Today I’m going to do a review and summary of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Lisa Damour. I will be reviewing the first 3 chapters and may revisit the last two in a later newsletter.
How did I come to find this book? I started searching for parenting guidance when I noticed my 11yo experiencing changes that I was not equipped to handle as a parent. To respect his privacy, I won’t be going into any detailed examples but the changes were wide-ranging yet a typical part of his development at this time of his life. I found this book through a Substack interview with the author.
What do I like about this book? So many things, but I’ll cover two here:
The first thing that resonated with me was Damour breaking down a popular myth that difficult emotions are bad for teens. “Emotional discomfort promotes growth and emotional pain promotes maturation”. For some reason, society (and parents) have shifted towards a belief that being unhappy is a bad, unacceptable thing. The author attributes some of this to the rapid proliferation of antidepressants and the genius marketing of the wellness industry. But feeling a wide range of emotions is an “expectable and essential aspect of the human experience”. For me, it all ties back to the “I just want my child to be happy” (completely empty and meaningless) and the “magical childhood” (unrealistic, unachievable and extremely expensive) school of parenting that is doled out in spades IRL and on social media. It’s something I have never understood and thought, gosh, am I the only one that doesn’t care about either of these things - thus making me a terrible parent? Damour answered that question for me in her introduction and Chapter 1.
The second thing that I liked about this book was how realistic and matter-of-fact it is. Damour covers topics like technology with practicality (as parents, we’re just not going to get it in their eyes because we didn’t grow up with it like they are) and helpful tips (instead tackle it by talking openly about algorithms & the goals of digital platforms, and how to keep tech in its place in your home). She also addresses school and why teenagers dislike school. I liked her metaphor of how kids are forced to consume everything on the “menu” via traditional school but as adults, we can choose to consume what we want. But instead of suggesting a radical change or push towards non-traditional methods of schooling (ahem, homeschooling), she lays out on 3 pages how you can help your child deal with subjects they hate and how to make them more palatable. This all goes back to discomfort. We cannot just take away things because our kids don’t like them.
What did I take away from this book? Again, so many takeaways but I’ll cover two here as well:
My first takeaway is the concept of externalization. Damour lays out a scenario where a teenager sends a text saying “I think I just screwed up my big math test” and “then goes dark when the garbage-collecting parent texts back with anxious questions.” This actually happened to me last week when my child texted me in despair that he lost every single coding project he’s ever done from his coding account. I was driving when this text hit my dashboard. I immediately panicked, my heart sank and I went into “how will I help him fix this” mode. I got home 40 minutes later and found my kid happily reading a book in bed. I asked him about losing the coding projects and he was like, “oh yea, I lost everything”. He wasn’t that upset about it by then and we figured out how to prevent it from happening in the future. Turns out, this is classic externalization. According to Damour, my child felt relief as soon as he handed off his disappointment about losing all his coding projects and this is a healthy defense mechanism. She acknowledges that we (the parent) will feel crappy as the receiver of this news and shares a few tips to help us navigate it.
My second takeaway is that gender is the most powerful force shaping our adolescents’ emotional lives. I know there is a lot about gender out there in 2023 and Damour addresses that head-on in her book, but I really appreciated her fundamental belief that gender differences matter. This section of the book helped me to understand boy and girl differences beyond the stereotypical focus on video games and sexist content in mainstream/online media. Damour explains gender differences in empathy and aggression, physical and relational aggression, and how to deal with constantly reinforced gender rules.
Who should read this book? Even though the title of the book implies the book is for parents of teenagers, I would suggest this book for anyone parenting a child age 10 and up. The author mentions that psychologists divide child development into 3 stages. The first is ages 0-5. It is followed by a stage called latency which is ages 6-10. This stage is characterized by balanced, easy-going, and fun to parent kids. I would tend to agree. I know when you’re in the weeds, every stage of parenting seems hard but when I look at the issues I deal with for my newish 9yo, they are pretty uncomplicated and mostly surround things like schoolwork, picking up after himself, etc. “Around age 10 or 11, latency gives way to adolescence, the potent emotions that had been lying quiet suddenly come roaring back to the scene.” I am experiencing this first hand and why I sought out this book in the first place. For me, it’s been helpful to start this book after experiencing some of this last stage because it has helped frame some of the concepts I’m reading about.
I hope this review was helpful and if you guys enjoyed it, I will come back and summarize the last two chapters in a later newsletter.
Here’s what we read together this summer as a family. We enjoyed all of them. In the Year of the Boar and Jackie Robinson was almost autobiographical in a sense for me. As an immigrant who moved to the US in elementary school, I assimilated into American culture largely through baseball. It was pure joy to hear Bette Bao Lord’s story and to share bits of my childhood with my kids. To this day, baseball is a fabric of my life. I married someone who also loves baseball and it continues to be a bonding activity for my family.
Love your take away of her book. I’ll be picking it up. My oldest has been a breeze and is now a rising sophomore, while my youngest at 10 is proving much different and challenging in different ways. And no, you’re not alone in your perspective on a happy and magical childhood. Yes I want my children to be happy and see all the mystery in the world, but they still need a foundational perspective of life because they will eventually be adults participating in society. Dare I say it’s possible to have a nice balance of both? I think so. As always, love reading your inner voice and appreciate your shares.