Ana Walshe — The Lure of a Perfect Man
Like millions of people across the U.S. and over the world, I was deeply disturbed when I first heard the news of the disappearance of Ana Walshe. It felt even closer to home as I live only about 11 miles from Cohasset, Massachusetts. We continued to hope that it would turn out to be different in the end, and I was feverishly checking for the latest updates on Twitter. I also joined a Facebook group that was started by a wonderful person who runs another group on Domestic Violence awareness. But after a few days, the end was not different at all — it was the same pattern we had been seeing over and over again. The prosecutor would put forth the nuances in the execution of the crime, but the broad pattern remained the same. Today, internet sleuths continue to dissect the story with bits and pieces of information they have. They come up with various theories on what might have happened with some being very detailed. These theories are all conjectures as we do not have all the facts of the crime; however, the two known facts are:
A gruesome crime has been committed.
The perpetrator was diagnosed as a sociopath.
On Sunday night, the NBC channel was on because the ABC broadcast over the air kept getting interrupted due to inclement weather. I was doing household chores as Dateline came on at 8 PM. I have not watched Dateline in a while, although I listen to their podcasts sometimes. The subject “The Perfect Guy” immediately caught my attention. About 15 minutes into the program, I was so engrossed that I started slacking on my chores. A simple Google Search of “Derek Aldred” produces scores of results about this “Perfect Guy”. It is remarkable that he conned at least two dozen women who had very successful careers to a tune of more than a million dollars. He impersonated various names and careers including a US Navy pilot, a doctor, an attorney, and a professor, just to name a few.
Quite a few people on social forums question why Ana Walshe stayed with her perpetrator for so long. How was she blind to the fact that the perpetrator was a sociopath? A highly successful and intelligent Ana on one hand and seemingly blind Ana living with a sociopath on the other hand seemed very contradictory. The same contradiction applies to the two dozen women who fell for Derek Aldred. How can such successful women fall for a conman in such a short period of time and make themselves so vulnerable?
Even I didn’t know what emotional abuse entailed until I educated myself on the warning signs. Since then, I have learned a lot about covert narcissism, sociopathic and psychopathic tendencies. A quick search shows us the following as traits of a Sociopath:
Lack of empathy for others
Impulsive behavior
Attempting to control others with threats or aggression
Using intelligence, charm, or charisma to manipulate others
Not learning from mistakes or punishment
Lying for personal gain
Showing a tendency to physical violence and fights
Generally superficial relationships
Sometimes, stealing or committing other crimes
Threatening suicide to manipulate without intention to act
Sometimes, abusing drugs or alcohol
Trouble with responsibilities such as a job, paying bills, etc.
While these traits generally apply to sociopaths, how a combination of these can be exhibited can be very nuanced and can very easily vary from one sociopath to another. It is also easy for us to start checking the boxes after the fact when a sociopath has been caught after their crimes. However, is it really possible for a victim who has fallen for the charm of a sociopath to identify the red flags? I thought about this for a long time after the Ana Walshe incident and “The Perfect Guy” episode, and I strongly believe that these women should not take any blame at all. I think any one of us is vulnerable to the guiles of a sociopath or a covert narcissist — their love bombing phase can sweep us off our feet. If I had met Derek Aldred, it is highly likely that I would have fallen for his lies.
I read this quote from a therapist, Erika Van Meir, in an article about a cult: “It is a mistake to judge them or assume that only a certain type of person would join a group. Under the right circumstances, I believe most of us could get duped and join something that we thought was in line with our beliefs, but turns out to be something more sinister”. While Erika’s quote was intended for a cult, we could just replace the group with a narcissist or a sociopath and the argument would still apply. Whether the perpetrator is a cult leader or an individual, they all exhibit similar narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies.
Ana and the two dozen women are not the first victims, nor will they be the last. Countless people suffer abuse from relationships with narcissists and sociopaths. Quite a few have and will meet a gruesome end like Ana.
I am certainly thankful to the various psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists for putting out a wealth of information on the internet via articles, books and videos to educate the common public. But I have repeatedly observed that only victims look for such information — and worse, after the abuse has happened. While it definitely helps the victims to educate themselves and come out of abuse, I continue to think about how we can protect future generations from becoming victims of these perpetrators who could be individuals or groups such as cults. I wonder about how we can educate our children early enough about the red flags. I do not have all the answers yet, but I will certainly try to do my small part to this worthy cause of protecting our children and our future from the curse of narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.
This blog was beta-read and corrected by my 15 year old, Madhuvanthi Giridhar