It’s funny how as a young person, my perspective of myself can swing from confidence bordering on hubris to complete ego-decimation. What scares me is the fact that, when the latter strikes, it often feels so obviously like reality, and the former simply a dream. I feel embarrassed, incredulous that I could have been such an utter fool to believe I was capable of being anything other than mediocre.
The other thing that scares me is the unpredictability of the latter. Sometimes it’s a big life event which drastically shifts my perspective, but sometimes it’s a small failure; the straw that broke the camel’s back.
And what ensues is twofold:
A mourning for the confidence I’d embodied only a few days prior. Suddenly, that confidence seems worlds, galaxies, away.
A fight. When my confidence suddenly crumples, I find myself straining to yank it back up again. I know with confidence comes ambition and energy, without it comes anxiety and exhaustion.
The hilarious part is, as a twenty year old, I’m well aware these oscillations are most likely overreactions. So, there’s this odd cognitive dissonance where part of me knows I’m being ridiculous (who has their life figured out at twenty?? when has any twenty year old’s life plan actually gone to plan??), but I can’t help feeling distressed anyways. No twenty year old is truly mature (although I’ll forever pretend I am), so I guess part of being in your twenties is being pointlessly overdramatic.