every creeping, crawling lie that works to stand against me and consume the truth of who he is and what he says.
And I can feel the backlog of deception begin to influence my every thought, move, and action when I miss this time of battle- this opportunity to allow truth to sever all of that off me.
When you miss this incredibly important daily time with him, you begin to work from a deficit- working against lies rather than living out of truth.
It’s damaging.
And when you are experiencing sorrow- it’s deadly.
I am seen and known and completely sober to the fact that if I want to live as that woman, and be comforted as such, I must be near him. I must carve out what is due to him, and what is consequently refreshing to my being in the process.
There is no specific way- rituals and religion have no place here. But there is a heart posture that says ‘I am here, and I am yours.’
And you will become like a well-watered garden, and will sorrow no more.
Isaiah 58:11
Sorrow has burned away frivolousness. It has made me acutely aware of things that matter most- those that are connected to eternity.
There is a raw sensitivity that is inevitable in sorrow and suffering. It leaves no room for formalities and fakes and fuss. I want real, authentic, intimate, no holds barred.
I have felt the deepest spectrum of feeling and I cannot settle for lukewarm approaches anymore. I know deep pain of the mind, body, and heart. I have held grief in the chambers of my soul. There have been times where Jesus’ blood was the only barrier between that grief and pain that sought to overwhelm my heart with death.
But I am now convinced of this-
Our suffering is meant to mold us to be like Jesus in a way that makes us more tender to compassion, angry at sin, and zealous in the pursuit of our God ordained destiny that transforms other’s lives.
I don’t believe it’s possible to have depth in this capacity, in this present state we live in, without knowing sorrow.
And for that, I will rejoice and wait upon the Lord, for he is renewing my strength.
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Ashley