if you medically castrate yourself and offer your body to enough men something that was once lost will bloom inside of you
.
I remember being around 13 years old and having a bunch of boys from my class come up to me and ask me to look at my nails. When I did they all started laughing, because apparently it was an effeminate way to look at my nails. I still don't know what the correct way of looking at my nails would have been.
Last month I was sitting at a fast food restaurant alone. I had ordered 3 burgers because I wanted it to be an experience even though I couldn't eat it all. A girl my age sat a table across from mine and she said 'Excuse me, have you been to prison?'. I think it was kind of a joke but there was also something very sincere in her voice. We spoke for 45 minutes and she got my phone number and email. What I liked the most about her was that she didn't know what had happened to me but she saw my guardedness as valid and authentic, which is something I very rarely get to experience. No matter what people learn about me there is still always a kind of failure to connect or to truly empathize. She gave me some of her perfume. It was a very gentle moment. She never wrote me or emailed me.
My girlfriend says that there is a hardness to me combined with a sort of sentimentality. And a harshness: 'you will look someone straight into the eyes and say 'that's a cowardly thing to say''.
Things that I love about men
1. they give me things
2. a bunch of them want to fuck me
3. they get really confused when I make them laugh
4. I love the way that they have always looked at me
5. their hobbies are boring but they will passionately describe them to me
6. they get really happy when you greet them in the same tone as talking to a dog
7. they try to dazzle me sometimes
8. sure you can give me a lift
11. you parked at a construction site?
Don't you ever feel disgusted? - Cinnamon
1. Thank you for asking me this
2. I can’t fuck myself properly
3. transphobes become walking contradictions when they act like I'm beautiful
4. there are a lot of transphobes in Denmark, a lot of them aren't men,
5. I'm best at dealing with transphobia from men
6. On some level I love everyone, even those that I have nothing in common with who hold beliefs that are radically different from mine
Pretty boy mirror breakers
The first transfem character I ever saw was Haku from Naruto. I was 11 years old and I thought that I was going to read about ninjas fighting each other, but instead I got this beautiful romantic story about a villain falling in love with a beautiful boy dressed as a girl and not being able to express it before the boy was dead. I wanted to be Haku so bad that I couldn't even understand it or cry about it. The fact that Haku was treated as a beautiful tool only made me want to be him more.
Some of the most important experiences of my life was being around 12 and being mistaken for a girl. Some of the first times it happened I got really upset because it felt so good that it made me incredibly sad. Little did I know that a thousand flowers were budding inside of me.
When I was 7 I asked my mom if boys can become girls. I remember exactly where the car was on the way to my school. She told me something about 45 year old men dressing as women in this tone that implied that her disgust was visceral. She clearly thought that all of us were mentally ill.
14 years later I went to conversion therapy.
He turns his laptop around and presses play. A New Zealand soccer team is doing a chant. They're huge guys. 'Don't you wish that you could chant with them?' he said. 'No' I said.
That session cost over a 100 dollars.
1. I want to break every object in his office
2. It is illegal to break everything in his office or to tear his body apart and I would never condone it, but let it be said that I might know peace if it happened
3. there is no justice in this world though and I am certain that the Danish council of psychologists would go easy on him
4. GREED is such a subtle thing, these ""people"" would sell every one of their fellow human beings for a little wooden bird to put on their desks or a rug with a tantalizing pattern
When I write these things it is not to prove that I am a real trans woman. I transitioned 5 years ago and I have had every surgery that I want, which is to say that I'm not dancing for my medicine or asking for validation. I don't think any of this makes people hate trans women less either. These are simply some of the most important things that ever happened to me.
