How To Support a Woman With High Functioning Anxiety
Hello Friends,
This week’s newsletter is going to give you some practical tools to support a woman with high functioning anxiety. If YOU are a woman with high functioning anxiety, this could be sent on to a partner, friend, or even manager to help increase awareness. High functioning anxiety, particularly in women, can be hard to spot because on the outside she appears to have it all together. But with the continuously challenging climate of working, parenting and simply existing as a woman and mother in America, it is becoming harder for these “high functioners” to perform at the level they’re used to. And knowing how to support them is more important than ever.
Women With High Functioning Anxiety Look Like…
On the outside she’s successful, high achieving, likely doesn’t often complain, offers to take on more responsibilities, is always pushing forward, confident, looking to achieve more, dependable, and organized. She’s loyal, the first one to show up and the last to leave. She’s always planning ahead, proactive and you know you can count on her to get something done. Without her, nothing would get accomplished and she’s the one that keeps the ship afloat. She seems so put together and you don’t know how she does it, but she always does! It really seems like everything is going well.
On the inside though, she is scrambling. Her anxiety runs rampant and she’d give anything to take a break…just one or two days where she can be unavailable to her life roles. She worries about dropping the many balls she juggling, forgetting something, letting someone down and not performing to the standard she thinks is expected. She’s afraid to say ‘no’ when someone asks something but knows her schedule cannot take one more ‘yes’. She’s wanting reassurance, overthinking her decisions, and procrastinating on the many thing she needs to do. This leads to difficulty regulating her emotions and feelings of resentment and burnout. But not many people can be let in on this inner world of hers…so she feels like an imposter.
So…How Is This Different From An Anxiety Disorder?
High functioning anxiety is more of a catch all term and not a medical term or clinical diagnosis. It does not meet the full clinical criteria for an anxiety disorder diagnosis. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t create significant problems that negatively impact your overall quality of life.
Because these women are so incredibly high functioning and achieving, asking for help and support feels out of the question and usually doesn’t happen until they are at a breaking point. To prevent that from happening, here are some ways to help support women with high functioning anxiety.
Supporting a Woman With High Functioning Anxiety
1. Encourage her to be open about her feelings and acknowledge them. High functioning anxiety can encourage her to deny her feelings and make her reluctant to talk about them, which feels isolating and keeps people out. This can also lead to arguments and more interpersonal conflicts and miscommunication. Helping her identify her feelings and express them is supportive and empowers her to be responsible for her own emotions.
2. Try to help her think less in absolutes. Women with high functioning anxiety tend to think in black and white and to catastrophize (see the worst in any situation) so helping them to see the big picture in times of high stress is supportive. Another supportive technique is re-framing, or helping her see a situation from a different or more neutral perspective.
3. Remind her that whatever she is feeling is okay and that she isn't letting anyone down. This type of anxiety makes her question the way she thinks, makes decisions, and handles conflicts. She likely puts immense pressure on herself to perform to high standards while being everything to everyone, so reminding her that no one else believes that is supportive and kind.
4. Model self compassion so that she can see what it is like to be kind to yourself. Women with high functioning anxiety tend to be very self critical and have a lot of negative self talk. They internally assume they are never doing enough and what they are doing isn’t up to an acceptable standard. They likely have a really hard time being kind to themselves and will negate the positive and focus more easily on the negative. It isn’t always helpful to hear “cut yourself some slack” but it can be powerful to see someone close to you treat themselves compassionately. It gives her permission to do the same, (particularly if it is her partner).
What if Support Isn’t Cutting It?
It’s a fine line to walk between supporting a woman with high functioning anxiety and feeling like you’re relied upon too much as her only support system. Because it’s so difficult for her to ask for help, when there is one person she feels comfortable being truly seen by, that person can bear the brunt of the anxiety spirals. When boundaries aren’t helping, therapy and/or anxiety coaching is a really effective support to have in place. It can help…
Build an understanding of the function of anxiety in your life
Learn how to identify how anxiety symptoms show up in your personal and professional life
Learn about thought distortions, why you have them and how to change them
Connect the dots between your past and how anxiety shows up today
Learn new coping strategies to overcome anxiety
Learn how to set healthy & flexible boundaries
If this sounds like you be sure to pass this along to someone in your life who can support you! And if you read this and it perfectly described a woman in your life now you have some new ways to support her :)
Be well,
Melissa