Dying
a. When enough hands have touched you they cease to exist and become eternityb. It is a way to access the pattern through love and compassionc. there are many ways to access it, but those who start seeing it tend to play on their proclivitiesd. I do not have STEM brain and I don't know much about biologye. what I do know is lovef.censoredg.censoredh. my message is thus eternal lovei. it sounds like something from a boring acid trip but it's a very grounded and practical way of lifej.censoredk. this is firmly grounded in my behavior and my deep love for othersl.censored
For the Philosopher Rosi Braidotti, freedom is the capacity to relate. This notion speaks to me on a deep visceral level. When you violate others you violate your own capacity to relate to them and as a result you make yourself unfree.
Blessing a hundred men with peace
Last year I was sitting on a bench with my blank after having dinner with him and I was telling him about a girl that I was seeing. Some guy walked by and shouted 'very romantic'. My blank didn't really know how to react so he asks 'do you go on a lot of dates with older men?'. And I said 'no, I don't date them'.
My good friend always said that I should get paid and that I was basically doing sex work for free. I enjoyed just meeting these people and hearing about their lives. Having them choke me out, cum, and show me pictures from their ski vacation - I didn't even do it out of loneliness, I already had a bunch of great friends.
How is that not good work? I usually enjoyed it too - we bring each other peace
memory: Afterwards he laid there next to me and asked me if I wanted to go see a movie sometime. I said no thank you. He came back next week.
memory: As he put his clothes back on he wasn't sure how to say goodbye, he was really nervous. 'Say hi to your girlfriend for me' I said in a teasing tone. He stammered that that would be a bad idea and laughed nervously. He was a huge man.
memory: He asks me if we could see each other again and just watch Bishounen Tanteidan together
I am a pillar of this community
it's okay, you can rest your head on my lap, you don't have to go home yet
disgust
There is a very certain way that people would look at me from time to time, it mostly happened when I was growing up and when I had just started transitioning. It's a little thing in their eyes, sometimes it would be a little more apparent. It's this visceral primordial disgust. No words are necessary to articulate it, as a matter of fact most people can and will deny it, but its there. Sometimes they will smile while their eyes beam the foundational disgust into you. How do you deal with being a fundamentally disgusting person to a lot of people? I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that it twists and warps your face over time. I think you develop a deep understanding of the fact that you are fundamentally in conflict with most people, which can lead to you ending up loving your enemies or those who hurt you. Last year I received a message and as a result I ended up feeling like the war was over, even though I was still being hurt. Its almost funny at this point. When I tell people about the things that happen to me without a hint of sadness they become worried, maybe because I strip them of the capacity to performatively share my grief. Justice doesn't really matter much in a world where others can simply do bad things to you and get away with it. I think a big part of living as a trans woman is accepting that bad things will happen to you and that there isn't really much to be done about it for now. You can wiggle and scream all you want to but at the end of the day people can do things to you that you will never be able to do to them. When I tell this to people who aren't trans they get very confused and distressed, and I usually ask them 'what would you have done?', to which they will start to understand how little you can do. A lot of us crawl to our friends, usually our sisters, and let them lick our wounds. Letting a person love you is also a good way of negating the feeling of disgust. Letting a 100 people love you builds something inside of you that is incredibly hard for those who hate us to deal with.
1. they told me to go to the bottom of the lake and live there quietly
2. when you stop panicking your body will go numb and you will feel yourself being disassembled by 4 messengers
3. I don't know their names
4. they will put you in 4 chests and you will be spread across the world
5. the most important location is north east
6. I don't know if we have souls but if we do mine made its way home in the middle of the night, drunk and wet
Trust
1. I don't like the concept of twink death
2. If you wish to sculpt your body to be effeminate post twink death we have a lot of tools for you
3. My twink death happened when I was around 16-17 years old, which was painfully early
4. It might even have happened earlier without me realizing it
5. I swear that they could have put something in my food, I would believe that
6. I spent the last many years changing my body and now it is more feminine than ever before
7. There is nothing quite like loving others and letting others love you
8. As we walked home from the cinema it was pouring and when we parted ways I held her hands
9. and said 'thank you for making this old faggot this happy'
10. she had no idea what to say so she made a bad joke